I've been seriously screwed up for a long time. I remember exactly when my symptoms first started. November of 2018. Senior year of high school. Off and on serious depression, anxiety, anger, complete inability to control my emotions, alternating insecurity and overconfidence, motivation and dis-motivation, and hopelessness. Periods of being intensely suicidal and an involuntary hospital stay (which I convinced my family was a miscommunication). I've either withdrew from or destroyed my relationship with nearly everyone I've loved. All my childhood friends, my ex girlfriend, my college friends (who were like family to me). I quit my college sports, changed schools, moved 3000 miles away, and live alone. I only stay in contact with my immediate family and my lifelong best friend, and that's entirely because they go out of their way to reach me. I have no other friends. Any social interaction gives me incredible anxiety, and can even leave me bedridden.
And this all started in November of 2018. When I was 17, and first considered suicide. Out of the blue. My life was smooth sailing before it. I don't know what disorder I have, or if there's even a name for it. All I know is that I am not functioning. My life consists of no joy. I work, and study. What I look forward to is my quiet walk to work or school. Observing the quiet nature around me. And watching Netflix alone in my room. I have one meaningful social interaction a week, when my mom calls me.
My family doesn't know anything is wrong. Once, I accidentally said too much. I let it slip that during an episode of anxiety, I felt psychotic and considered jumping off a cliff near campus. My mom looked very upset, and I ended up taking it back (saying I "exaggerated"). I get along incredibly well with my family, but they are completely non-functioning. I am the glue that keeps them together. My brothers don't care, and can't wait to move out and leave my parents. My sister hates my parents. My dad is an alcoholic with anxiety problems, and no longer works. And my mother is miserable, and works tirelessly to keep everything afloat financially. I'm the only one who has a healthy relationship with everyone, and keeps everything together. I'm the cohesion. When I'm away, I'm convinced they don't even talk to each other. I am the life of my family.
If I die, my parents will never recover. They aren't even functioning now. It would kill them. And my siblings would leave and never return. It would be complete. I would have destroyed everything I've ever loved.
I want to at least try therapy, but it's incredibly expensive where I live. Its selfish, but I just want everyone to know I tried. I've been trying my absolute best. I want people to know that I sought out help before giving up. That I'm not the type to just give up. And someone to talk to couldn't hurt.
Unfortunately I don't have that type of money or motivation. My parents are mostly against psychiatry (even though my mother went on SSRI's for anxiety right after giving birth to me *Genetic Factor*). I'm convinced my mother passed to me my issues (not that I blame her). She told me that when I was a baby, she would frequently get intense panic attacks while up with me, which she described as a feeling of intense dread and doom. I figure that feeling was the universe telling her that I was that doom. That she knew subconsciously I was someday going to bring everyone around me intense pain and suffering.
Superficially, I have everything going for me. I am incredibly well-socialized. I am very talented at hiding my social anxiety and I can fit in perfect at any party or gathering. I am an incredible actor (I actually managed to convince my family that my hospital stay was a big, funny miscommunication. They believed me, and still laugh about it). I can give public speeches. But every social interaction takes a large chunk out of me, and they don't come back. I avoid them like the plague. I have so little to do, I spend my time studying. I have excellent grades in a hard major, and excellent test scores on practice law school exams. I could get into a good law school if I wanted. I've always been somewhat smart. I will graduate next year. I can get a high paying job. I am probably at least averagely attractive. I work out most days. I have an extremely regimented lifestyle, partially due to my anxiety, and as a result I eat incredibly healthy. I go to a good school. - I have everything going for me.
So what.
I'll just end up exactly the same way I am now. Just with more money. I am incapable of maintaining friendships. It takes so much energy. I will also never be able to maintain a functioning relationship. My last one ended disastrously, and it was entirely my fault. And I'm worse now than I was then. I'll never be able to have a family of my own. One day my parents will die, and then I'll be truly alone. I don't see a future. I'm in a way already dead. There are no drugs which can fix this. It's been almost 4 years. That's 20% of my life. I'm 21. Being 22 scares the crap out of me. Every day the clock is ticking. I want nothing more than to stop the clock.
Its hopeless. I am fighting it so hard. I force myself to do things I find extremely uncomfortable, every single day. And every step forward I take, I get pushed three steps backwards. I've been drowning for four years.
I want out. I want out violently. Something that doesn't make me look like a coward, but like someone who has been holding what feels like the weight of the world up for a long time.
And this all started in November of 2018. When I was 17, and first considered suicide. Out of the blue. My life was smooth sailing before it. I don't know what disorder I have, or if there's even a name for it. All I know is that I am not functioning. My life consists of no joy. I work, and study. What I look forward to is my quiet walk to work or school. Observing the quiet nature around me. And watching Netflix alone in my room. I have one meaningful social interaction a week, when my mom calls me.
My family doesn't know anything is wrong. Once, I accidentally said too much. I let it slip that during an episode of anxiety, I felt psychotic and considered jumping off a cliff near campus. My mom looked very upset, and I ended up taking it back (saying I "exaggerated"). I get along incredibly well with my family, but they are completely non-functioning. I am the glue that keeps them together. My brothers don't care, and can't wait to move out and leave my parents. My sister hates my parents. My dad is an alcoholic with anxiety problems, and no longer works. And my mother is miserable, and works tirelessly to keep everything afloat financially. I'm the only one who has a healthy relationship with everyone, and keeps everything together. I'm the cohesion. When I'm away, I'm convinced they don't even talk to each other. I am the life of my family.
If I die, my parents will never recover. They aren't even functioning now. It would kill them. And my siblings would leave and never return. It would be complete. I would have destroyed everything I've ever loved.
I want to at least try therapy, but it's incredibly expensive where I live. Its selfish, but I just want everyone to know I tried. I've been trying my absolute best. I want people to know that I sought out help before giving up. That I'm not the type to just give up. And someone to talk to couldn't hurt.
Unfortunately I don't have that type of money or motivation. My parents are mostly against psychiatry (even though my mother went on SSRI's for anxiety right after giving birth to me *Genetic Factor*). I'm convinced my mother passed to me my issues (not that I blame her). She told me that when I was a baby, she would frequently get intense panic attacks while up with me, which she described as a feeling of intense dread and doom. I figure that feeling was the universe telling her that I was that doom. That she knew subconsciously I was someday going to bring everyone around me intense pain and suffering.
Superficially, I have everything going for me. I am incredibly well-socialized. I am very talented at hiding my social anxiety and I can fit in perfect at any party or gathering. I am an incredible actor (I actually managed to convince my family that my hospital stay was a big, funny miscommunication. They believed me, and still laugh about it). I can give public speeches. But every social interaction takes a large chunk out of me, and they don't come back. I avoid them like the plague. I have so little to do, I spend my time studying. I have excellent grades in a hard major, and excellent test scores on practice law school exams. I could get into a good law school if I wanted. I've always been somewhat smart. I will graduate next year. I can get a high paying job. I am probably at least averagely attractive. I work out most days. I have an extremely regimented lifestyle, partially due to my anxiety, and as a result I eat incredibly healthy. I go to a good school. - I have everything going for me.
So what.
I'll just end up exactly the same way I am now. Just with more money. I am incapable of maintaining friendships. It takes so much energy. I will also never be able to maintain a functioning relationship. My last one ended disastrously, and it was entirely my fault. And I'm worse now than I was then. I'll never be able to have a family of my own. One day my parents will die, and then I'll be truly alone. I don't see a future. I'm in a way already dead. There are no drugs which can fix this. It's been almost 4 years. That's 20% of my life. I'm 21. Being 22 scares the crap out of me. Every day the clock is ticking. I want nothing more than to stop the clock.
Its hopeless. I am fighting it so hard. I force myself to do things I find extremely uncomfortable, every single day. And every step forward I take, I get pushed three steps backwards. I've been drowning for four years.
I want out. I want out violently. Something that doesn't make me look like a coward, but like someone who has been holding what feels like the weight of the world up for a long time.
