Venting About hoping

[SpencerSees]

Hope is the only reason i haven't killed myself yet. Of course, it's not true hope for a better future (i doubt I'm capable of that now lol), but it's sicker, slimier cousin. This really annoying thing started happening to me where after weeks and months of a bad period i'll have a single good day, and in my mind that's it. It's fixed. We're fine now! Fine my ass. It returns. Twice as bad as before. I get even more paranoid, everyone around me gets more uncaring, and i get to sit in the middle of it all, cursing myself out for not ending it when I was in that one specific numb state of mind. I started telling myself that it won't last whenever someone is understanding with me, or when i feel bad. It sorta works I guess, but also sucks all life outta me which definitely isn't helping with the whole staying alive shtick. My most recent maneuver around my issues is being completely apathetic towards the people i'm supposed to care about. Ig I finally realized I can't help anyone, so I stopped hoping for them too. I can't wait to have this burden lifted from my loved one's shoulders.

 

[aiki__0]

I totally understand this. It's like our brains are playing some type of cruel game on us

 

[FadingSunshine]

In greek mythology hope is the greatest evil in pandora’s box, because hope will cause us to endure the pain of the rest of the evils. Hope is a blessing and a curse. It drives us, but it hurts us when our hope is unfounded.

 

[Letmedienow]

"Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man."

 

[AeroReese]

Hope. What a familiar concept

I snack on hope daily, I drink to remember what it felt like to be mentally stable. I remember the best days of my life and how much life felt worth living, and I miss it..

Somehow I’m not sure that state can ever be reached again. Perhaps I’m eternally doomed to suffer. l don’t know anyone who has the level of happiness I once seemed to possess, and perhaps it was all the taste of joy I was designated. Life is crushing

 

[Whited Sepulchre]

Hope. What a familiar concept

I snack on hope daily, I drink to remember what it felt like to be mentally stable. I remember the best days of my life and how much life felt worth living, and I miss it..

Somehow I’m not sure that state can ever be reached again. Perhaps I’m eternally doomed to suffer. l don’t know anyone who has the level of happiness I once seemed to possess, and perhaps it was all the taste of joy I was designated. Life is crushing

Funny how hope works for me.
Hope's supposed to keep you hooked and make you look back on the good times, but it makes me remember all the pain and points forward with a promise, baiting me that someday, somehow just like that, everything might get - not good not great - just better.

I mindlessly walk through it all over again.
I keep looking back as I walk on.
I want to forget and just keep going or just rush back to familiar memories that cut me and stay behind.
But, it's like betting on the lottery.
You know it's rigged, you know it's not real and it's only a lie everyone including yourself have told over and over.
Yet, you go at it again like some one cast a spell on you.

 

[FuneralCry]

It certainly is like any false hope just exists to lead to more suffering once it’s inevitably taken away, existence is just too cruel and it must be really tiring what you have to go through.

 

[アホペンギン]

This false hope stems from a single good fortune, but this fortune disappears quickly and the misfortune is even worse than before. Its not worth it, even if I have a good moment I still ignore it and remember nothing good will come from it.