45 days since I last told you I loved you. They said it would get easier and it did but it's harder in some ways. Now that all the pomp and ceremony is over, I'm left with the day to day, trying to deny what happened while my own body heals itself from grief. Hedonic adaptation is already pulling me to my baseline. I hate it. I have to drink all day to even feel anything anymore. How did we get here? How did I fail you so spectacularly? This isn't what I was told; all the movies, the songs, and the books told me that if I was a good person, kept my nose clean, and my head down, I'll get what I want eventually.
I don't want to be here in this position, my family having to hide knives, our friends missing more and more of my calls. I know they're busy and they have their own lives to live. I don't really blame them but I do envy them. I never really understood what it meant to lose, they don't either. Not in the way I have, not yet. So here I am measuring bridges, looking for sodium nitrite, or helium, trying to make a plan that doesn't hurt the people I love more than it has to. All I know is that they can go on with their lives the same way it goes on without you. It might be selfish of me but I think that the greatest grief is that of losing your partner.
How I miss my old life. I never thought a picture of you could break my heart a thousand times upon a thousand. I never thought that I would akin your smile to the sunset when it was always the sunrise. I never thought I'd have to bury you every day a thousand times upon a thousand.
How cruel fate was to take you the way that it did. When you were finally free and growing. When it would be all my fault for not being there when you asked me to. God, we're still so young. We were planning our wedding. Things were finally coming together. All this time you were just waiting for me to be ready, you just wanted to be with me.
I used to hope this was all a dream. Now I can't sleep because I know I'll be crushed in the morning to know it isn't. I pray every night to whoever is listening to take me. I pray to you to come get me.
I know I can endure this, my body is telling me to. But do I really want to be that person? The person who will eventually have remembered you longer than he knew you? The person who gets a second chance at life to live, love, grow, and do all the things we wanted to do, live the dreams we were dreaming. Is that all you are now? A memory? At least if I die, we can be together again in the minds and hearts of those who love us.
Sorry community, this turned into a letter hahaha don't know where I was going with this I was just going to rant about wanting assisted euthanasia since that looks like the best way in terms of closure for family, handling my body, the success rate, etc. Hope you don't mind if I still post this.
I don't want to be here in this position, my family having to hide knives, our friends missing more and more of my calls. I know they're busy and they have their own lives to live. I don't really blame them but I do envy them. I never really understood what it meant to lose, they don't either. Not in the way I have, not yet. So here I am measuring bridges, looking for sodium nitrite, or helium, trying to make a plan that doesn't hurt the people I love more than it has to. All I know is that they can go on with their lives the same way it goes on without you. It might be selfish of me but I think that the greatest grief is that of losing your partner.
How I miss my old life. I never thought a picture of you could break my heart a thousand times upon a thousand. I never thought that I would akin your smile to the sunset when it was always the sunrise. I never thought I'd have to bury you every day a thousand times upon a thousand.
How cruel fate was to take you the way that it did. When you were finally free and growing. When it would be all my fault for not being there when you asked me to. God, we're still so young. We were planning our wedding. Things were finally coming together. All this time you were just waiting for me to be ready, you just wanted to be with me.
I used to hope this was all a dream. Now I can't sleep because I know I'll be crushed in the morning to know it isn't. I pray every night to whoever is listening to take me. I pray to you to come get me.
I know I can endure this, my body is telling me to. But do I really want to be that person? The person who will eventually have remembered you longer than he knew you? The person who gets a second chance at life to live, love, grow, and do all the things we wanted to do, live the dreams we were dreaming. Is that all you are now? A memory? At least if I die, we can be together again in the minds and hearts of those who love us.
Sorry community, this turned into a letter hahaha don't know where I was going with this I was just going to rant about wanting assisted euthanasia since that looks like the best way in terms of closure for family, handling my body, the success rate, etc. Hope you don't mind if I still post this.
