- Feb 22, 2023
Hope is the only reason i haven't killed myself yet. Of course, it's not true hope for a better future (i doubt I'm capable of that now lol), but it's sicker, slimier cousin. This really annoying thing started happening to me where after weeks and months of a bad period i'll have a single good day, and in my mind that's it. It's fixed. We're fine now! Fine my ass. It returns. Twice as bad as before. I get even more paranoid, everyone around me gets more uncaring, and i get to sit in the middle of it all, cursing myself out for not ending it when I was in that one specific numb state of mind. I started telling myself that it won't last whenever someone is understanding with me, or when i feel bad. It sorta works I guess, but also sucks all life outta me which definitely isn't helping with the whole staying alive shtick. My most recent maneuver around my issues is being completely apathetic towards the people i'm supposed to care about. Ig I finally realized I can't help anyone, so I stopped hoping for them too. I can't wait to have this burden lifted from my loved one's shoulders.