Help A question to people who participate in self-harm

[CarbonBased]

I've been suicidal for years, but personally I never really had any sh urges for whatever reason (except maybe for minor ones?) Because of that I have always been curious about how it's like for people. I guess the most general question I could ask is why do you do it at all? Does it bring you some kind of psychological relief?

I was also wondering about what kind of pain you seek and why. I guess cutting and burns are common, but there are so many other ways people experience pain. You can have stomach/head ache, you can feel sore, you can feel pain when stretching, you can eat spicy food, you can feel your muscles ache when exercising, etc. Really, it's impressive how many ways to suffer nature has in stock for us. I'm pretty sure there is a good reason why you choose cutting, I just don't understand what it is.

I was also thinking about how human pain is studied academically. For ethical reasons the scientists can't cause you damage, so they have come up with ways of causing pain that don't leave permanent marks. One of the common ones is submerging your hand into ice-cold water and holding it in there for a couple minutes. It's technically not impossible to cause yourself some kind of lasting damage with this, but it is very unlikely. It's also very accessible and doesn't leave marks. Why not do that instead?

I hope you don't take my questions in bad faith. I don't judge anyone here and I'm just genuinely trying to understand how it all works. Thank you!

 

[neurotic]

For me, it started as a way to stay up late. My life was traumatic morning to sundown, I really couldn't leave my room, but at night, I could be myself in peace. So I wanted to live there longer. The pain kept me awake.

Then it turned into a drug. The cut would activate something deep inside me, awareness, energy, grounding. Whenever I felt lost, I would always feel the burning sensation that kept me present. I genuinely miss it and have considered doing it again, it's literally a drug, but I feel I'd lose all the progress I've made just doing it once.

I think for me the constant burning was my absolute obsession and love for it. During hot showers when it'd hit the cuts, I'd get butterflies. It's really crazy haha, it was an escape and grounding I didn't have in life, it correlated to safety. It's why I even stopped using blades and just started using dull nails (Yeah I know, definitely some messed up reasons there), pens, and keys. I wanted the deep, burning scratch, not necessarily scars or sharp cuts. You can't really get that kind of sensation or convenience with anything else.

I honestly don't like talking about it (Not that you asked bad question!!), just because I feel if I shed any positivity on it, it encourages someone to try it. It's a drug. It's temporary relief for a shitty situation. It just makes things worse.

Now I do things like shaving, skating, driving, music, and other healthy activities. I'm also trans now, and I love wearing revealing clothes! I couldn't really do it if I was self harming like I was!

Also I love your question! It's very thoughtful. Thank you for letting me express myself to you, I hope it answered at least a part of your question!

 

[CarbonBased]

For me, it started as a way to stay up late. My life was traumatic morning to sundown, I really couldn't leave my room, but at night, I could be myself in peace. So I wanted to live there longer. The pain kept me awake.

Then it turned into a drug. The cut would activate something deep inside me, awareness, energy, grounding. Whenever I felt lost, I would always feel the burning sensation that kept me present. I genuinely miss it and have considered doing it again, it's literally a drug, but I feel I'd lose all the progress I've made just doing it once.

I think for me the constant burning was my absolute obsession and love for it. During hot showers when it'd hit the cuts, I'd get butterflies. It's really crazy haha, it was an escape and grounding I didn't have in life, it correlated to safety. It's why I even stopped using blades and just started using dull nails (Yeah I know, definitely some messed up reasons there), pens, and keys. I wanted the deep, burning scratch, not necessarily scars or sharp cuts. You can't really get that kind of sensation or convenience with anything else.

I honestly don't like talking about it (Not that you asked bad question!!), just because I feel if I shed any positivity on it, it encourages someone to try it. It's a drug. It's temporary relief for a shitty situation. It just makes things worse.

Now I do things like shaving, skating, driving, music, and other healthy activities. I'm also trans now, and I love wearing revealing clothes! I couldn't really do it if I was self harming like I was!

Also I love your question! It's very thoughtful. Thank you for letting me express myself to you, I hope it answered at least a part of your question!

Thank you so much for approaching my question with such kindness and understanding! I couldn't have asked for more, really. I'm also glad you're doing better now and that you were able to accept your true self ^^

 

[kilowatt]

Does it bring you some kind of psychological relief?

It feels euphoric in a way, it's also a snap back into reality when enduring a panic attack or heavy breakdown. It's obviously an adrenaline rush, therefore providing both mental and physical relief.
The aftercare also does it for me. It's very pleasing to have something to care for and look after, even if it's a wound. The sort of thrill it's hard to put into words.

One of the common ones is submerging your hand into ice-cold water and holding it in there for a couple minutes. It's technically not impossible to cause yourself some kind of lasting damage with this, but it is very unlikely. It's also very accessible and doesn't leave marks. Why not do that instead?

Probably convenience. A lot of self harm related activities come as strong urges. I believe outlets for such we tend to associate with some form of violence. It's also hard to feel satisfied without visible marks. Individuals often only feel valid if their internal turmoil becomes a physical imprint.

 

[diospyros.kaki]

relief. distraction. curiosity (i like to see the blood and how easily the skin just... opens up). for me, it's not satisfying if i don't see blood (the more, the better). at this point in life i don't want visible sh scars so i've been using needles or cutting in places and ways that i can just excuse as an accident or easily hide if needed.

 

[FoolsExpedition]

it felt like i had control over something in my life for once and it made me feel powerful and sorta euphoric.

i also have chronic pain so the pain from self harming felt "good" because in a sense it was something different to what i was constantly feeling

 

[coolcow1289]

It brings psychological relief. It floods the body with endorphins and distracts from other psychological pain. It temporarily replaces psychological suffering with physical suffering

I've never cut myself or anything like that but I used to starve myself. I gaslit myself into believing it was just "fasting" but I would go weeks without any food. It caused all sorts of medical issues, some of which I still struggle with over a year later.

But I loved it. I felt calm and focused and much less pain when I was "fasting". But now I have both physical AND psychological issues as a result.

 

[hurts2b]

Everyone is different but in my case I cut myself.

Does it bring me relief?

Yes, at least some of the time. It can help me clear my mind. The main emotion it helps me deal with is rage. It doesn't always make things better though and it often stops working as a coping mechanism after a while.

So. Why do cut instead of some other method?

Well, there's something very mentally satisfying about seeing blood. You also get the opportunity to bandage your skin. It's a roundabout way to care for yourself.

Another thing about cutting: the pain is realitively mild and easy to predict. Headaches, for example, can last for hours and how much they hurt is veriable. Whereas with cutting the pain tends to subside pretty fast. And it's also consistent. You can expect the same results every time.

What about the marks?

I don't love them. But I started this habit at 14 years old before I had a concept of permanence. I just. Couldn't really find it in me to care. I hate my scars now but treatment options are limited. I can't change what I did back then. And so I don't really see the point in stopping now that I'm already covered in marks. Like. No matter what I do. I'm going to have scars across my body. Adding a few dozen more here and there doesn't really change anything.

 

[LRkin]

For me it's the feeling of control, some sort of relief, distraction and punishment at the same time. Like... You don't usually get to harm other people, so it's easier to harm yourself instead. Especially when you feel like you deserved it. First of all, it distracts you from psychological pain. And there's also an element of fascination. Seeing blood or bruises is satisfying. I started with cutting myself, but I stopped when I realised that people may actually notice marks on my skin. I started to use rubber bands instead. It stings when you hit yourself with it and it leaves bruises.

However, I wouldn't recommend sh, as it grows into addiction.

 

[FoxSauce]

Well the best way I can explain that is in my case, it helps to relieve some of the intense emotions I feel, when I do something wrong too, I sh.

When I'm more depressed is more likely I'll sh

Idk seeing blood is like idk just helps?
The bad sad is once you start is really really hard to stop. It feels like a drug like something you need. I dont recommend burning it didnt work for me.

I havent stopped completely I relapsed (but didnt bleed) also somettimes when their healing they itch a bit (putting that out there)

I hope that answers your question.

 

[buriedinmyhead]

It lets me see that my pain is real on the outside as well

 

[SweetSunflower]

i have done sh for multiple different reasons
1) To Feel Alive
ive been so numb, emotionless and just working like a machine with no thoughts at times, making me depressed, spiral further into much more loneliness to a point where even getting out of bed feels pointless, eating feels pointless, everything seems like a massive task ive to achieve to get by, I did sh at moments like these to make myself feel something

2) Intolerable Emotional Pain
Pretty much what it says, at times the burden of responsibilities, tasks, anger, depression has hit limits where i just cant frickin process, i cant do anything, id feel a massive sinkhole in my stomach, as if something inside my stomach is pulling everything in and i can barely breathe, i used to cut myself to distract my mind to physical pain

Also for your question about exercising, feeling sore or any different kind of pain, i feel like there is a massive difference on the type of pain that they induce compared to the cutting,
i use to powerlift at some point in time, i never really felt any pain but more like some struggle i have to get through, ive had multiple fractures, but these are all "annoying" types of pain,
me cutting myself, its like a drug, that i can just take and totally feel myself without it being a side activity i dont know how to say this in words but its weirdly like a feeling of having the control over the pain, the amount i want to induce and a massive sense of relief from everything that covers my head

 

[dianxia]

Hi, I personally do it because it feels good! I get a rush of adrenaline and afterwards I feel very calm. I guess i could compare it to a post-orgasm haze. It helps when I feel empty or when I'm overwhelmed because I have too many thoughts in my head, my brain can focus on the physical pain instead.

 

[dragonofenvy]

It gives me a way to feel in control, and to prove to myself that I'm not a pussy. I would not recommend it.

 

[X-sanguinate86]

I just felt like punishing myself for my failure and weakness. It took many forms, including cutting.

 

[Scythe]

I hate my body, I just want to break it apart and tear it to pieces. Also, sometimes I want to punish myself. I only cut, I hate heat related stuff, I would be electrocuting myself if I have a shock collar but I'm not able to risk someone finding it. I do also hit myself, like punch my abodmen or leg, or slam my head into a wall, but those are generally done because I'm having an episode and it makes me feel better. Pain is a good distraction.

I don't use the ice method because it's annoying and honestly wouldn't cause much pain for me due to how resistant I am to cold. Also never thought of it.

Also agree with post above, there' pain that's plain annoying, sickness is usually annoying, it physically disables my movements. Not necessarily the pain, just pain from sickness usually means I also feel weaker. Blade wound pain is a fun distraction and it just never hurt too bad, I never went too deep.

 

[Custos]

I cut because I want to harm myself, not to feel pain, in fact I don't really feel much. I also like blood. Getting past the need to sh, haven't in about a year.

 

[dannyilyy]

It's an insanely euphoric experience to me. I love how the scars look on me, and it's also a type of stinging pain that I don't get any other way, like a headache or a sore tooth. I find bruising myself or burns to feel even more pleasurable. I think a lot of people also underestimate how good over exercising feels in terms of sore-ness. Many don't see it as a form of self-harm, though.

 

[Alcoholic Teletubby]

For me, it stems from frustration and a desire for relief. My experiences from an early age led me to develop a revenge-oriented mindset; I had a strong desire to retaliate against those who caused me turmoil. At times, I wanted to hurt others. I still do. But where would that lead me other than to being incarnated?

So, what's the solution?

I end up hurting myself instead. It's easier to do that; I don't have to fight against it. Blaming myself for my own shortcomings gives me a sense of "resolution."

 

[heal]

For me, I wanted to prove a point to all of the doctors that would diminish my feelings and the experiences I was going through. I was often told that I didn't seem depressed, and that there would be more obvious signs if I truly was. I learned to mask the distress I felt because expressing it only ever served to push people away. It wasn't something I could access anymore, and I felt like I was being punished for having learned to self-regulate.

I deal with a lot of self-doubt from having so many of my experiences minimized throughout my life, so pushing myself so far as cutting gives me a sense of confirmation and relief. Perhaps that part is just retroactive justification however. It also gives me a rush, which has been grounding for when I am dissassociating and feel disconnected from the world.

 

[Lost Impact]

I actually started from peer pressure from my really old friendgroup as a teen who said I wasn't really "one of them" if I didn't cut. And then... here I am still doing it when they've all probably long since stopped doing it. For me, I keep doing it for a multitude of reasons. To get out all the rage I feel inside, to destroy this ugly, disgusting body and disfigure it more, to feel better. I close my eyes and just go complete ham on myself. I use it to release that pain, and sometimes I use it to distract from other physical pains. I like the scars and how they can look, I like watching the blood drip. I heal fast (which is frustrating) so I never apply first-aid, ever (don't do this, smarter people than I will tell you always, always apply first-aid and to be smart about where you cut and things like that). I use different kinds of blades for different effects and sometimes all at once. I don't feel real or like I exist at all, but I can't say I do it to feel any sense of reality or to ground myself. I just need an outlet for the rot inside of me and I need it to bleed out and coagulate.

 

[Lamentice]

Relief and control like others have said. It really does relieve overwhelming emotions and reclaim your control over yourself, and you get to experience this for as long as it's healing because the lingering soreness & swelling continue to be an outlet until everything heals.

I was clean on self harm for 2 years until a few weeks ago, it felt like after 2 years of 0 control and just compounding upon compounding of shit I finally relcaimed control over my body and environment by relapsing. And the peace lingered.

I know this is a question to people who cut and I never really connected with cutting even though I tried, my method of self harm did/does absolutely cause damage though.

 

[justasmalltowngirl6]

it brings me relief seeing myself so injured and bloodied. i'm not a fan of the scarring but in the moment i'm not thinking about that. i just want a release from the pain.

 

[SadB0iHour]

it's like an immediate off-switch for a spiral or a panic attack or when the feelings get too big to hide. induces dissociation. makes me functional. before i got married I'd use any bladed edge (scissors, blades from pencil sharpeners, exacto knives, etc.) and mostly cut my thighs or stomach so they could be hidden by clothes. now I don't have that option so i have to be smarter about it. make it look accidental. mostly burns. cigarettes, hot oven racks, hot oil, picking at healing wounds. I wish dunking my hand in ice water worked. nothing but actual physical damage does.

 

[JustADeerGirl]

For me it's a plethora of things
The adrenaline rush, the scars, self-hatred, the blood

The adrenaline rush is self-explanatory, the scars are pretty and I find them and the circumstances of them beautiful, self-hatred because I hate my body due to gender dysphoria, and the blood because I have a thing for it

 

[aspenjrojas]

i'm honestly not sure but i feel as though i've been destined for this since i was a kid. when i used to get hurt on accident i would absolutely love it. i used to wish that i would break my arm or leg or fall on sharp rocks and bleed out in pain. in elementary school i used to take red markers and draw cuts onto myself, and in middle school that became makeup. i know that sounds attention seeking at first but i didn't show anyone it, i would just make intricate fake cuts and bruises onto myself legs or arms then wash it off in the shower. but then i got annoyed that it wasn't permanent. then one day i was shaving and i accidentally cut myself and then i was like woah. i could just do that but on purpose. and so then i would use my face razor all throughout high school to make cuts onto my body, and that just kind of continued. i loved the scars and the feeling of being in pain, and it was almost euphoric in a way, being able to inflict that sharp pain onto yourself then have it last and linger, and make permanent marks like a drawing on a canvas that is your skin. i never had a phase where i was like 'my scars are ugly and disgusting'. i've always loved them and how they looked, even if i knew i had to hide them at points because of society.

 

[surface]

I've been suicidal for years, but personally I never really had any sh urges for whatever reason (except maybe for minor ones?) Because of that I have always been curious about how it's like for people. I guess the most general question I could ask is why do you do it at all? Does it bring you some kind of psychological relief?

I was also wondering about what kind of pain you seek and why. I guess cutting and burns are common, but there are so many other ways people experience pain. You can have stomach/head ache, you can feel sore, you can feel pain when stretching, you can eat spicy food, you can feel your muscles ache when exercising, etc. Really, it's impressive how many ways to suffer nature has in stock for us. I'm pretty sure there is a good reason why you choose cutting, I just don't understand what it is.

I was also thinking about how human pain is studied academically. For ethical reasons the scientists can't cause you damage, so they have come up with ways of causing pain that don't leave permanent marks. One of the common ones is submerging your hand into ice-cold water and holding it in there for a couple minutes. It's technically not impossible to cause yourself some kind of lasting damage with this, but it is very unlikely. It's also very accessible and doesn't leave marks. Why not do that instead?

I hope you don't take my questions in bad faith. I don't judge anyone here and I'm just genuinely trying to understand how it all works. Thank you!

To feel something mostly. I am a surprisingly stoic person and I don't feel things as deeply as others both emotionally and physically. I don't feel loneliness and and love like most people do and the same happens with me physically all the pain I feel is barely there. I remember one time in high school my friends were so surprised to know that I feel little amount of pain, one of them punched me in the stomach (with my consent) they probably went easy on me but I didn't feel anything and there was no reaction from me either. My skin splits really easily and even with very deep and wide cuts I don't feel much.

So, the answer really is that I want to feel something

You also get the opportunity to bandage your skin. It's a roundabout way to care for yourself.

and this really

 

[orangecrush]

for me it started as way to inflict pain on myself because i hated myself. it became a punishment for my "bad" behavior. over the years it stopped being emotional and became automatic. i dissociate enough that i don't even feel it anymore. now i just do it so i have proof that i am actually suffering, and it has become a compulsion that i need to do in order to feel like im a morally just person. i have never felt the euphoric high that some people talk about, and i wonder why that is, maybe i have enough anxiety about hurting myself too far that it cancels out.

it's also really competitive like ed's. it will never feel like "enough." once you're clean for a bit that's when it REALLY gets in your head. it's also really, really dumb, very easy to get in a situation where you need to go to the ER and out yourself as being at risk. please never do it.

 

[amnesia999]

I'd read about SH but never tried it, so I decided to even tho I'm in my early 60s. I've started and stopped (using a kitchen knife to slice my upper arm so that it's covered by my shirt sleeve) and currently I'm doing it. My therapist knows and doesn't like it.

It not only gives a sensation of pain, it also makes me feel an immediate rush down to the soles of my feet. It's almost as if I've used a drug due to the endorphins. It's a stress reliever, I guess.

In order to stop, I've been thinking about getting cannabis in some form or another, probably Cann drinks. We'll see, that stuff's expensive. (Marijuana is legal where I live but for some reason I haven't used any since they legalized it.) Replace the endorphin rush with a THC rush.