• If you haven't yet, we highly encourage you to check out our Recovery Resources thread!
  • Hello Guest,

    We will not be following or complying with the Online Safety Bill that was recently signed into law in the UK. This bill will not affect the operations of the site, nor do we have a presence in the UK to receive notice or fines that the UK Government may impose.

    We would highly recommend that all users from the UK get some sort of VPN, and you should petition your lawmakers to let them know how you feel about this piece of draconian legislation.


Sep 9, 2023
So I was seriously considering and planning CBT but was actually able to be a part of my siblings birthday celebrations last night and then woke up to a significantly large, back-dated disability payment. I was not notified that I was even being assessed, but between my application and whatever the GP said they have awarded me more than I was expecting which I am so grateful for. I am so glad someone has recognised how much this is affecting my life. I have paid off outstanding payments and rent, put a grand into paying off credit cards, finally could afford some bud, bought some shelves for my hall which I have wanted for months, I could buy my sibling a birthday cake and takeout with my money, start to pay back my dad, I was able to put money into my savings account for the first time this year, buy some crafting supplies so I can put my time and (limited) energy into a fun project, pay off my smaller overdraft, and still not even be in my main overdraft yet. This is the first day I have felt hope.

There are still a lot of things that are fucked and I have so little energy and motivation (but I don't want to go into those things here my last post explains that shit) so I don't know if I am able to fully commit to recovery yet but this is the first time in a long time that it has felt remotely possible. I at least feel like I am able to live, and start to mend at least one aspect of my life. I don't mind the fact that I will probably wake up tomorrow, I am excited for tomorrow because I get to build some shelves and decorate this depressing flat I am trapped in a little bit more. I get to stay in the house all day, get high, and do something that I have wanted to get done for so long now. I got an opportunity to make my life a little bit better today, and I feel like it is possible to do the same tomorrow. Everything outside of that still feels very overwhelming, so again I do not want to commit to recovery - I am still scared that everything is all about to get ripped away from me again so I don't feel like I can relax enough to start that journey fully. Going to bed I don't feel guilty for the concert tickets I have got and the memories I have the potential to ruin, because maybe I will actually live to be in those venues experiencing those nights with my family.

I don't know where to go from here because it is all still a shock right now.

I have managed to make a budget, move it all into the right places, and give myself a little spending money so I have felt accomplishment and relief tonight. Earlier today I was celebrating with my sibling and their bf (not anything major just chilling in the flat and ordering in), I was able to have a good time without worry, I didn't ruin their bday. Life really is a fucking rollercoaster, I am still just so scared this track is going to go severely downhill again. I am still cautious to feel good emotions just in case I get too comfortable, but for the rest of tonight (at least) I feel like I take a second to breathe and relax. Maybe the 3 day tolerance break was helpful too because my brain is so quiet right now, and I felt like I could focus for the first time this week. Today was successful and I didn't have an episode, tomorrow has possibility to also be good. This feels like a miracle, another chance, my life literally changed overnight.

I am mostly posting this for myself so I can read it later on and show myself that I am able to feel positive emotions (I have very B&W thinking and memory issues), so don't feel obliged to reply - I hope that tomorrow is a better day for you than today has been <3
  • Love
Reactions: Per Ardua Ad Astra