Story A year since I joined. (Late post)

[GoSan1]

I joined SaSu on November 7th, 2024, which means I have passed the 1-year mark.​

I didn't realize that I had already passed the 1st anniversary, which is why I'm posting so late.

It's crazy to think about how I have endured another year, to be here even though I was so ready to take my own life after Christmas last year.
So I wanted to do a little recap of all that has happened and what is now. I don't expect anyone to fully read this, but if you do, I truly thank you in advance for listening to my story.

I only joined SaSu by coincidence, finding this site while seeking methods to take my own life with as little pain as possible. Never would I have expected it to grow on me this much.
From finding out so many new things to use up to meeting poor souls who are in the same boat, if not even worse. Up to this day, I always grow sadder when I see a new User, as that increases the number of depressed people I can see. I will stand with my opinion that this site shouldn't exist, but not because of immorality, but because no one should suffer so much to be seeking such platforms.

I have met many kind, cursed people who seem to struggle with it all.

idelttoilfsadness21
Im sorry that your life is this complex and sad. While I honestly don't read all messages fully and just fly over them, I appreciate all the times you cared and worried about me. I hope it gets better.

helvetic
Thank you for the memes and wishes. Some of them really made me chuckle. I dont know much about your situation, but I hope you pull through. Your optimism outshines my pessimism.

Yas
I really liked our conversations. What has been done to you is truly unfair, which makes you fighting on even more awesome. I hope your plan turns out amazing, just like how you are.

All the other Users I talked to
Thank you for sharing your stories with me. Since im Interested in other peoples lives, I really appreciate you opening up to me.

And to the unkown Users
I hope you all are able to find peace. If me dying meant you all getting the lives you wanted, Id promise I would do it in a instant. But only God can do such thing.
​

I helped many people find a SN Source in Europe, which might of have caused many suicides in which I had partaken. One User especially makes me think that I have helped them in ending their life. Never in my life had I thought I would get into such a Situation. I regret not trying to convince them, but part of me just held me back knowing that in all these years of me hoping, nothing changed and the pain was just prolonged. May God have mercy with all of us. Especially on those, who couldnt bare it anymore.

Over the time nothing changed. I am just as lonely and unstable as before, if not even more. I now just have a way to actually do my duty and support my mother and little brother due to me finishing my training and getting a good job. I still want to die and finally let this all end, but I have to fight for some years more so they can live a decent live at least. I will fight this unfairness my mother had to endure, which turned her too into a poor soul.

Loneliness is torturing me, eating me from the inside. I hear how people find love, how long they have been together for, people marrying, and while im so happy for them, I feel this sharp sting in my chest and that chill running down my spine. I have grown so desperate, I dont think I can ever find love normally. I cant think of someone accepting me for who I am, because I offer barely anything, and even that is a broken mess. My young self always looked forward to being in love and in a relationship one day. That poor soul never knew what was comming...

And here I am now, writing this post to document this life of mine. I realized I have started crying less and less. I think half a year ago I would be crying while writing this, but now, just this chill and emptiness. I dont wanna live anymore, Im turning into something terrible. I am just glad somehow im still barely faithful to my religion, as I though I had tossed it away a long time ago.

Soon the year will end, and another start. But what does that mean for us? Can we truly celebrate something we dont look forward to? Cruel, oh so cruel.

Thank you again, if you did read this all.
If anyone ever needs someone to talk to or would like to share their stories, im gladly here.​