Adieu

[sleepy dog]

For some reason this one hurts so much.

 

[color_me_gone]

For some reason this one hurts so much.

agree

 

[RitaM]

I couldn't do it. I mean, I could, but I couldn't. The first time I tried, it worked, leaning forward, two washcloths cushioning me, rope with the knot against my carotid. I felt the warm tingling and I started to lose it, my legs started to tremble and I was going. I was so shocked. I pulled back and fell backwards with a jolt, my whole body shaking like I was having a fit and I started hyperventilating.

I tried three more times and each time the same. Tingling, warmth, fading and legs buckling. I could have gone on any of them but I couldn't do it and I don't know why. I can't stop crying. I just want to go but I don't know what is stopping me.

 

[alexithymia]

I couldn't do it. I mean, I could, but I couldn't. The first time I tried, it worked, leaning forward, two washcloths cushioning me, rope with the knot against my carotid. I felt the warm tingling and I started to lose it, my legs started to tremble and I was going. I was so shocked. I pulled back and fell backwards with a jolt, my whole body shaking like I was having a fit and I started hyperventilating.

I tried three more times and each time the same. Tingling, warmth, fading and legs buckling. I could have gone on any of them but I couldn't do it and I don't know why. I can't stop crying. I just want to go but I don't know what is stopping me.

Rita, it's okay. You've been in so much pain and I know you're really hurting. It's a horrendous feeling to want to go but not being able to. Many of us are familiar. You are strong for posting here and reaching out to us.

I think it's best for you to stop so as not to risk any permanent damage. We are all here for you no matter what.

 

[Blackjack]

I couldn't do it. I mean, I could, but I couldn't. The first time I tried, it worked, leaning forward, two washcloths cushioning me, rope with the knot against my carotid. I felt the warm tingling and I started to lose it, my legs started to tremble and I was going. I was so shocked. I pulled back and fell backwards with a jolt, my whole body shaking like I was having a fit and I started hyperventilating.

I tried three more times and each time the same. Tingling, warmth, fading and legs buckling. I could have gone on any of them but I couldn't do it and I don't know why. I can't stop crying. I just want to go but I don't know what is stopping me.

What's stopping you is the method. You're not doing anything "wrong", except the method. It doesn't work. Period, paragraph.

 

[sleepy dog]

You are not weak. Survival instinct is so strong, even when we don't want it to be. That's why so many people want to use N.

 

[RitaM]

I could have gone, it was working. The reason it didn't work was I pulled back at the last moment.

 

[Dubs]

I could have gone, it was working. The reason it didn't work was I pulled back at the last moment.

Theoretically, outside the logic of this site, that is a good thing and hopefully you will recover and keep living.

 

[Blackjack]

I could have gone, it was working. The reason it didn't work was I pulled back at the last moment.

I was having this discussion w/a friend here today. SI is more than physical. It's emotional, both conscious & subconscious. And you have ZERO chance of control over that.

 

[alexithymia]

How are you feeling, Rita?

 

[RitaM]

How are you feeling, Rita?

The shock has worn off. I feel shaken, numb. Disappointed in myself. Frustrated. I made a call to someone 10 minutes before I tried and now I will have to explain it, god knows how.

 

[Lethe]

The shock has worn off. I feel shaken, numb. Disappointed in myself. Frustrated. I made a call to someone 10 minutes before I tried and now I will have to explain it, god knows how.

What did the call entail? I hope they don't get suspicious.

 

[RitaM]

Nothing. They didn't answer. I just have no idea how to explain a 4am phone call to a person who knows I'm in a lot of distress.

 

[alexithymia]

Nothing. They didn't answer. I just have no idea how to explain a 4am phone call to a person who knows I'm in a lot of distress.

Do they know you're suicidal?

 

[SNistheway]

We're here for you Rita. I'm glad we are still able to talk.

 

[RitaM]

Do they know you're suicidal?

No, but they know I'm a mess.

 

[alexithymia]

I'm so sorry. I've seen your posts before and you've been through hell with your attempts. I'm glad you're still on the forum and talking to us. Thank you for keeping us updated.

 

[RitaM]

Thank you all. Words can't express, seriously. I'm going to go to bed now and try to sleep because it seems the only logical thing to do. It's nearly 6am where I am. x

 

[sleepy dog]

Nothing. They didn't answer. I just have no idea how to explain a 4am phone call to a person who knows I'm in a lot of distress.

If it was a cellphone its easy to believe your finger accidentally pressed the wrong contact listing.

 

[alexithymia]

Goodnight, Rita. I hope sleeping allows you some peace. You deserve it.

We'll be here when you wake up.

 

[RitaM]

If it was a cellphone its easy to believe your finger accidentally pressed the wrong contact listing.

Yes, I think I'll just go with that. It's plausable. Thank you.

 

[Alchemist]

This thread is to support @RitaM . If you want to discuss methods go do it to a pertinent thread.

 

[Ky204]

Rest easy friend, I hope you've found peace

 

[Dawn0071111]

It's a hard thing.... to do...even in our anguish & suffering our biology is against us.... I'm glad your ok in the sense no permanent physical damage. You are in control, you can choose anything you want.... I hope you get the rest you need...

 

[gingerplum]

As @Blackjack said, the instinct to survive is so very primal and basic it will override everything else.

Sorry you've been put thru the wringer over this; selfishly glad you're still with us.

 

[Blackjack]

This thread is to support @RitaM . If you want to discuss methods go do it to a pertinent thread.

Sorry @RitaM & @Alchemist, it won't happen again.

 

[Sweet emotion]

I plan to ctb tonight, to give it my everything. I have taken some diazepam and have the rope ready to go. I'm drinking my favourite Viognier. I live alone but I'll wait until people in my block have gone to bed in case my body thrashing around alerts anyone. I feel calm in my decision. I believe it is the right thing to do. I have left my will and a suicide note. I have tried to be kind, and have left my most valuable possessions to my dearest friends. Everything is ready for them.

I wasn't loved as a child. I never attached to my mother who was unable to look after me and my father died when I was 22. My life has been mostly suffering. I have felt alone my entire life. I have tried hard to make it work, to be happy, but I can't do it anymore. My heart is broken. It's there, behind my ribs, but the beat has gone. I see no reason to go on. I want to go to sleep.

Thank you to everyone here who has been so kind. Raising a glass to you. See you on the other side. Rita x

I wish you peace and I hope you find some kind if happiness in death that you couldn't find in life.

 

[Blackjack]

I wish you peace and I hope you find some kind if happiness in death that you couldn't find in life.

She didn't succeed.

 

[Sweet emotion]

She didn't succeed.

Oh no!
Omg I thought she did. I'm so sorry. I just read all the new posts. Christ. How scary. I honestly don't know what to say. I'm just so sorry.

 

[Stan]

It's easy to be angry and disappointed at yourself by reading your account, would love to say something like stop feeling like that, its completely normal, but fear that they would be empty words to someone in pain and distress. I would give yourself a bit of time now. Think about yourself in the most selfish way. Get some pen and paper and scribble down your feelings or anything that comes to mind. Just vent. Even use this thread to do so if you think it helps sharing it. But here are the empty words again, stop blaming yourself. Of course there's a reason why you are still here now, just that it may not be obvious to you or those reading your story. I hope you find a moments peace for yourself somehow to be able to regroup and think about your options. You can see you have people here to want to help, give them a chance, costs you nothing and the risk is low. Take care Rita.