About to CTB, but...

[thorsve]

So I was ready to CTB until something hit me. If I die, my family can request access to my journals from my psychiatric clinic. Some of my family deny the trauma etc that is covered in my journals. I have been at the psych wards for 6 years and there's so much stuff in there that my family can access. This haunts me, I just want to die. I know this doesn't matter when I'm gone, but it still keeps me from CTB:ing. Even though I really want to. What should I do?

 

[painoflife]

People can deny things all they want but deep down they know the truth and will have to live with it on their conscience whether they admit it or not.
I know its easy for me to say that as an outsider looking at the situation but I know will not feel that simple for you in the middle of it.
I dont have any advice about how you can move forward but try and think about yourself and what you want/need rather than concentrate on other people

 

[thenamingofcats]

You mean there are journal entries in your file or you have journals you've written that you would leave behind in the case of ctb?

 

[thorsve]

You mean there are journal entries in your file or you have journals you've written that you would leave behind in the case of ctb?

In my family. What doctors/ nurses etc at my psych ward have written after our meets. My family can access them by filing a request at the hospital. I have bipolar disorder so they can also learn about everything I've done manic. It's just a lot.

People can deny things all they want but deep down they know the truth and will have to live with it on their conscience whether they admit it or not.
I know its easy for me to say that as an outsider looking at the situation but I know will not feel that simple for you in the middle of it.
I dont have any advice about how you can move forward but try and think about yourself and what you want/need rather than concentrate on other people

True. But my dad is a narc and never has he apologised or shown accountability. Honestly I don't care anymore. People can dismiss me all they want really. I own my truth. But yeah, I don't know how I should move forward either. Sometimes I want to stay alive for longer so they never get access to my journals/files. But I just can't stand the fact living much longer.. thanks for the reply <3

 

[willitpass]

What country are you from? There are laws protecting adults medical files being accessed by others without legal reason in certain countries.

 

[inutil]

You're just not ready yet, there will come a time when you won't care about it anymore.

 

[thorsve]

What country are you from? There are laws protecting adults medical files being accessed by others without legal reason in certain countries.

I'm from Sweden, I've tried reading about this but one of my family members accessed their mothers medical files..

 

[thenamingofcats]

In my family. What doctors/ nurses etc at my psych ward have written after our meets. My family can access them by filing a request at the hospital. I have bipolar disorder so they can also learn about everything I've done manic. It's just a lot.

oh I thought you meant they were written by you. At least it's not your innermost thoughts. My family has their own version of who I am, what I've done, what I'm like, and almost none of it is true. People make things up about the mentally ill and then they believe the stories they make up instead of just asking us. I don't know if there's a way around that. Honestly no ones reputation ever got better from ctb'ing and we have no control over what people will say/think about us after our death.

 

[thorsve]

You're just not ready yet, there will come a time when you won't care about it anymore.

I know. but how do I stop caring?

oh I thought you meant they were written by you. At least it's not your innermost thoughts. My family has their own version of who I am, what I've done, what I'm like, and almost none of it is true. People make things up about the mentally ill and then they believe the stories they make up instead of just asking us. I don't know if there's a way around that. Honestly no ones reputation ever got better from ctb'ing and we have no control over what people will say/think about us after our death.

oh, not by me. yeah, at least there's that. and your absolutely right. They love to dismiss the mentally ill. Yeah, we don't have control of what people say or think when we die, but I don't know why this is bothering me. If I CTB I'll be dead and won't know their opinions. Wondering why this bothers me so much. It's like a fear of losing control.

 

[inutil]

I know. but how do I stop caring?

I went through this, I even worried about what clothes I would be wearing when my body was found, but with time that passes, death is just the end, it doesn't make any sense to worry about what will happen after your death, If you no longer want to exist, just disconnect from this reality and leave.
I'm not encouraging you to CTB, I'm saying that it's your life and you do what you want with it, including shortening it.
Besides, what difference would it make if they knew about whatever it was you did?

f I CTB I'll be dead and won't know their opinions. Wondering why this bothers me so much. It's like a fear of losing control.

Something that helped me a lot was writing down what I was feeling, there is no right or wrong, there is no "what they will think", just take a pen and paper and start writing, if anyone cares to know what really happened to you It was all there, I wrote about 30 pages, I didn't write it for anyone, I wrote it for myself, what I was feeling.

 

[painoflife]

I'm from Sweden, I've tried reading about this but one of my family members accessed their mothers medical files..

Maybe at one of your one to one sessions you could ask for more information about their confidentiality policy so you are comfortable to continue being honest. Mention that you are aware there is sensitive issues you have discussed so what is there ongoing policy to protect that personal information. Dont make it sound super serious and like you will make decisions based on the answer but just something you have recently realised could be an issue in the future when you are no longer there (discharged or any other way). It might be a way to get the answer whether others can get access whether you are alive or not, so you arent left wondering

 

[AllMyDreams]

There's always the possibility that when you die the world as you know it will cease to exist. Or that's how I feel anyway.

But if you aren't 100% sure you should CTB, don't. When you go you deserve to be at total peace.

 

[Lifeaffirmingchoice]

I don't know what the laws arw in Sweden, but I know that in many countries you can specifically deny even closest family members to having access to your medical records. I totally understand why you wouldn't want narcissistic family members to be able to see them. They'll just use them to make the narrative suit their purposes. I think you should look into the laws or maybe contact an attorney about it.