Alpha_Draco_Pegasus
Member
- Jun 16, 2019
- 48
This is something that has angered me for quite a while and I've been wanting to get around to expressing my thoughts, feelings and insights about this without being irrational or melodramatic.
In school, rehab, and society in general, the attitude at large of suicide is, Do not keep suicidal thoughts a secret. Report someone if they are showing signs of suicidality. Get them help because something is wrong with them if they don't want to live. Suicide just isn't an option. And people feel obligated to report somebody who they know is suicidal because if you don't, and the suicidal person kills himself; if associates of this person find out that you knew, they could prosecute you for assisting in the person's suicide, I THINK, or so I fear. So that way it's like you have to report them or else you could go to jail.
I openly expressed my desire to commit suicide when I was in drug-addiction rehab 3 years ago. My roommate later said to me, "Just think of how badly that would hurt your mother and father. It would ruin their lives. Committing suicide is selfish." Now I agree that it would ruin my parents' lives as they love me so very dearly. People would be crushed and devastated. I get that. But then there are some people who actually react with anger and resentment upon the person who committed suicide. The reaction would be more like, "Man, I'm so pissed off that you killed yourself! We were such good friends, and now I have to live the rest of my life without my best friend... thanks a lot, asshole! You made a horrible decision by killing yourself! Now everybody hates you and cries every day!" My psychology teacher said something like that. And they all have to be pro-lifers, by law I guess. That's why I can't see a psychologist in private practice or a therapist because I can not fully discuss suicide without threat of persecution. I've been hospitalized and stripped completely of my freedom more than once just for explaining how I wanted to commit suicide and would do so given the right opportunity. So much for "honesty being the best policy" ...I'll never make that mistake again. Certain information, in general is just better off not to be put in the wrong hands. And there most definitely are a lot of filthy hands feeling around out there...
I wanted to just divert onto another tangent for a second and bring up the whole 'calling the suicide hotline when you feel like committing suicide'. Also, if you express the intent to commit suicide to a therapist or doctor and they ask, "Do you have a plan?" If you say "yes" then they must take action and stop you, but my thoughts on these two situations is, that it's just paradoxical. You don't want to kill yourself if you call the suicide hotline. If you did, you wouldn't be trying to stop yourself by calling someone to talk you out of it. If you tell your doctor that you have a plan to commit suicide and you know he will stop you, then you know your plan is foiled because you have foiled your own plan, which was actually your plan. I mean, whatever, I guess I get it; some people just really aren't sure yet if they want to commit suicide, maybe they are scared by it, and so they want to reach out to see if somebody can intervene and give them hope. That isn't a true suicidalist, that is just someone who dips their toe into the cold pool and hopes that there might be a way to avoid falling in. I did that once, I let the happy people pull me away from the pool. But soon after we started walking away, their arms around me protectively, I turned around to see the pool getting farther and farther away, now wishing I could break out of their arms, run back and jump into the pool. But they were all like "gotcha!" and I had to play around in their little trap for a while.
Hope you followed along with that metaphor. Hope it was a good metaphor. I don't know, I tried.
Anyway, back to the selfishness. Obviously, my life comes first. After all, I'm the one who's living it. Why would I stick around just to make other people happy while I myself am suffering, or rather, for me, am at the point where I know that suicide is actually in my best interest? I have experienced enough of life and in foresight have come to what I confidently consider to be the realistic realization that suicide will satisfy me best. This isn't just an impulse desperation for me to escape. This is a plan, just as someone would plan or aim towards a certain career or degree. I'm following my path, my dream. But I can never tell anyone.
I want to see this through their eyes, through the eyes of a pro-lifer who takes the "selfishness" approach as I've described. I'm tired of having my own way of thinking about it.
Now having decided that this is ultimately what I want to do, I have to be even more obstructed in my interactions with others, which causes some resentment for me in that more of what I say can lead to suspicion. For example, when talking casually about what career I aim for, I just have to make something up. I have to make up all these aspirations, misleading everyone and basically describing my life as a lie. Well, I'm learning how to best approach that constructively anyway. I do not want to despise the pro-lifers, it's just that they are really interfering with my sense of autonomy a bit, I think. I'm thinking, I'm trying, to see things through my mother's eyes, but I don't even know if that's really possible. I have this intuition that I know exactly what I want and what is best for me. And it sure ain't no god damn life up in this bitch.
I always start these posts when I'm in a bit of a rush and don't allow myself a lot of time... I promise my thoughts are more mature than this though! I was just so eager to put something out there! I'm working on all of this. But basically, this is my opinion for now! Just wanted to vent it somewhere for starters! Okay gotta run! BBL HOMIES!!!
In school, rehab, and society in general, the attitude at large of suicide is, Do not keep suicidal thoughts a secret. Report someone if they are showing signs of suicidality. Get them help because something is wrong with them if they don't want to live. Suicide just isn't an option. And people feel obligated to report somebody who they know is suicidal because if you don't, and the suicidal person kills himself; if associates of this person find out that you knew, they could prosecute you for assisting in the person's suicide, I THINK, or so I fear. So that way it's like you have to report them or else you could go to jail.
I openly expressed my desire to commit suicide when I was in drug-addiction rehab 3 years ago. My roommate later said to me, "Just think of how badly that would hurt your mother and father. It would ruin their lives. Committing suicide is selfish." Now I agree that it would ruin my parents' lives as they love me so very dearly. People would be crushed and devastated. I get that. But then there are some people who actually react with anger and resentment upon the person who committed suicide. The reaction would be more like, "Man, I'm so pissed off that you killed yourself! We were such good friends, and now I have to live the rest of my life without my best friend... thanks a lot, asshole! You made a horrible decision by killing yourself! Now everybody hates you and cries every day!" My psychology teacher said something like that. And they all have to be pro-lifers, by law I guess. That's why I can't see a psychologist in private practice or a therapist because I can not fully discuss suicide without threat of persecution. I've been hospitalized and stripped completely of my freedom more than once just for explaining how I wanted to commit suicide and would do so given the right opportunity. So much for "honesty being the best policy" ...I'll never make that mistake again. Certain information, in general is just better off not to be put in the wrong hands. And there most definitely are a lot of filthy hands feeling around out there...
I wanted to just divert onto another tangent for a second and bring up the whole 'calling the suicide hotline when you feel like committing suicide'. Also, if you express the intent to commit suicide to a therapist or doctor and they ask, "Do you have a plan?" If you say "yes" then they must take action and stop you, but my thoughts on these two situations is, that it's just paradoxical. You don't want to kill yourself if you call the suicide hotline. If you did, you wouldn't be trying to stop yourself by calling someone to talk you out of it. If you tell your doctor that you have a plan to commit suicide and you know he will stop you, then you know your plan is foiled because you have foiled your own plan, which was actually your plan. I mean, whatever, I guess I get it; some people just really aren't sure yet if they want to commit suicide, maybe they are scared by it, and so they want to reach out to see if somebody can intervene and give them hope. That isn't a true suicidalist, that is just someone who dips their toe into the cold pool and hopes that there might be a way to avoid falling in. I did that once, I let the happy people pull me away from the pool. But soon after we started walking away, their arms around me protectively, I turned around to see the pool getting farther and farther away, now wishing I could break out of their arms, run back and jump into the pool. But they were all like "gotcha!" and I had to play around in their little trap for a while.
Hope you followed along with that metaphor. Hope it was a good metaphor. I don't know, I tried.
Anyway, back to the selfishness. Obviously, my life comes first. After all, I'm the one who's living it. Why would I stick around just to make other people happy while I myself am suffering, or rather, for me, am at the point where I know that suicide is actually in my best interest? I have experienced enough of life and in foresight have come to what I confidently consider to be the realistic realization that suicide will satisfy me best. This isn't just an impulse desperation for me to escape. This is a plan, just as someone would plan or aim towards a certain career or degree. I'm following my path, my dream. But I can never tell anyone.
I want to see this through their eyes, through the eyes of a pro-lifer who takes the "selfishness" approach as I've described. I'm tired of having my own way of thinking about it.
Now having decided that this is ultimately what I want to do, I have to be even more obstructed in my interactions with others, which causes some resentment for me in that more of what I say can lead to suspicion. For example, when talking casually about what career I aim for, I just have to make something up. I have to make up all these aspirations, misleading everyone and basically describing my life as a lie. Well, I'm learning how to best approach that constructively anyway. I do not want to despise the pro-lifers, it's just that they are really interfering with my sense of autonomy a bit, I think. I'm thinking, I'm trying, to see things through my mother's eyes, but I don't even know if that's really possible. I have this intuition that I know exactly what I want and what is best for me. And it sure ain't no god damn life up in this bitch.
I always start these posts when I'm in a bit of a rush and don't allow myself a lot of time... I promise my thoughts are more mature than this though! I was just so eager to put something out there! I'm working on all of this. But basically, this is my opinion for now! Just wanted to vent it somewhere for starters! Okay gotta run! BBL HOMIES!!!
