Venting Advice on overcoming survival instinct, wrt violent methods?

[ohtwoait]

Basically... the only way I could ever let myself go out is with, like, self-targeted hyperviolence, (i.e: stabbing myself with a kitchen knife over and over, removing eyes or tongue or even fingers, something involving a drill, etc) but I can never actually make the first step, I always chicken out at the last minute and spend the next few weeks beating myself up over it. I started cutting around a year ago as a way to try to "work myself up" to it, but I'm still always too scared to actually do any damage to myself beyond little cat-scratches with tiny beads of blood. I've also tried other methods of self-harm such as hitting (bare-handed and w/ non-weapon household objects- been meaning to try a hammer or smth but don't own one), but I just can't stop myself from pulling punches. I tried to throw myself down a flight of stairs a few months back and even messed that up, somehow it just resulted in me twisting my ankle and getting some very light bruises. It all just combines to make me feel so stupid and cowardly... Is there any way to overcome all these little fears and aversions and stuff? I'm assuming it's mostly survival instinct but a big part of it could just be that I'm a coward >.>

 

[FuneralCry]

Those really do sound like horrific ways to try and leave this world, stabbing sounds like one of the worst methods and it just sounds so risky as well. But I just believe that many people manage to overcome the survival instinct when they get so desperate to leave or they just know that it's the right time, but I doubt that many of those people managed to leave this world in ways like what you mentioned.

 

[Rainy_days]

Why do you want to kill yourself in a hyper-violent way?

 

[ohtwoait]

Why do you want to kill yourself in a hyper-violent way?

It's a little complicated but it's basically the only way I could let myself go out. Pretty much all my life I've had a little bit of an obsession with stuff like that, and even before I got to the point of wanting to actually die, I always had a fixation on the idea of being violently murdered. Back then I often thought that I wanted to die/be killed, just without suffering the consequences of being dead afterwards. Because of that I'm kinda determined not to go out in any way that's not at least satisfying some of those old desires, y'know? It's like... going out via poison or jumping in front of a bus or whatever wouldn't be satisfying. I can't stand the thought of like, lying there dying, and the only thought in my head is bitterness because I missed my chance to get stabbed to death.

 

[LittleJem]

I was reading about the cannibal killer who got maybe 400 people volunteering to be eaten. One of them decided not to go through with it as he was being marked up and one of them did go through with it.

It might be you think like this because of your state of mind but it isn't actually what you enjoy/want. Like I have fantasised about being shot in the head when depressed. It's definitely not cowardly not to do it to yourself. Unless you can go deep/in the right locations it also won't work to CTB like this

 

[LittleJem]

ps I just read about serial killers etc to distract from depression

 

[Rainy_days]

It's a little complicated but it's basically the only way I could let myself go out. Pretty much all my life I've had a little bit of an obsession with stuff like that, and even before I got to the point of wanting to actually die, I always had a fixation on the idea of being violently murdered. Back then I often thought that I wanted to die/be killed, just without suffering the consequences of being dead afterwards. Because of that I'm kinda determined not to go out in any way that's not at least satisfying some of those old desires, y'know? It's like... going out via poison or jumping in front of a bus or whatever wouldn't be satisfying. I can't stand the thought of like, lying there dying, and the only thought in my head is bitterness because I missed my chance to get stabbed to death.

Can't say I understand... I'm guessing you've probably not shared these thoughts with many people? Are they something you would want to try and get rid of with treatment? Sounds really unpleasant to live with...

 

[fuzzy-clown]

Do you think you're just a masochist and want to incorporate that into CTB somehow?

 

[johndillinger]

Don't do this it will be unexplainably horrible

 

[ohtwoait]

Can't say I understand... I'm guessing you've probably not shared these thoughts with many people? Are they something you would want to try and get rid of with treatment? Sounds really unpleasant to live with...

Not shared them with many people, no. I used to have a friend online with the same kind of "interests," but we never talked much and eventually drifted apart because I looked up to them/thought they were too cool so I was always too intimidated to start conversations . As for getting rid of the thoughts, I'm not really sure how I feel about that... They've been in my head since childhood and I feel like they're too big of a part of who I am to just get rid of them. I also don't really tend to think of them as unpleasant? It's more of a neutral thing, like it just happens to be what my mind drifts towards when it's not thinking of anything else, etc.

I was reading about the cannibal killer who got maybe 400 people volunteering to be eaten. One of them decided not to go through with it as he was being marked up and one of them did go through with it.

It might be you think like this because of your state of mind but it isn't actually what you enjoy/want. Like I have fantasised about being shot in the head when depressed. It's definitely not cowardly not to do it to yourself. Unless you can go deep/in the right locations it also won't work to CTB like this

I guess that's a possibility, but I've been like this since before the actual mental issues started appearing, so I'm not sure if it being because of my state of mind is really accurate. It is a little worrying to consider that it might not work though... I've kind of been assuming that if I can get over the initial fear there'd basically be no going back after like, the first stab to the vague torso area.

Do you think you're just a masochist and want to incorporate that into CTB somehow?

I guess that's a fair read? I'm not sure if it's *just* masochism, but it's not innacurate to say that I want to enjoy CTB if I can.