This is a bunch of hopeless doomsday shit running out in my life. Same tired script, but it keeps gaining weight and momentum and I think I'm loosing the last bit of my rational mind that cares and preserves itself. I've been eating close to 2.5 grams of Benadryl a day. Isolation in my apartment.... psychosis , sadness and regret and shame. I've been such a fucking shitty person, lying and using people cause I'm seemingly addicted to chaos. There are all the reasons in place for it to be a good thing to die and pay for the person I was. But, I've been trying hard in certain areas of my life to make changes and yet I can't pass go, I'm not allowed to make anything right. I have to suffer an unknown debt for x-amount of time and then maybe in the future I can know some peace before I die. The past few months I've had more SI and self harming than I've seen since my Teen years. I cut myself and I take pills to feel my heartbeat fluttering and slowing...tie a noose up on the sprinkler pipes in the room, many sharp things. My sanity, like it feels like I'm loosing my soul evaporating out of the cuts I do to myself. I have no support or know where to help myself. What do I really have to recover for... No one else care's about my well being. By all rights and reasons I don't have anything. I've been being gang stalked by lots of people that are going to hurt me. I'm afraid of being attacked or me loosing my shit and just trying to preemptively attack someone I feel threatened by. I want to live and do right in this world. Not be this. I gotta watch myself because I get paid soon and I'm contemplating alcohol overdose and from my 5th floor window to the pavement. I've been doing much suicide method research and I'd like to believe that I can overcome survival instinct.Here we go order SN, bunch of charcoal, a gallon of rum, I don't know, the place I'm getting into my head is looking really fucking dark. With everything I can cite I want to live for, I have a much larger self loathing, working past being a coward is all that's stopping me. The world I live in wrote me off a long time ago and I don't know how to do much other than oblige it in silence and just fucking do it already. Can anyone see or know of options I'm missing, I'm not totally irrational, not yet anyway. I'm putting all this out in explicit detail to my friends on here that might understand what I'm going through. Help me, please. I want my irrational shit shot down, cause I want rationality. I don't want the dark anymore.
Thank you for reading if you got this far... Anything you feel or have to say about all of this, hit me with it.
J
Thank you for reading if you got this far... Anything you feel or have to say about all of this, hit me with it.
J
Someone with a different viewpoint in contrast with the problems. Just looking for positive after I expell the issues in front of my peers, friends that I have on here that can offer a different ways to view adversity
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