backtoearth
<3
- Sep 9, 2023
- 124
So I was seriously considering and planning CBT but was actually able to be a part of my siblings birthday celebrations last night and then woke up to a significantly large, back-dated disability payment. I was not notified that I was even being assessed, but between my application and whatever the GP said they have awarded me more than I was expecting which I am so grateful for. I am so glad someone has recognised how much this is affecting my life. I have paid off outstanding payments and rent, put a grand into paying off credit cards, finally could afford some bud, bought some shelves for my hall which I have wanted for months, I could buy my sibling a birthday cake and takeout with my money, start to pay back my dad, I was able to put money into my savings account for the first time this year, buy some crafting supplies so I can put my time and (limited) energy into a fun project, pay off my smaller overdraft, and still not even be in my main overdraft yet. This is the first day I have felt hope.
There are still a lot of things that are fucked and I have so little energy and motivation (but I don't want to go into those things here my last post explains that shit) so I don't know if I am able to fully commit to recovery yet but this is the first time in a long time that it has felt remotely possible. I at least feel like I am able to live, and start to mend at least one aspect of my life. I don't mind the fact that I will probably wake up tomorrow, I am excited for tomorrow because I get to build some shelves and decorate this depressing flat I am trapped in a little bit more. I get to stay in the house all day, get high, and do something that I have wanted to get done for so long now. I got an opportunity to make my life a little bit better today, and I feel like it is possible to do the same tomorrow. Everything outside of that still feels very overwhelming, so again I do not want to commit to recovery - I am still scared that everything is all about to get ripped away from me again so I don't feel like I can relax enough to start that journey fully. Going to bed I don't feel guilty for the concert tickets I have got and the memories I have the potential to ruin, because maybe I will actually live to be in those venues experiencing those nights with my family.
I don't know where to go from here because it is all still a shock right now.
I have managed to make a budget, move it all into the right places, and give myself a little spending money so I have felt accomplishment and relief tonight. Earlier today I was celebrating with my sibling and their bf (not anything major just chilling in the flat and ordering in), I was able to have a good time without worry, I didn't ruin their bday. Life really is a fucking rollercoaster, I am still just so scared this track is going to go severely downhill again. I am still cautious to feel good emotions just in case I get too comfortable, but for the rest of tonight (at least) I feel like I take a second to breathe and relax. Maybe the 3 day tolerance break was helpful too because my brain is so quiet right now, and I felt like I could focus for the first time this week. Today was successful and I didn't have an episode, tomorrow has possibility to also be good. This feels like a miracle, another chance, my life literally changed overnight.
I am mostly posting this for myself so I can read it later on and show myself that I am able to feel positive emotions (I have very B&W thinking and memory issues), so don't feel obliged to reply - I hope that tomorrow is a better day for you than today has been <3
There are still a lot of things that are fucked and I have so little energy and motivation (but I don't want to go into those things here my last post explains that shit) so I don't know if I am able to fully commit to recovery yet but this is the first time in a long time that it has felt remotely possible. I at least feel like I am able to live, and start to mend at least one aspect of my life. I don't mind the fact that I will probably wake up tomorrow, I am excited for tomorrow because I get to build some shelves and decorate this depressing flat I am trapped in a little bit more. I get to stay in the house all day, get high, and do something that I have wanted to get done for so long now. I got an opportunity to make my life a little bit better today, and I feel like it is possible to do the same tomorrow. Everything outside of that still feels very overwhelming, so again I do not want to commit to recovery - I am still scared that everything is all about to get ripped away from me again so I don't feel like I can relax enough to start that journey fully. Going to bed I don't feel guilty for the concert tickets I have got and the memories I have the potential to ruin, because maybe I will actually live to be in those venues experiencing those nights with my family.
I don't know where to go from here because it is all still a shock right now.
I have managed to make a budget, move it all into the right places, and give myself a little spending money so I have felt accomplishment and relief tonight. Earlier today I was celebrating with my sibling and their bf (not anything major just chilling in the flat and ordering in), I was able to have a good time without worry, I didn't ruin their bday. Life really is a fucking rollercoaster, I am still just so scared this track is going to go severely downhill again. I am still cautious to feel good emotions just in case I get too comfortable, but for the rest of tonight (at least) I feel like I take a second to breathe and relax. Maybe the 3 day tolerance break was helpful too because my brain is so quiet right now, and I felt like I could focus for the first time this week. Today was successful and I didn't have an episode, tomorrow has possibility to also be good. This feels like a miracle, another chance, my life literally changed overnight.
I am mostly posting this for myself so I can read it later on and show myself that I am able to feel positive emotions (I have very B&W thinking and memory issues), so don't feel obliged to reply - I hope that tomorrow is a better day for you than today has been <3
