Discussion A Part of Me Is Afraid of Recovery

[Celerity]

Having lived for so many years like this, it is so hard to picture a life worth living. All I can imagine are your standard tropes - a good job, stability, a house, marriage, 2.5 kids, a goldendoodle puppy, an herb garden, learning how to paint, weekly beer yoga, travelling to Disney for the 2.5 kiddos, etc. None of it really feels like me.

And then I think of all the hard work it would take to get there, and I feel dread start to creep in. I know I'm not better off this way, dangling on the edge of a cliff in perpetuity, but it is all I have known, and there is something to be said for the comfort of inertia.

The only thing that keeps me going are my past successes, few as they are. Each one was hard-earned and difficult to keep until one day it wasn't and good ol' inertia took over again.

Maybe it's just a pervasive sense of dread no matter what. I dread the future in my current path, and I dread the future when I try to imagine it as better.

Not sure what my intentions were with this post, but maybe you all have some suggestions to cope? Or maybe you can just commiserate? There's a cold, lonely feeling in my chest right now.

 

[mallows]

I understand this more than anything I've ever read on this site. I could imagine a life for myself, but it doesn't feel like something achievable. Not without putting in the effort I simply don't have the mental capacity to give. You're not alone.

 

[Celerity]

I understand this more than anything I've ever read on this site. I could imagine a life for myself, but it doesn't feel like something achievable. Not without putting in the effort I simply don't have the mental capacity to give. You're not alone.

That's a big part of it - the fatigue. I had a lot of energy when I was younger. Much of it was destructive, but it came in handy when I needed to push myself to do something. My motivation now takes longer to mobilize, but at least it is more consistent. I have that at least.

 

[Dot]

Having lived for so many years like this, it is so hard to picture a life worth living. All I can imagine are your standard tropes - a good job, stability, a house, marriage, 2.5 kids, a goldendoodle puppy, an herb garden, learning how to paint, weekly beer yoga, travelling to Disney for the 2.5 kiddos, etc. None of it really feels like me.

And then I think of all the hard work it would take to get there, and I feel dread start to creep in. I know I'm not better off this way, dangling on the edge of a cliff in perpetuity, but it is all I have known, and there is something to be said for the comfort of inertia.

The only thing that keeps me going are my past successes, few as they are. Each one was hard-earned and difficult to keep until one day it wasn't and good ol' inertia took over again.

Maybe it's just a pervasive sense of dread no matter what. I dread the future in my current path, and I dread the future when I try to imagine it as better.

Not sure what my intentions were with this post, but maybe you all have some suggestions to cope? Or maybe you can just commiserate? There's a cold, lonely feeling in my chest right now.

Lts of thngs tht u r dscribng abt recvry r xternl goals whch oftn cme frm scietl xpectatns

Wht wld recvry lk lke on th/ insde

 

[Celerity]

Lts of thngs tht u r dscribng abt recvry r xternl goals whch oftn cme frm scietl xpectatns

Wht wld recvry lk lke on th/ insde

• Contentment but with a desire to do better still
• Genuine self-esteem
• Financial security (maybe an external goal technically, but it's very important to me)
• Being able to keep an intimate romantic relationship
• Having fulfilling friendships with good people
• Getting my creative spark back so that I can write from the heart again
• Being comfortable with my body and less self-conscious

 

[Kimlett]

I totally get it. I honestly would like to have a "normal" life (but no kids), but it's simply not possible. My brain won't allow it. Maybe you will be able to have a life you like somehow, not perfect but simple and nice. I wish that for you and I hope you feel warmer soon.

 

[Redacted24]

I guess the question is really: is the status quo satisfactory.
If it is, change nothing.
If there's more to be had, go and get it.
Concur that there's effort and risk associated with trying... people that don't do anything are at no risk of trying and falling.
The standard tropes you describe are nauseating to me too. Ugh.
But there are alternatives: become a professional drone pilot and provide aerial footage of surfing competitions in the Pacific. Become the NHL escort for Lord Stanley's cup.
Both are real jobs.
You get the idea.
Want to travel? Like to read? Prefer doing puzzles? You'll eventually meet someone compatible. Who knows where you'll end up?
Volunteering is a great way to try out different things with little long term commitment.
Just a thought...

 

[SecretDissociation]

I try not to think about how I would be if I am then fully recovered. I just try to think in the moment. Like, has my mood improved today, do I feel different? etc. When I think about how "normal" would feel I just don't see anything and lose hope or get scared of both quitting recovery and going forward with recovery.
Sometimes I feel like I will always be in the state of recovery, like I will never truly improved. As it is now that is how I feel...
But yeah, it is very uncertain and you should look in the now because the future is always uncertain

 

[Dot]

• Contentment but with a desire to do better still
• Genuine self-esteem
• Financial security (maybe an external goal technically, but it's very important to me)
• Being able to keep an intimate romantic relationship
• Having fulfilling friendships with good people
• Getting my creative spark back so that I can write from the heart again
• Being comfortable with my body and less self-conscious

Thy snd lke sme gd goals - & hpeflly lss frghtnng t/ wrk 2wrds

 

[SexyIncél]

For me, there's 3 steps:

1. promortalism: This world is a hell dimension. Where many creatures must tear others apart or die of hunger
2. leftism: Theories that help you understand reality & possibilities, and build alternatives
3. rightwing: Operate effectively in this hell dimension

That's it. Then the trick is to find the best people in each tradition that somehow aligns with reality & my inner nature/desires

But I'm likely to die by adventure, so

Not sure what my intentions were with this post, but maybe you all have some suggestions to cope? Or maybe you can just commiserate? There's a cold, lonely feeling in my chest right now.

Thoughtful conversations with someone may boost your cognition. And find purpose

 

[Forever Sleep]

Yes, I completely relate to this. Although- my aims were never really the standard ones you described. I guess I always wanted a partner but the average family life never appealed. So, to some extent, I rejected all that early on.

Instead, I put all my time and energy into a creative career. I've had mixed success with that but enough to also feel that it isn't really worth it! Maybe even my ideal job wouldn't make me happy. Realistically too- it's so difficult to achieve and sustain. I'm already tired of the sacrfices you have to make- constantly looking for work, moving all over the country to do it. Being exploited!

I agree- it's hard to feel motivated to work towards a goal when that goal doesn't seem worth it. Sorry- more of a commiseratory response rather than anything useful.