Venting a lot of random thoughts

[catbunny]

Sometimes i think about being better, to recover and to live normally. I thought about trying hard in school. Learning a new language, cant be that hard right? Spanish, gosh its just like how i learn English, cant be that hard, i should try harder. I cant try harder because i dont want to do anything. I dont understand anything, how, why. I cant remember anything.

I want to be loved by someone. I want to feel safe and I want to hugged by someone and they will tell me that is ok, that i can cry and i dont have to buildup that hundred bricks wall around myself. Just like what i do to myself every single night when i was crying my eyes out begging god to take me away because i can not handle it anymore.

Sometimes I think that I want to be a furry and wear custom. It looks cute but the community doesn't suit me.

I want to have a lot of friends, to be kind and help people around when they need, to be the one they can rely on when they need. But at the same time, i hate everyone. I hate being around people. I want to be alone and die alone. I want people to forget me completely so i can die without them disrupting me.

I want to be a Vtuber.

I dont what is wrong with me, i dont want to know. Whats the point of knowng when it wont gonna help me anyway. At the end of the day, i will just laying in my bed and begging to die over and over again.

Again, I want to be hugged by someone. It has been so long since the last time someone actually hug me or when i feel happy to see someone. All i feel now is nothing. Nothing is matter if tomorrow i will just die isnt it?

I wish I had a better life.

I wish Im having a serious illness that is incurable. So then I have a right reason to quit my job, quit school and just stay at home, rotting in bed, counting my days to die. Maybe then I'll feel like life is worth it. I used to wish I have Covid and it will kill me. But it didn't. So that was disappointing.

What if i stop caring so much about everything and just jump off the bridge. Maybe I have the courage to do that then I could have go blad by now.

 

[bl33ding_heart]

If you think about getting better, even if it's a rare thought. That means you have some hope for yourself, and you should hold on to that hope and keep trying. I know it may feel pointless, but the possibility of you having a better life and improving is still there. There isn't really any reason to waste that opportunity. You can do whatever you wish of course, but just know that I believe in you even if you can't currently believe in yourself.