I'm sorry that things are so awful, I understand how you feel. This life can be so depressing and I know that it can be dreadful when things just get worse. I wish you the best in whatever happens.
You don't know how frustrating it is after studying, and training, and training... and prepare and fight so hard for so many months. That then you can not dedicate yourself to what you like the most because of an emotional issue of something that happened 10 years ago
After spending 4 years training myself to be emotionally strong. To have a strong ethic of work, to develop creativity and enough coldness that allows me to know what to do in any situation, to isolate myself for months and months deteriorating relationships with my best friends to be able to become an exceptional person capable of helping anyone... after spending almost a year studying such a complicated subject daily
And what good is any of that if I'm not even a person... I am AN "alter"... and I can't even control the time I'm going to be outside
I just want it all to end all at once.
You are a good person. Always in the forum, empathizing with everyone. I wish you the best and that you can find peace.