A Walk Through Memory Lane's Graveyard

[Meretlein]

Hello everyone. A few of you will remember, but given how many times the users of this site have turned over, the number will be small.

I joined this site while it was still small in early 2019. I was in my late teens at this point, and while I imagine many on the outside of this site would find that pretty abhorrent, this site was the last lantern's light for me. I huddled around it, brushing past the other suffering souls who have come and gone from the site. I met so many people, some still alive, some dead, who have left a piece of themselves in my heart forever. They got me through some of my darkest years and are a few shimmers of light in those memories.

I have been able to find some semblance of peace recently. It came after years of stumbling around in the dark, and ironically, the space needed to find that peace was obtaining N. I was gifted it from someone who has long since passed, and the irony is not lost on me that by giving me the gift of death, she gave me the gift of life. A real life, one made with full choosing. To have the means to go peacefully but to choose to live is the most life affirming choice one can make. I know that I will eventually ctb, but for now, I believe that the sweetest song of my life has not been sung yet. When that time comes, I will be so much more than that 18 year-old who once held that bottle in surreal relief.

During those years I was active, I lost so many people. Some I knew for years and some only for days. Others I just brushed past when I was closing their goodbye thread. Through these years, I have been carrying a personal graveyard of everyone I know who has passed here. Maybe those graveyard visits are what called me back here.

I guess this was my version of reintroducing myself. I mostly rambled. Anyways, I hope yall's graveyards stay small.

 

[Redacted24]

What to say to this?
It's nice to hear you found such comfort in this community - I have too! - honestly being here has kept me going far longer than I had expected.

There is a kind of peace knowing you have what you need to make the transition to peace any time you would choose. There's a comforting factor in that, isn't there?

I personally couldn't manage it. Silly impulsive part of my nature.

And yes, just in the couple of years being here, seeing community members come and go, is a strange feeling.

Some have left because they've had a change of heart. Have found the life they'd been missing, figured things out and put these dark times behind them. I've been so very happy to have walked with them part of the way.

And many others have left on a more permanent basis. I still remember our time together, because they've been so wonderful even through their suffering and pain. I keep their memories in my heart, and reread some of our conversations from time to time. They are in my heart, part of me, part of the full portrait of the wreckage of my life that I'm trying still to hold together.

I still have a deep love for a few.

And am at peace with knowing their suffering has also come to an end.

All of this to say, welcome back, and while the members of this community have changed a lot, it's still a remarkable group of kind, caring, talented, funny and esoteric people from all over... it's the one place I feel accepted.