Venting Afraid of failure

[chemicalburns]

Throughout all my life I've been scared to show myself, afraid of judgment
I've been taking vocal lessons for about a year but I haven't singed at home because I'm afraid I'd be judged by my parents (especially my mom)
I haven't posted much here because I'm afraid of being judged by my poor writing skills or simply for being the way I am
I spend my three years of high school ashamed just for being there
My brain tells me I'm a failure, I'm envious and I should be ashamed of bring alive
I always wear bland clothes because I'm afraid to go out wearing my band tshirts
I'm afraid of being called a creep for my preferences or political positions
I'm afraid of saying why I want to kill myself because I'm afraid of feeling ashamed!
You get the point, I'm a coward
I feel jealous of other people, but at the same time I feel bad for being so envious
I see people more fortunate than me walking with their girlfriends and all I can think of is "Wouldn't it be funny if they got in a really bad car accident? Wouldn't I feel so good if that happened?" just to immediately feel extremely bad "why am I thinking that? They have nothing to do with me"
I feel inferior to everyone and I feel like I've wasted my youth doing nothing meaningful
My parents are always talking about how I should quit my job and go to college because "You could save up to buy a car!" without thinking about why I would even want any of these things!
I see people talking about how they lost their virginities at like 17 and I'm like "I'm so behind everyone. Why even keep living? What's the point of going through this when you feel humiliated every waking moment?"

I'm just a cute boy that needs attention

(I know this text sounds disjointed and a little overwhelming. I apologize for my poor writing skills but I really needed to pu t this out here.)

 

[TrappedGnostic]

I used to be like this, and to this day I'm still somewhat afraid of failure. Here's what helped me:

1) Doing CBT, and in particular applying these tools on my own. I think it's worthwhile trying, even if you just look up a CBT Workbook online, although I'd advise doing this along with a certified therapist.

2) Realizing that since I'm going to ctb anyway at some point in my life (I'm thinking in my mid 40s if things don't improve for me), I might as well try even if I fail. The worst outcome is already what I'm expecting anyway.

What you're describing also sounds partly like intrusive thoughts (e.g. the part about more fortunate people and feeling bad.) Doing some exposure therapy and realizing that these are not necessarily indicative of anything deeper is core part of resolving this issue.

For what it's worth, I think your writing is fine. The vocabulary is good, the grammar and syntactic structure is appropriate with very few typos that don't render it unintelligible and it conveys the meaning and your feelings all fine.