Basically, what the title says. I'm currently in a situation where I feel stuck between not being able to end it, but at the same time not being able to commit to living because it hurts so much. And I'm looking for advice on how to handle this.
I don't know how much detail you're allowed to share about your own life here, but I'll just give an overview cuz this is necessary context. My apologies, it might be a bit of a long walk. I've never been someone who's brief. And this decision may be the most important decision I ever make so I want to lay out the context properly.
I've had depression on and off for well over a decade. I've been through 5 or 6 severe depressions (depending on how you count) overall and some lighter depressions in between. Overall, I've spent more time in depression than not over the last decade+.
On top of that I have several other major mental health issues. I was emotionally abused by both of my parents for my entire life (something I've only really realized pretty recently because I thought it was all normal). I have social anxiety which makes being around strangers and making new friends hard. I have failure anxiety which means that, despite trying for many years, I wasn't able to finish college. On top of that I have body dysmorphia and some slight OCD issues (but they're honestly not that bad compared to the rest). I have basically no self-esteem and I hate myself and think I'm worthless in every way.
At the start of 2022 I entered another severe depression. My girlfriend of 6 years broke up with me. I recently had to drop out of college in the second half of my final year because my failure anxiety made it impossible to continue. I was unemployed, nearly friendless, with no diploma and then she broke up with me. As a result of how severe this depression was I stopped being able to even write (writing has always been my passion). This is saying something because despite having gone through other depressions before this had never happened to me. I thought about ending things a lot and began to make plans.
This continued until about the middle of that year where I met a new girl online. We had some IRL dates throughout the second half of that year and we became a couple by the end of it.
The girlfriend I'd had before that (the one of 6 years) treated me pretty shittly a lot of the time. She would never talk about problems, she wouldn't respect my boundaries at all, she would get angry if I tried to assert any, she was constantly inconsiderate and whenever I did something "wrong" she would give me the silent treatment. At the end of the relationship she barely talked to me for 3 months because I wanted to come with the car instead of the train to her birthday party (she wanted me to use the train). When I started breaking down because of not being able to do exams due to a severe panic attack I got and I told her trying to get some support, she scolded me, got angry and then basically stopped talking to me for a while.
I stuck it out through all of it because I loved her and, honestly, because of how I was raised I barely knew what a healthy relationship was like. I thought this was stuff that everyone went through and that I didn't deserve any better anyway.
Anyway, I say all this because my previous girlfriend (the one I met in 2022) seemed to be the complete opposite of that. She seemed to always be affectionate, always care about what I had to say. She would be supportive when I came to her with problems rather than judgemental. When I told her about my issues with BDD, she gave me a beautiful gift to emphasize how much she loved me. We would never fight and she would basically never get angry at me. When I asserted a boundary she would respect it and I would respect hers. She complimented me randomly and made me feel good.
This was honestly a kind of relationship that I had never had before and I didn't know it was possible. On top of that she was basically my ideal. Red hair, blue eyes, beautiful, understanding and affectionate, enthousiastic, loved books and reading, but was also more extroverted than me so encouraged me to go out, loved art and science, understood my issues with my parents, I felt like I could talk to her about anything, creative, etc.
Because of her I started slowly healing from my 2022 depression. It was very slow though, much slower than after previous depressions. I still remained in a light depression throughout 2023. It was still often hard for me to enjoy things. It was often hard for me to get motivated. Writing was still hard too. But I did manage to write more and more as the months went on.
I wasn't doing well yet, but I was doing better. And I had moments of genuine happiness whenever I was with her.
Then she broke up with me last month.
It was pretty sudden. Everything seemed to be completely and deliriously happy until about the middle of September. She suddenly started to get a little bit quieter and one day she ignored my messages for like a day or two before returning saying she had to think about some things. I asked about what but she said she'd rather talk about it IRL. So I went to her as soon as I could (a few days later). We talked about some stuff she was going through (I won't specify what for privacy reasons) and I said I understood and would try to do everything possible to respect it and help her. We spent the rest of the day and part of the day after together before I had to go home for a meeting with my job coach.
For a few days everything seemed to be getting a little bit better. I unexpectedly sent her a box of her favourite chocolates and she told me she hadn't had a smile on her face that broad in weeks. She told me I was the best boyfriend.
However, then things started getting worse again. She started replying to my messages less. She stopped saying "I love you" back when I said it. She stopped using gifs or emoticons as much. We didn't have much time to get together for a few weeks but I figured I would bring it up next time we got together. I invited her to come over in the middle of October and she accepted to come for friday to saturday.
A few days later she suddenly said she couldn't come friday to saturday due to a change of plans and could only come on sunday. I already felt worried but I went with it.
That sunday she came over late at night. We sat down and she proceeded to tell me a bunch of issues she had with me. These were issues that I had never heard her say a single word about for our entire relationship. Most of them were small, two of them were a bit bigger. I said I understood and that I was willing to change for it to work. But she said she didn't want me to do that and that it was over.
A few days later I tried to go win her back with flowers and everything. I also thought long and hard about what she'd said and took the steps I could to address her problems. And then I went to her with the train and walked 30 minutes in the cold to her house. And she basically treated me like I was a stranger...
It was extremely distressing. I had known her as someone who was always incredibly warm, empathetic, supportive and loving. I thought she loved me more than anyone else. But going to her then she was completely cold. She wasn't cruel or whatever, but it's like... it had only been 5 days but it felt as if I was talking to someone I had dated 5 years ago. She just didn't seem to care at all about me anymore.
I've had other girlfriends before. But even the girlfriend who treated me like shit for a lot of our relationship didn't react this way. She struggled a lot after we split up the first time. Same for my first girlfriend who missed me badly for a long time after. But this girl who seemed loving and empathetic... it's like there was nothing. Less than a month before that she was still talking to me like I meant everything to her and looking at me with a love I've barely ever seen in my life and then... just nothing. Complete indifference.
Anyway, all this to say: I'm currently without a diploma, unemployed and my mental health issues are bad enough that I don't know how I could get a job. My dream of becoming a writer doesn't seem to be happening. Not only do I not think I'm a very good writer (even after over a decade of practice) but once again I can't write anymore due to my depression having gotten so much worse again. My social anxiety means that I'm basically entirely isolated, I have no social support system and it's hard for me to find a new girlfriend. I still live with my emotionally abusive parents and I don't know how I can get out. I have almost no money. I'm getting older and I've still achieved nothing. I believe I am worthless and no woman will ever truly love me. I feel terrible about how I look and who I am and have no self-esteem or sense of self-worth. On top of that, despite it having been over a month now I still feel like my previous girlfriend was the love of my life and it still hurts just as much as on the first day. I still love her so much and I still miss her basically every second of every day. I am in constant mental pain and I see no hope for myself. Most days I can only either lay in bed or sit at my desk scrolling through social media. The most I can do is watch a Youtube video sometimes, but even that is hard. Reading, writing or playing video games I no longer have the energy to do.
My life is a living hell and I spend every day counting the minutes until I can finally go back to sleep. Which brings me to my actual question...
As I've laid out above, I don't think there's legitimately any hope for me. My life from a practical point of view is a complete mess and I have no idea how I can change that anymore. On top of that psychologically I'm barely holding together and I'm a depressed, anxious, heartbroken mess. Basically nearly every moment awake is suffering. I want things to end and I have made plans to that effect and yet... I can't seem to really go through with them.
I don't believe I have hope but the thought of not existing anymore scares me. I find it hard to say goodbye to certain things. The happy memories that I do have and are the only thing that can make me smile anymore, I'd have to say goodbye to them. Science and art that I won't ever be able to learn about anymore. I wouldn't be able to hug my cat anymore. I wouldn't be able to see the sunset or feel the grass between my toes. I wouldn't ever be able to play Halo or eat pizza again. I could never have sex or kiss a girl again. I could never feel loved or worth something again. All the years I spent trying to get into shape would be useless because my body would just rot. Everything that I think and everything that I am would be gone.
And this is what I'm struggling with right now.
On the one hand, I'm in constant excruciating pain and I feel there's no legitimate hope of things getting better. In fact, I firmly believe my life will likely get much worse over time. On the other hand, I can't seem to come to terms with not existing anymore and I'm scared.
I can't seem to get passed that hesitance to CTB. But at the same time, I can't overcome my pain, depression and anxiety enough to commit to actually living and trying to move forward and improve my situation. I feel like I'm a ghost just haunting what's left of my life sticking around for no reason.
I feel like I need to make a decision either way, but I just can't seem to. I just stay stuck in the middle.
I don't know what to do or what to think anymore.
I don't know how much detail you're allowed to share about your own life here, but I'll just give an overview cuz this is necessary context. My apologies, it might be a bit of a long walk. I've never been someone who's brief. And this decision may be the most important decision I ever make so I want to lay out the context properly.
I've had depression on and off for well over a decade. I've been through 5 or 6 severe depressions (depending on how you count) overall and some lighter depressions in between. Overall, I've spent more time in depression than not over the last decade+.
On top of that I have several other major mental health issues. I was emotionally abused by both of my parents for my entire life (something I've only really realized pretty recently because I thought it was all normal). I have social anxiety which makes being around strangers and making new friends hard. I have failure anxiety which means that, despite trying for many years, I wasn't able to finish college. On top of that I have body dysmorphia and some slight OCD issues (but they're honestly not that bad compared to the rest). I have basically no self-esteem and I hate myself and think I'm worthless in every way.
At the start of 2022 I entered another severe depression. My girlfriend of 6 years broke up with me. I recently had to drop out of college in the second half of my final year because my failure anxiety made it impossible to continue. I was unemployed, nearly friendless, with no diploma and then she broke up with me. As a result of how severe this depression was I stopped being able to even write (writing has always been my passion). This is saying something because despite having gone through other depressions before this had never happened to me. I thought about ending things a lot and began to make plans.
This continued until about the middle of that year where I met a new girl online. We had some IRL dates throughout the second half of that year and we became a couple by the end of it.
The girlfriend I'd had before that (the one of 6 years) treated me pretty shittly a lot of the time. She would never talk about problems, she wouldn't respect my boundaries at all, she would get angry if I tried to assert any, she was constantly inconsiderate and whenever I did something "wrong" she would give me the silent treatment. At the end of the relationship she barely talked to me for 3 months because I wanted to come with the car instead of the train to her birthday party (she wanted me to use the train). When I started breaking down because of not being able to do exams due to a severe panic attack I got and I told her trying to get some support, she scolded me, got angry and then basically stopped talking to me for a while.
I stuck it out through all of it because I loved her and, honestly, because of how I was raised I barely knew what a healthy relationship was like. I thought this was stuff that everyone went through and that I didn't deserve any better anyway.
Anyway, I say all this because my previous girlfriend (the one I met in 2022) seemed to be the complete opposite of that. She seemed to always be affectionate, always care about what I had to say. She would be supportive when I came to her with problems rather than judgemental. When I told her about my issues with BDD, she gave me a beautiful gift to emphasize how much she loved me. We would never fight and she would basically never get angry at me. When I asserted a boundary she would respect it and I would respect hers. She complimented me randomly and made me feel good.
This was honestly a kind of relationship that I had never had before and I didn't know it was possible. On top of that she was basically my ideal. Red hair, blue eyes, beautiful, understanding and affectionate, enthousiastic, loved books and reading, but was also more extroverted than me so encouraged me to go out, loved art and science, understood my issues with my parents, I felt like I could talk to her about anything, creative, etc.
Because of her I started slowly healing from my 2022 depression. It was very slow though, much slower than after previous depressions. I still remained in a light depression throughout 2023. It was still often hard for me to enjoy things. It was often hard for me to get motivated. Writing was still hard too. But I did manage to write more and more as the months went on.
I wasn't doing well yet, but I was doing better. And I had moments of genuine happiness whenever I was with her.
Then she broke up with me last month.
It was pretty sudden. Everything seemed to be completely and deliriously happy until about the middle of September. She suddenly started to get a little bit quieter and one day she ignored my messages for like a day or two before returning saying she had to think about some things. I asked about what but she said she'd rather talk about it IRL. So I went to her as soon as I could (a few days later). We talked about some stuff she was going through (I won't specify what for privacy reasons) and I said I understood and would try to do everything possible to respect it and help her. We spent the rest of the day and part of the day after together before I had to go home for a meeting with my job coach.
For a few days everything seemed to be getting a little bit better. I unexpectedly sent her a box of her favourite chocolates and she told me she hadn't had a smile on her face that broad in weeks. She told me I was the best boyfriend.
However, then things started getting worse again. She started replying to my messages less. She stopped saying "I love you" back when I said it. She stopped using gifs or emoticons as much. We didn't have much time to get together for a few weeks but I figured I would bring it up next time we got together. I invited her to come over in the middle of October and she accepted to come for friday to saturday.
A few days later she suddenly said she couldn't come friday to saturday due to a change of plans and could only come on sunday. I already felt worried but I went with it.
That sunday she came over late at night. We sat down and she proceeded to tell me a bunch of issues she had with me. These were issues that I had never heard her say a single word about for our entire relationship. Most of them were small, two of them were a bit bigger. I said I understood and that I was willing to change for it to work. But she said she didn't want me to do that and that it was over.
A few days later I tried to go win her back with flowers and everything. I also thought long and hard about what she'd said and took the steps I could to address her problems. And then I went to her with the train and walked 30 minutes in the cold to her house. And she basically treated me like I was a stranger...
It was extremely distressing. I had known her as someone who was always incredibly warm, empathetic, supportive and loving. I thought she loved me more than anyone else. But going to her then she was completely cold. She wasn't cruel or whatever, but it's like... it had only been 5 days but it felt as if I was talking to someone I had dated 5 years ago. She just didn't seem to care at all about me anymore.
I've had other girlfriends before. But even the girlfriend who treated me like shit for a lot of our relationship didn't react this way. She struggled a lot after we split up the first time. Same for my first girlfriend who missed me badly for a long time after. But this girl who seemed loving and empathetic... it's like there was nothing. Less than a month before that she was still talking to me like I meant everything to her and looking at me with a love I've barely ever seen in my life and then... just nothing. Complete indifference.
Anyway, all this to say: I'm currently without a diploma, unemployed and my mental health issues are bad enough that I don't know how I could get a job. My dream of becoming a writer doesn't seem to be happening. Not only do I not think I'm a very good writer (even after over a decade of practice) but once again I can't write anymore due to my depression having gotten so much worse again. My social anxiety means that I'm basically entirely isolated, I have no social support system and it's hard for me to find a new girlfriend. I still live with my emotionally abusive parents and I don't know how I can get out. I have almost no money. I'm getting older and I've still achieved nothing. I believe I am worthless and no woman will ever truly love me. I feel terrible about how I look and who I am and have no self-esteem or sense of self-worth. On top of that, despite it having been over a month now I still feel like my previous girlfriend was the love of my life and it still hurts just as much as on the first day. I still love her so much and I still miss her basically every second of every day. I am in constant mental pain and I see no hope for myself. Most days I can only either lay in bed or sit at my desk scrolling through social media. The most I can do is watch a Youtube video sometimes, but even that is hard. Reading, writing or playing video games I no longer have the energy to do.
My life is a living hell and I spend every day counting the minutes until I can finally go back to sleep. Which brings me to my actual question...
As I've laid out above, I don't think there's legitimately any hope for me. My life from a practical point of view is a complete mess and I have no idea how I can change that anymore. On top of that psychologically I'm barely holding together and I'm a depressed, anxious, heartbroken mess. Basically nearly every moment awake is suffering. I want things to end and I have made plans to that effect and yet... I can't seem to really go through with them.
I don't believe I have hope but the thought of not existing anymore scares me. I find it hard to say goodbye to certain things. The happy memories that I do have and are the only thing that can make me smile anymore, I'd have to say goodbye to them. Science and art that I won't ever be able to learn about anymore. I wouldn't be able to hug my cat anymore. I wouldn't be able to see the sunset or feel the grass between my toes. I wouldn't ever be able to play Halo or eat pizza again. I could never have sex or kiss a girl again. I could never feel loved or worth something again. All the years I spent trying to get into shape would be useless because my body would just rot. Everything that I think and everything that I am would be gone.
And this is what I'm struggling with right now.
On the one hand, I'm in constant excruciating pain and I feel there's no legitimate hope of things getting better. In fact, I firmly believe my life will likely get much worse over time. On the other hand, I can't seem to come to terms with not existing anymore and I'm scared.
I can't seem to get passed that hesitance to CTB. But at the same time, I can't overcome my pain, depression and anxiety enough to commit to actually living and trying to move forward and improve my situation. I feel like I'm a ghost just haunting what's left of my life sticking around for no reason.
I feel like I need to make a decision either way, but I just can't seem to. I just stay stuck in the middle.
I don't know what to do or what to think anymore.
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