Mongoose
Member
- Apr 26, 2023
- 23
I signed up ages ago. This is my first time posting. I'm unsure what I hope to get from it, but here it goes.
I've suffered from depression for years now, severe enough that I've made attempts before and been admitted four times. I'm hoping this will be the last time. I'm trying to accept the fact that I can't be fixed. It might work for some people, but I don't think I'm one of them. My issues are too deep-seated, and I'm just not getting any enjoyment from anything. I'm just miserable all the time. All my relationships have failed due to my mental illness (depression), and honestly, I can't connect with people. I never have. Which is an isolating experience.
I have my SN. I know what I'm going to do. Ignorical getting Anti-nausea meds is the hardest part, not the actual chemical that will make me CTB. Isn't that funny? In previous times, I haven't hesitated. But my last attempt was only a month ago? I let myself be stopped. I willingly told people what I was doing and readily handed my prepared substances over.
I'm getting ready again and hoping that this is the final time. But it feels more difficult this time. I feel guilty knowing what it is going to do to my family. But I don't see another option. Nor do I want one. I've discharged myself from mental health services and stopped taking the antidepressants in the hope it makes me sad to do it. And quit talking to anyone.
I guess I'm writing this as I feel alone. I can't tell anyone I know.
I've suffered from depression for years now, severe enough that I've made attempts before and been admitted four times. I'm hoping this will be the last time. I'm trying to accept the fact that I can't be fixed. It might work for some people, but I don't think I'm one of them. My issues are too deep-seated, and I'm just not getting any enjoyment from anything. I'm just miserable all the time. All my relationships have failed due to my mental illness (depression), and honestly, I can't connect with people. I never have. Which is an isolating experience.
I have my SN. I know what I'm going to do. Ignorical getting Anti-nausea meds is the hardest part, not the actual chemical that will make me CTB. Isn't that funny? In previous times, I haven't hesitated. But my last attempt was only a month ago? I let myself be stopped. I willingly told people what I was doing and readily handed my prepared substances over.
I'm getting ready again and hoping that this is the final time. But it feels more difficult this time. I feel guilty knowing what it is going to do to my family. But I don't see another option. Nor do I want one. I've discharged myself from mental health services and stopped taking the antidepressants in the hope it makes me sad to do it. And quit talking to anyone.
I guess I'm writing this as I feel alone. I can't tell anyone I know.
