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[Somewhat Suicidal]

On the other hand, Indian girls are very open minded that they can't run a household anymore. They can't be good wives. They'd be having multiple boyfriends. One of my ex is cheating on her current boyfriend and sending her intimate pics to i don't know how many other guys. Her current boyfriend is a really good generous and loyal guy who plans to marry her and she's cheating on such a nice guy. So, dating in India is all messed up. Although, interestingly, if you like Indian girls by any chance, you can try to date them. Indian girls like western men, so you have a better chance than any Indian guy. But it's mostly going to be long distance unless either party decides to visit either one's country.

Ig not that different after all to here xD
Exotic people are always interesting, here the guy from Spain even an Arab or whatever is what a western man would be in India. Also that obviously works the other way round as well. Although generally a bit different and for different reasons, for example the passport bros simply want more traditional gender roles and tend to go to Asia for that, as most women here don't want that anymore. I personally am really open about the whole gender roles thing, don't think anything needs to be a certain way. Although it is definitely hard to both work full time and do a household at the same time and I'd prefer one of the 2 doing that instead and only working part time... but thats another whole issue.

You got the chemical right. That's aripiprazole.
I wish you could try that. If it worked for my mother and brother both, may be, it could work for you. But unless your psychiatrist prescribes it, it's not possible to try.

You sure they only had major depression and no other diagnosis, because that seems a weird medication for major depression.

Because i had to return to life, I had to work on it to make it better. And I used to succeed in that. But when everything seemed settled, life would suddenly go downwards. The cycle keeps repeating. I'm sick and tired of it.

Yeah I've improved life a few times as well when I wasnt suicidal even and depression wasn't as major yet. Back then I also succeeded, at least for a time. Ever since it's so major and suicidality joined the mix for real (not just as an abstract fantasy) I can't get myself to do much that would improve life for real, it just sees all like a waste of time and effort and motivation and energy to do anything has become such a huge issue even if it didn't feel like that. I always wonder how so many people who are actively suicidal can have the motivation and energy to do so much still. I simply can't...

Right now, I'm having good days though, still I'm planning to ctb, even when i do not have any valid reason at the moment to ctb. Life is going fine. I'm no longer depressed. Everything is on track. I have moved on from my breakup after 3 fckn years. I'm healed on the whole. But I know bad days will knock on my door again as soon as I feel that everything is finally going good. Life hits me hard when i least expect it.

Glad to hear it and I honestly wish you all the luck that it might stay this way and maybe you will not cab after all and be thankful it didn't work out so many times in the end. Wouldn't that be an ironic destiny. (I dont really believe in such stuff, but it still would be ironic to say the least).

I'm positive that you should be able to experience Good changes at the world renowned clinic of Germany. I hope and wish that you can heal and enjoy your life

Good luck my bro

I hope so, we will see. For now I have to wait until anything actually happens, it always takes ages to get admitted anywhere... Trying to get to the local hospital for the time being, but even that is hard to do unless you want to straight up tell themselves I am gonna run in front of a train and be involuntarily admitted...

Thanks

 

[ctb_warrior]

Haha so it's the story pretty much every where. I used to think it's just that Indian girls are crazy. I used to protect my ex from falling into a pit, and she would want to fall in the pit and upon stopping her, she would tell me to not try to be her parent. Lol. I loved her so I was protective of her. And I'm intelligent enough to foresee outcomes. She was very immature and she still is. She is mad for a guy who's not even going to get married to her and treats her like a doormat. She cheated on me who treated her like a queen and wanted to marry her. Crazy girls.

Yeah, taking care of household chores along with the job is crazy. I went to UK to setup a good life for myself and my gf (I came back when I suffered anxiety attack there and I realised that my gf is not responding well to my efforts). There I had to literally do everything by myself, cleaning the floor and furniture, washing the dishes, cleaning the bathroom, cleaning the kitchen, cooking. I had to walk several kilometres to the market to get stuff.
On the contrary, when I'm in India, I can book cabs, hire a house help, hire a cook, i can order food and groceries online. So, I think if you would like this kinda life, you may consider to live in India and see if this country suits you.

I don't know the exact diagnosis of my mother and brother. Mother had bipolar+ schizophrenia. My brother used to get weird unrealistic ideas in his head. So, I don't know what that was. He was lost in Harry Potter world and used to watch tragic scenes like the scene in titanic when the ship sinks and everyone is dying.
Both of them were given aripiprazole. They both got normal. My brother stopped taking his meds in between, his condition reverted. He was again given aripiprazole and he again is back to normal. Now they both are taking maintenance dose of it.
My psychiatrist who is a different psychiatrist than theirs, he also gave me aripiprazole for major depressive disorder. It didn't benefit me even slightly. I'm currently being given zupion dx for major depressive disorder, lithium for suicide ideation, naltima for alcohol dependence.
Zupion has worked really well. I no longer have restlessness and anxiety. I'm completely normal now. I did leave my medicine in July after thinking that I'm good now, i got restlessness again and I got a panic attack within 4 weeks of stopping my medicine.

Lithium doesn't work for my suicidal thoughts because my suicidal thoughts are not based out of depression, it's a conscious decision. However, there's only one thing that did stop my suicidal thoughts - it was homeopathic medicine Aurum metallicum 30. So, I stopped taking it

Naltima is working really nicely. I feel pukish while drinking alcohol now. Just yesterday I was trying to have rum (that's the only drink i can still have due to naltima), i stared at rum bottle for 2.5 hours. I just couldn't get the courage to drink it. Every time I would decide to drink it, I used to get strong pukish sensation.
Finally, i conditioned my mind by remembering how i used to drink when i started it. And tried to trigger how I like the state it puts me in.

I too wonder how some people who are either depressed or suicidal or both, manage to be so active. I don't feel like doing anything. I'm literally a prince at my home i don't do a single thing. The only thing I'm forced to do is to open my office laptop and do office related stuff. I want to leave my job as well, but while I'm alive, it's allowing me to have the financial freedom, so because of that I do it.

Well, if I talk about my life and CTB, i have SN with me now. And I have hidden it safely but I'm not sure how long will it be safe, so I'll try to figure out another place where I can shift it to keep it safe. If I can't, then I'll have to CTB soon.
One thing is for sure, in this lifetime, I'll die by CTB. When is the question. In the afternoon, when I couldn't find a place to hide SN, I was thinking of CTB today or tomorrow. But now that i have hidden it, so it has bought me some more time.

I have an idea in this regard, i didn't know if it's feasible. As you mentioned that in Germany it's hard to get admitted to even a local hospital.
What if you move to India, may be for just an year, get your treatment and do your germany based job from India, so you can earn in Euros and spend in Rupees. The one things that are unbearable in India= heat and pollution. Rest all can be managed easily. And with Euros in your hand, you can literally live life here like a King

See if the idea can work for you.

Take care bro

 

[Somewhat Suicidal]

Haha so it's the story pretty much every where. I used to think it's just that Indian girls are crazy. I used to protect my ex from falling into a pit, and she would want to fall in the pit and upon stopping her, she would tell me to not try to be her parent. Lol. I loved her so I was protective of her. And I'm intelligent enough to foresee outcomes. She was very immature and she still is. She is mad for a guy who's not even going to get married to her and treats her like a doormat. She cheated on me who treated her like a queen and wanted to marry her. Crazy girls.

That seems to be a common recurring theme overall. Some truth in the saying that they like assholes. But I don't want to be such an asshole. Probably just a matter of finding the right balance, but that is hard as well. Not really a subject I want to bother myself with right now tho.

Mother had bipolar+ schizophrenia. My brother used to get weird unrealistic ideas in his head.

that explains it then for your mother... and your brother also doesn't just sound like depression either...

Lithium usually just reinforces the effect of SSRIs or SNRIs afaik. A friend of mine (dont have much contact these days) is also taking it, she has also bipolar disorder.

Not sure about the other meds you talked about as I have never heard of them and cba to look it up right now.

Well, if I talk about my life and CTB, i have SN with me now. And I have hidden it safely but I'm not sure how long will it be safe, so I'll try to figure out another place where I can shift it to keep it safe. If I can't, then I'll have to CTB soon.

How is that an issue if you have your own place?

As you mentioned that in Germany it's hard to get admitted to even a local hospital.
What if you move to India, may be for just an year, get your treatment and do your germany based job from India, so you can earn in Euros and spend in Rupees.

It's not hard to get committed involuntarily to a place where nothing useful happens. There's just considerable waiting time for anything that's useful. After my stay in another clinic from March to May I tried to get my shit together and couldn't, so I recently decided to give it another try, first locally and then after longer waiting time in the aforementioned specialised clinic that actually can treat my issues with the latest treatment options that science has produced that I mentioned before.
I don't think I wanna live in India to be honest, just sooooo many people, I think I would go insane. I live in a small village right now with my dad again and I already despise seeing all the people here... and that's just 6k people. Also I don't have a job and can't pay for treatment myself... here it's at least covered by my health insurance.
Ofc, being rich would be nice yeah, but all my money is in an apartment that turned out to be shit as well because the neighbouring doctors office absolutely drives me insane with their constant baby noise pollution (and some other issues, dont really want to get into it, it annoys me).