princessdepression
justlikeyou
- Dec 2, 2021
- 28
sometimes I wonder if I would have succeeded in killing myself had I not met him. Sometimes I wonder if I met him so that I really would be pushed to the edge of life and choose only death. I have to make a choice, because although things are really good now…. It's always like this after the storm, the rage and the violence, so much so that I don't know when shit will hit the fan again because of the time I have with him after forgiving his actions…is all the love I thought I'd never experience when I was alone and tried to die.
But I know I won't and I can't, allow him to be the one to kill me when he loses it again.
That's the one thing I feel has always been mine, my private option to take my own life. To think of it being stripped from me makes me furious.
I can't believe the things I've been told. All the good, I can't trust, all the bad, I can't believe is coming out of a person who has dedicated themselves to me.
I made it to 22, I didn't ever think I'd make it past 17 after trying to die so many times. Why did I meet him at 19? What brought him to me? Was it because he's a decade older than me? Is all our connection boiled down to the fact he sought me out only for solace…. I am no one's solace. He has been right in his worst moments to me, that no one cares. I am in fact worthless, I am not a mother, I'm a stupid bitch. I am dumb, and I can't do anything right in this life. All of that is true.
But I am loving, I'm sacrificial, I'm caring, compassionate. I understand empathy, and yet I'm also fucking hopeless when it comes to me. I don't think I have a future, I think I've gone so far off a path that there's no turning back.
My plan to ctb is to hang myself, and a part of me hopes anyone that's tarnished and took ky love for granted, in my own sick way, I want them to know that I did for them. To be free of me. Even my own family wants to be free of me, I see it in their eyes, the shame at my lack of independence. My lack of life path progress. All the struggles with things I didn't handle.
Everyone needs a long break from me, especially me.
I love or at least I try
But I know I won't and I can't, allow him to be the one to kill me when he loses it again.
That's the one thing I feel has always been mine, my private option to take my own life. To think of it being stripped from me makes me furious.
I can't believe the things I've been told. All the good, I can't trust, all the bad, I can't believe is coming out of a person who has dedicated themselves to me.
I made it to 22, I didn't ever think I'd make it past 17 after trying to die so many times. Why did I meet him at 19? What brought him to me? Was it because he's a decade older than me? Is all our connection boiled down to the fact he sought me out only for solace…. I am no one's solace. He has been right in his worst moments to me, that no one cares. I am in fact worthless, I am not a mother, I'm a stupid bitch. I am dumb, and I can't do anything right in this life. All of that is true.
But I am loving, I'm sacrificial, I'm caring, compassionate. I understand empathy, and yet I'm also fucking hopeless when it comes to me. I don't think I have a future, I think I've gone so far off a path that there's no turning back.
My plan to ctb is to hang myself, and a part of me hopes anyone that's tarnished and took ky love for granted, in my own sick way, I want them to know that I did for them. To be free of me. Even my own family wants to be free of me, I see it in their eyes, the shame at my lack of independence. My lack of life path progress. All the struggles with things I didn't handle.
Everyone needs a long break from me, especially me.
I love or at least I try
