Help Advice with Transition

[ThatFlyIndividual]

TW :This will cover my fears with transition, if you have issues with negative content of this type id advise not reading this

Also since this post will be a bit long and will have a lot of yapping. If you want to skip to my questions go to the sectioned titled Advice.

Backstory

So Ive more seriously wanted to transition for about a year. Generally Im pretty good at repping and can generally push through the depression when I absolutely have to.

Though I went to an absolutely beautiful concert recently that had a line up mostly composed of trans individuals, and had a strong focus on trans positivity. It was an amazing concert I had a lot of fun and the messages really stuck to me.

A big message they shared was to be organically yourself and love yourself for who you are. While admittedly this is kind of a basic idea I've never actually considered this in earnest. I tend to hate myself vehemently and hide myself from others so I generally do the opposite actually.

Additionally the internet and some unkind folks in the area have always put it into my head that passing isnt a thing for trans people. But like everyone on the stage was beautiful, I didnt know any of them were trans before they either announced it or sang songs with lyrics relating to it. Idk im so used to bigots saying that such a thing isnt possible my brain subconsciously accepted it and used it as an excuse to not even try.

But now everything's different ive seen what hrt can do, what ffs can do, what being happy can do. Like idk its so beautiful and that's what I've always wanted. I want to look in the mirror and not gag. I want to hear my voice and be happy with it. I want to be happy with my body. I want to be happy with myself. I want to be happy.

Advice On Starting

Im so lost with all of this, like how do I even start. Obviously I need to work on voice training and learn how to look more feminine. And I will gladly take advice on this aspect but I'm more curious about the social aspect.

I know I can probably solve this all by just getting a therapist and getting the process started. And frankly I know I will have to do that, but honestly Im kind of embarrassed to even start that. How do I introduce myself? Do I use my birthname, do I use a name I want, should I just cry, honestly I'm not sure. It's so scary I can barely think about it.

To further this how do I tell my friends, my family that I transitioned? Do I just tell them to call me Hannah or something? If anyone here transitioned I would love to hear how you broke the news to others, because I cant even imagine how to attempt such a thing.


Advice On The More Negative Aspects

On a more negative note though how do you deal with people who will hate you for it. I have some family on my dad's side that would hate me for even suggesting such a notion. The already are uncomfortable with my dad being bi, but they are absolutely repulsed by trans people.

I really dont interact with them much but im horrified by the idea of disappointing others. Even if they are dissappointed for a bad reason, I dont want to be viewed as a failure. A halfwit who doesnt know who they are by them.

I know that a lot of other people share very negative opinions about trans people too though. So how is someone expected to take this. How do you fight against this, how do you accept that people will hate you for who you are.


Sorry for ranting so much hopefully you'll forgive me for this aspect and share some advice nonetheless.

 

[Hvergelmir]

I know I can probably solve this all by just getting a therapist and getting the process started.

Indeed, I think you have your answer there.
I'd think long term. Are you willing and capable of achieving what you want?
There are practical and biological limitations to what can be done. Make sure that what you can realistically achieve is desirable.

On a more negative note though how do you deal with people who will hate you for it.

Don't fall into the trap of reducing yourself to a gender or sexuality.
While there are spheres that wants to display their unwavering support for trans, it's not very interesting to most. Demand acceptance (don't take abuse), but respect has to be earned through common interests.

How do you fight against this, how do you accept that people will hate you for who you are.

Some people will always hate who you are (trans or not). Avoid hostile people. Defend yourself when you have to.
The frequency of bad situations may be different, but the fundamental issue is not.

 

[Linda]

They were right to advise you to love yourself. You are never going to look like a supermodel or like Superman, so don't set unrealistic goals. Trying just to be yourself, but in a different gender, is more likely to be productive.

Which way will you be going? M2F or F2M? I can't be sure from your post. In terms of the practicalities it makes a big difference.

I suggest you don't try to do everything at once. You will have a lot to learn, and you will need to pace yourself. The trans people I know all took several years over their transition. This seems to be something you can't rush.

Also, if you are not 100% certain that you want to transition, start by doing those things that are easily reversible.

 

[Dot]

Am nt sre whthr thngs hve changd bt Seattl Voic Labs hve a Dscrd servr whre u cn gt free lessns & advce frm trns cmmunty fr vocl trainng

https://www.seattlevoicelab.com/community/#discord

 

[Rynalia]

Advice On Starting

Im so lost with all of this, like how do I even start. Obviously I need to work on voice training and learn how to look more feminine. And I will gladly take advice on this aspect but I'm more curious about the social aspect.

I know I can probably solve this all by just getting a therapist and getting the process started. And frankly I know I will have to do that, but honestly Im kind of embarrassed to even start that. How do I introduce myself? Do I use my birthname, do I use a name I want, should I just cry, honestly I'm not sure. It's so scary I can barely think about it.

If using your birth name causes distress, don't refer to yourself by it. If there's a name that kind of makes you feel more you, then use that. Names are powerful afterall.

You could also think about this as kind of as a litmus test for the therapist as well. Are they empathetic? Do they acknowledge you or do they insist on dead naming you?

The medical professional will have all the things they need in terms of information just by the documents you bring (e.g. insurance card). The first step is finding someone you can trust, because trust is the most important thing you'll need from those helping you through your journey starting now.

To further this how do I tell my friends, my family that I transitioned? Do I just tell them to call me Hannah or something? If anyone here transitioned I would love to hear how you broke the news to others, because I cant even imagine how to attempt such a thing.

I'd say this is really a matter of when you feel like you mustered enough courage to. Depending on the disposition of the people you're talking to, it could range from warm acceptance, neutral indifference, to fierce opposition.

The most important part is that you yourself are ready for whatever may come. You can't control how others react to the news, sadly.

Be prepared for questions, and don't expect people to accept or acknowledge you from the very start.

People will take the news differently and will need time to process it, and as long as you aren't at risk of being harmed, it is okay to step back and let those important to you have time to process what you've told them.

What is most important here is you, but this is also significant for people around you as well. Extend as much patience as you are willing to give out because it will absolutely take time for everything to reconcile in their minds.

Advice On The More Negative Aspects

On a more negative note though how do you deal with people who will hate you for it. I have some family on my dad's side that would hate me for even suggesting such a notion. The already are uncomfortable with my dad being bi, but they are absolutely repulsed by trans people.

Much like how you can't control how people react towards suicide, you can't control how they react to coming out.

First and foremost is to not let other people tell you that you're wrong. They're not you, and they will never be. You objectively know yourself better. So treat yourself kindly and with the respect you deserve.

The rest is up to your tolerances.

Extended family is hard, because they aren't going to go away until they're dead.

The easiest but not the remotely the healthiest option is to cut off contact and communication. However, this IS burning a bridge, and once bridges are burnt, it will be difficult, if not impossible, to repair. This is a last resort OR if you find yourself in harms way. Don't let anyone hurt you, if they threaten it, cut them off, you deserve better.

The neutral path here would to be to agree to disagree. This is highly idealistic, I know. But if you aren't stepping on their toes, and they aren't actively stepping on your toes, not breaking things still allows for future relationships to change. Sometimes time is all it takes to change a heart.

I really dont interact with them much but im horrified by the idea of disappointing others. Even if they are dissappointed for a bad reason, I dont want to be viewed as a failure. A halfwit who doesnt know who they are by them.

Again, unfortunately this is completely out of your control. The best you can do is learn to separate their views with your worth. But this is less a transition problem and more a general psychology thing.

I know that a lot of other people share very negative opinions about trans people too though. So how is someone expected to take this. How do you fight against this, how do you accept that people will hate you for who you are.

I hate that I have no choice but to repeat myself again here.

You can't control how other people think and feel, that's something they grew up and learned and it's reinforced by time.

People can change, but if, when, and how is dependent on the person.

People will hate you for being who you are, it's just a fact of life. The world is not perfect, and not everyone wants to be friends.

I reckon it's an acquired skill if anything. Learning to separate your sense of self from what people are attacking. Not letting your identities be your only defining factors and holding far more weight than they need to.

Are people really attacking you? Or are they attacking what they can see, or what they've been told about you?

At this point, this is more of a thing that comes with age and experience, I reckon. The ability to shrug off other people's hate, simply because they're missing the forest for the trees.

People get too caught up in the details, and sometimes we all do too. So if you zoom out a little bit, now getting hated for being X or Y is now just a tiny scratch. The more you let something define you as a whole the easier it is to use it against you.

Oh but yeah, if you're in harms way, get out of there. You're most important.

I'm getting rambly now so I'm gonna stop. But uh yeah, I wish you the best!

 

[ConfettiSpaghetti]

Just an FYI: most people who offer you advice won't be trans. They don't know what it's like, and you'll find out very quickly in your journey just how quick people are to completely ignore trans people's experiences in favor of injecting their own as fact. They'll be completely unwilling to even consider for a second that they might not know what they're talking about.

For example, whenever I've looked for advice, I consistently get told, "Just like for anyone else, some people will hate you," as a sort of hail Mary that gets thrown out there. That might be great for the average person's experience, but it's entirely useless when you're dealing with society at large spreading rumors about you, being more likely to experience violence and harassment, constantly having your existence debated at all hours of the day across the globe, with little to no input from you or other trans people, either not having access to the healthcare you need, or having that healthcare be geared towards making you detransition regardless of whether or not that helps you

This isn't to say people won't give you good advice. I'd just recommend not putting too much weight into the words of people who have no idea what it's like and won't even do the slightest amount of research to try to understand.

If you want my advice, find support groups, Take your time to experiment and find yourself, look into therapy, but be cautious about the area you live in. If you live in a more "progressive" place most people now agree that conversion therapy is bad, but it often goes by different names when it comes to trans people. And since people aren't the brightest, a change of wording is often all it takes for it to pass unnoticed.

 

[GhostInTheMachine]

TW :This will cover my fears with transition, if you have issues with negative content of this type id advise not reading this

Also since this post will be a bit long and will have a lot of yapping. If you want to skip to my questions go to the sectioned titled Advice.

Backstory

So Ive more seriously wanted to transition for about a year. Generally Im pretty good at repping and can generally push through the depression when I absolutely have to.

Though I went to an absolutely beautiful concert recently that had a line up mostly composed of trans individuals, and had a strong focus on trans positivity. It was an amazing concert I had a lot of fun and the messages really stuck to me.

A big message they shared was to be organically yourself and love yourself for who you are. While admittedly this is kind of a basic idea I've never actually considered this in earnest. I tend to hate myself vehemently and hide myself from others so I generally do the opposite actually.

Additionally the internet and some unkind folks in the area have always put it into my head that passing isnt a thing for trans people. But like everyone on the stage was beautiful, I didnt know any of them were trans before they either announced it or sang songs with lyrics relating to it. Idk im so used to bigots saying that such a thing isnt possible my brain subconsciously accepted it and used it as an excuse to not even try.

But now everything's different ive seen what hrt can do, what ffs can do, what being happy can do. Like idk its so beautiful and that's what I've always wanted. I want to look in the mirror and not gag. I want to hear my voice and be happy with it. I want to be happy with my body. I want to be happy with myself. I want to be happy.

Advice On Starting

Im so lost with all of this, like how do I even start. Obviously I need to work on voice training and learn how to look more feminine. And I will gladly take advice on this aspect but I'm more curious about the social aspect.

I know I can probably solve this all by just getting a therapist and getting the process started. And frankly I know I will have to do that, but honestly Im kind of embarrassed to even start that. How do I introduce myself? Do I use my birthname, do I use a name I want, should I just cry, honestly I'm not sure. It's so scary I can barely think about it.

To further this how do I tell my friends, my family that I transitioned? Do I just tell them to call me Hannah or something? If anyone here transitioned I would love to hear how you broke the news to others, because I cant even imagine how to attempt such a thing.


Advice On The More Negative Aspects

On a more negative note though how do you deal with people who will hate you for it. I have some family on my dad's side that would hate me for even suggesting such a notion. The already are uncomfortable with my dad being bi, but they are absolutely repulsed by trans people.

I really dont interact with them much but im horrified by the idea of disappointing others. Even if they are dissappointed for a bad reason, I dont want to be viewed as a failure. A halfwit who doesnt know who they are by them.

I know that a lot of other people share very negative opinions about trans people too though. So how is someone expected to take this. How do you fight against this, how do you accept that people will hate you for who you are.


Sorry for ranting so much hopefully you'll forgive me for this aspect and share some advice nonetheless.

First thing's first, before you make any announcements to your friends and/or family, find out who's a transphobe and who's not. You can do that by having the topic just come up in passing (don't make it so obvious that they get suspicious though) and gauge their responses and opinions on the subject. Don't get too comfortable with people who just say they're "ok with it", because lots of people will say one thing and then act a completely different way. A therapist might be helpful, but your mileage may vary. They might be able to connect you with trans communities who can also help.

As for introducing your new identity, assuming you're not entirely surrounded by transphobes, be ready to accept some resistance in the form of the people around you having to adapt. Even allies need some time to get used to the new you, but unless they have an ideological bend against it, this shouldn't take too long. Make sure you yourself are comfortable with your identity as well, at least enough to have the consistency needed for others to naturally engage you in the way you want to be engaged.

Me telling my parents was rough, and to this day, they still refuse to use my pronouns or new name despite me constantly setting boundaries with them regarding it. The rest of the family is dead to me because they're not worth the effort to convince. My friends, my brother, and his wife have all adapted and I still talk to them more or less.

Anybody who outright hates you, CUT THEM OUT OF YOUR LIFE! This is not a negotiation, treat transphobes as the terrorists they often behave as. As for disappointing others, unless they offer some material benefit to your conditions, get over it. I know that sounds really harsh, but you should not be planning your future around keeping others content with a fake version of you that's killing you from the inside. Transitioning doesn't make you a halfwit, it means you're taking steps to self-actualize yourself into hopefully a better person.

Lastly, the current climate and lies about us are indeed an uphill battle. We're mocked, misconstrued, misgendered, deadnamed, attacked, both physically and emotionally, and abused into suicide in a lot of cases. You can't fight it alone, you need a community and people in your corner who can help you against the social torrent punishing us for daring to exist. Find your tribe, and cut your niche in this awful fucking world. Oh, and don't forget, if you ever think that you're not actually trans, but just some other kind of queer, that's also valid too.

Good luck on your journey, I hope it goes smoother than mine.

 

[tinybrokenfingers]

well, im not sure how much help it is, but when i began the social transition progress, i just asked my friends to call me by the name i wanted and to use different pronouns. it was pretty nervewracking all things considered. do you have a friend that you feel more comfortable divulging this information to? i came out to my best friend at the time (still one of my best friends) and from there, it boosted my confidence enough to come out to my mom. i feel like if you have someone to talk to in order to get the ball rolling, then thats gonna be the best catalyst towards progressing your social transition.

on looking feminine, i would encourage you to do what you feel the most comfortable with. you're not meant to have everything figured out right at the start, learning how to style your hair, what to wear, etc, all comes with time. the most important thing you can do is continuing to be yourself when it comes to this, figuring out the unique woman that you are. if you'd want, experimenting with eyeliner and looking up eyeliner tutorials is a great way to quickly feminize your appearance, but its not necessary. for your skin care routine, i highly recommend a cleanser with salicylic acid, it chemically exfoliates your skin, and makes shaving your face a lot easier.

id also really suggest looking into finding a gender therapist. idk if theyre accessible in your neck of the woods, but they are invaluable resources when it comes to transition, especially at the early stages.

im sorry that your family aren't supportive. its hell to go through and completely unfair. your parents should love their kid no matter who they are. because at the end of the day, regardless of the hormones in your body, the clothes that you wear, or the way you present yourself- you are still you. and thats important, and its a fucking tradgedy that transphobic parents will disregard the wellbeing of their kid in order to stay stuck up in their ways.

on how i deal with knowing people will hate me for who i am; before i transitioned, i was already part of a racial minority, so i was used to discrimination and just learned to tune it out, and i think that it thickened my skin quite a bit. however, i dont know if you have that shared experience. what i can share, regardless of prior experiences, is that most transphobes are too scared to confront anyone. if they do confront you however, and this is my second piece of advice, GET PEPPER SPRAY. the lives of trans people are at risk, and even though, yes, most transphobes are too pussy to do anything, you should never let that one person who isnt afraid harm you.

your life is valuable, and i think that once the pieces of your transition come together, you will start to see that too. if you have any other questions about transitioning, feel free to PM me, ive been transitioning for 7 years now, and have been on hrt for almost 4 years, so ive been around the block and have some good insight.

i wish you the best of luck with everything. you deserve to be treated as you really are. fuck any transphobic cunt that says otherwise.

 

[whywere]

We are ALL the same period.

You deserve to be treated and thought of the same as anybody.

Those that judge only judge themselves into a lonely future and you are so much more wonderful than anyone of that crappy type ever.

Be you, as you are family here.

Lots of caring wishes and hugs to you my good friend,

Walter

 

[mlb]

so good to hear that you acknowledged that part of yourself.

i'm a trans woman and i initially started by changing my mannerisms to be more femme.

the first few months i was researching lots of resources, but the most important one for "passing" was youtube.

1. biggest advice? do know that it WILL feel wrong and you WILL be unsure about it sometimes. it will also take years for you to adapt because you practically have to re-learn how to walk, dress, speak and interact. i hated myself for months after transition because i thought i was faking it. if you think you're trans - you are trans and no one can tell you otherwise. bodily autonomy baby.

2. icky has her channel full of transition advice and mistakes to avoid, as well as some mindset shifts.

3. see if you can journal on what you want to change in you towards more femme.

4. there will always be people that dislike you, no matter trans or not. see if you can distance yourself from those environments. find a chosen family, a local community (maybe some more concerts?), a discord server, somewhere where you can be yourself without needing to mask. in fact, sasu is a great place and people will always accept you and give you advice.

you are loved and welcome.

warm wishes xx