birdofafeather
Just tired
- Feb 12, 2023
- 45
(CW: References to very mild SA)
I've been falling deeper into the pit of my own mind and absolutely no one who is supposed to care about me has noticed. I used to think its because I disguised it well, or they didn't notice the signs, but now I realise it's because they don't care.
A family friend made a very creepy comment about me in front of my parents
(For context, we were playing geoguessr on my phone and he picked it up and went:
"I like snooping through people's phones."
I replied, "Please don't do that."
He's like: "Why? Do you have anything to hide?"
"No, I just am a bit touchy around privacy"
"Oh have you got nudes on there?"
"Ew. Gross. No."
"Shame. That's what I imagined myself seeing.")
And there was no reaction from anyone. A middle aged man, who is older than my goddamn father, fuck it, he's 30 years older than me, literally just said something that essentially means he was imagining me naked. And no one batted an eye.
When I brought it up later, my parents said these three things:
1. It was a joke and I'm being too sensitive (cool, not really an acceptable thing to joke about with a person who is more than 30 years younger than you, hell, not even an acceptable thing to joke about with a person who is barely even an acquaintance)
2. He probably just thinks I'm a teenager (... that makes it even creepier wtf????? Like this man is in his 50s, and you're telling me that him thinking about an (alleged) teenagers nudes is a normal thing??? [For context, I'm 20. I very much still feel like a teenager, but that is besides the point.])
3. I asked for it by being defensive about him snooping around my phone (HE'S PRACTICALLY A STRANGER????? OF COURSE I'M NOT GOING TO BE COMFORTABLE??? HELLO????)
Then they told me I was being too sensitive and dramatic and told me to drop it, more frustrated that I brought it up in the first place than concerned that a guy over twice my age was thinking about my naked body.
I cried as I tried to shower. It's been about 3 weeks since my last shower and I promised that I'd stop being a filthy, disgusting creature today, just so I could feel more human before I CTB. This has just caused me to spiral.
The people meant to care about me don't give two flying fucks. I'm an inconvenience. My illness is also an inconvenience. And the worst part is, they're right. I can't even CTB properly. All I do is just fuck it up partway through and add another scar to my ever increasing collection.
It's funny really. They probably have noticed my downward spiral. I haven't been discreet. I'm losing myself again. And I'm tired of this constant cycle of suffering and hope. It feels like a joke at my expense. Every time I think it's not going to get worse, life hits me with some more ridiculous bs. There is genuinely no point in trying anymore.
One day, I will finally manage to CTB. There is no beauty in that. No tragedy. It will be entirely neutral. The pain stops. But there won't be peace either. All that will be left is nothing. And that's a comforting thought.
I just wish that the people who should be the ones that care, actually did. Because as much as I want to die, as much as I want to vanish, some part of me hoped that there'll be at least someone who would care. That I really wasn't as worthless as my disgustingly broken and ill brain tells me.
Hopefully I'll be gone soon. With my luck, I'll fail again, but with all the resources I have my hands on now, it should work this time.
I've been falling deeper into the pit of my own mind and absolutely no one who is supposed to care about me has noticed. I used to think its because I disguised it well, or they didn't notice the signs, but now I realise it's because they don't care.
A family friend made a very creepy comment about me in front of my parents
(For context, we were playing geoguessr on my phone and he picked it up and went:
"I like snooping through people's phones."
I replied, "Please don't do that."
He's like: "Why? Do you have anything to hide?"
"No, I just am a bit touchy around privacy"
"Oh have you got nudes on there?"
"Ew. Gross. No."
"Shame. That's what I imagined myself seeing.")
And there was no reaction from anyone. A middle aged man, who is older than my goddamn father, fuck it, he's 30 years older than me, literally just said something that essentially means he was imagining me naked. And no one batted an eye.
When I brought it up later, my parents said these three things:
1. It was a joke and I'm being too sensitive (cool, not really an acceptable thing to joke about with a person who is more than 30 years younger than you, hell, not even an acceptable thing to joke about with a person who is barely even an acquaintance)
2. He probably just thinks I'm a teenager (... that makes it even creepier wtf????? Like this man is in his 50s, and you're telling me that him thinking about an (alleged) teenagers nudes is a normal thing??? [For context, I'm 20. I very much still feel like a teenager, but that is besides the point.])
3. I asked for it by being defensive about him snooping around my phone (HE'S PRACTICALLY A STRANGER????? OF COURSE I'M NOT GOING TO BE COMFORTABLE??? HELLO????)
Then they told me I was being too sensitive and dramatic and told me to drop it, more frustrated that I brought it up in the first place than concerned that a guy over twice my age was thinking about my naked body.
I cried as I tried to shower. It's been about 3 weeks since my last shower and I promised that I'd stop being a filthy, disgusting creature today, just so I could feel more human before I CTB. This has just caused me to spiral.
The people meant to care about me don't give two flying fucks. I'm an inconvenience. My illness is also an inconvenience. And the worst part is, they're right. I can't even CTB properly. All I do is just fuck it up partway through and add another scar to my ever increasing collection.
It's funny really. They probably have noticed my downward spiral. I haven't been discreet. I'm losing myself again. And I'm tired of this constant cycle of suffering and hope. It feels like a joke at my expense. Every time I think it's not going to get worse, life hits me with some more ridiculous bs. There is genuinely no point in trying anymore.
One day, I will finally manage to CTB. There is no beauty in that. No tragedy. It will be entirely neutral. The pain stops. But there won't be peace either. All that will be left is nothing. And that's a comforting thought.
I just wish that the people who should be the ones that care, actually did. Because as much as I want to die, as much as I want to vanish, some part of me hoped that there'll be at least someone who would care. That I really wasn't as worthless as my disgustingly broken and ill brain tells me.
Hopefully I'll be gone soon. With my luck, I'll fail again, but with all the resources I have my hands on now, it should work this time.
