actually confirmed that no one cares bout me

[scenecore fan]

so, yesterday i was having an awful day that somehow got worse thanks to my egg donor.

i decided that i was gonna have a drink and practice some good ol self harm, idk what made me do it really, ig the attention? i dunno, but i took a pic of me holding my whisky infront of my pc, literally sayin what i was gonna do that night and published it on my social media, a few of my friends saw it during the night, some saw it this morning, but what's funny is that i only got two messages. one was from a friend from uni who said "wdym cut myself ", i replied and got no answer, then my so called bestie texted me and said "that's the easy way out" or smth like that, again, i replied to no answer. the rest just saw the thing and didnt said anything.

i always said that no one cared bout me, and every time i tried to talk about my goofy ass mental health or suicidal thoughts no one gave a shit, but i actually thought that literally saying that i was gonna hack at my own thigh while drunk would made them do anything. but no, i dont deserve anything, after this lil experiment im actually more motivated to kill myself, but at the same time its a bit of a shame really, i dont believe in anything really, that includes any type of life after death, but i always wished that i could spectate the world once i died, like a ghost, and see how everyone reacted to my death, my suicide note, etc... i was really looking forward to that chance. whatever. i think i'll jump from a mountain that near where i live and just call it a day.

 

[SASU-KE]

so, yesterday i was having an awful day that somehow got worse thanks to my egg donor.

i decided that i was gonna have a drink and practice some good ol self harm, idk what made me do it really, ig the attention? i dunno, but i took a pic of me holding my whisky infront of my pc, literally sayin what i was gonna do that night and published it on my social media, a few of my friends saw it during the night, some saw it this morning, but what's funny is that i only got two messages. one was from a friend from uni who said "wdym cut myself ", i replied and got no answer, then my so called bestie texted me and said "that's the easy way out" or smth like that, again, i replied to no answer. the rest just saw the thing and didnt said anything.

These are typical responses. Also, many people find it really tough to talk about these things, so they won't say anything or try to change the subject. Doesn't necessarily mean that they don't care or something.

i always said that no one cared bout me, and every time i tried to talk about my goofy ass mental health or suicidal thoughts no one gave a shit, but i actually thought that literally saying that i was gonna hack at my own thigh while drunk would made them do anything. but no, i dont deserve anything, after this lil experiment im actually more motivated to kill myself, but at the same time its a bit of a shame really, i dont believe in anything really, that includes any type of life after death, but i always wished that i could spectate the world once i died, like a ghost, and see how everyone reacted to my death, my suicide note, etc... i was really looking forward to that chance. whatever. i think i'll jump from a mountain that near where i live and just call it a day.

I too have wondered what it would be like at my funeral and wished I could kind of spectate. The people in my life have never thought of me as suicidal. Whenever I mildly tried to broach the subject, they would always brush it off. It will come as a huge shock to my family, I'm sure.

 

[KnightOfSwords]

Yeah and then they all say something like "no one saw this coming"
I'm sorry, you deserve better people in your life

 

[Autumn Blaze]

i agree with knightofswords, you deserve better people in your life!

a lot of people don't know how to engage with these delicate topics (CTB and cutting) i find, except for people who have done it, and i feel like having friends myself who like understand what i deal with is really good and healthy, but such people are extremely hard to find in this world it feels. sorry to hear your friends do not care - all too common experience, sometimes i worry if i'm being burdensome by telling people about my internal urges.

also the thing about spectating the world after you're gone, very highly real. i wonder what it'd be like at my funeral too. i was thinking of what my obituary could be like, that was an interestin' writing exercise, lol

 

[Leonard_Bangley39]

if nobody cares about you then the inverse should also apply. stop caring about them. if i were you I'd say whatever the hell i wanted. they don't care so it doesn't matter.

 

[scenecore fan]

if nobody cares about you then the inverse should also apply. stop caring about them. if i were you I'd say whatever the hell i wanted. they don't care so it doesn't matter.

I have already tried to stop caring about them via isolating myself. I didn't last longer than a month, it was too much for me and i needed at least some form of socialization, what im doing know, just like u said, is not caring too much about what i say, like, if i feel like shi i ain't gonna lie, or if i feel like no one cares, I'll say it without problems, insulting ppl (excluding my egg donor) it's a bit harder for me, i dunno if i hate some of those "friends" of mine, but i don't feel like talking down to them would make me feel any better

 

[delinquentsandwich]

yeah I've tried to completely self isolate after realizing that I couldn't depend on anyone

but I always keep coming back because being alone is so difficult lol
even if the friends aren't very good for me

funny how the brain works