afraid of getting rid of things when i know i'll do it

[owarikigan]

i think it's just the prospect that getting rid of my most cherished belongings i've spent so much on is really solidifying doing it, but wouldn't losing such things be the further push that i'm so desperate for? i'm already at a loss in every other aspect of my life. everyone is ignoring and neglecting me and i don't know why i keep putting in effort and overcoming social anxiety just for it to amount to nothing.
i want so badly to have a day where i finally rid of everything that proves i once loved something so that i'm truly left with nothing but the firearm or overdose or whatever i decide is easiest for me, indulge in my favorite things alone as fated to be for the last time and go as silently as my life has always been. even my carcass will be able to rest in silence with how long it'd take to be found. it sounds so nice and ideal for me but i can't place a problem on the exact issue, likely fear or laziness
p.s., i despise the fact that to others, prolonging my time here equates to "being okay". in my spare time i am constantly wishing i weren't here and thinking of ways to rid myself or prepare to do so. i do sometimes desperately wish i had the blissful lack of awareness that everyone around me does.

 

[BwahBah]

No matter the method, there is always a chance that you will not succeed, which is an outcome that should always be taken into consideration when planning to ctb, Imo. If you get rid of your prized posessions, just to end up surviving your attempt, that could potentially put you in a much worse position than you were in before, assuming you will not have another way "out" for a hot minute; I suppose it depends on your personal circumstances. I underatand the urge to engage in self-destructive behavior to incentivize your ctb, but I do not personally reccomend giving into it. Personally, I've prepared everything so that by the off chance that I make it out largely unscathed, that minimal long-term damage will accumulate off the back of my attempt. Of course, it is still not the ideal scenario, as there are many inevitable consequences that will still follow if I survive, but I think it's still better than irreversably fucking up the life that I very well may be forced to continue living in indefinitely.