Venting A lot of doubt and gender dysphoria

[Heartaches]

For a couple of days I've been questioning my identity and how I'm perceived by the world. I don't feel in tune with my masculinity and my body. I'm drifting away.

I love masculinity, I love being trans despite how difficult it is. But I can never shake the feeling Im "not masculine enough", that I'm not "man enough". My surroundings don't help me much either. My friends are the only ones who make me feel validated and seen. I'm trying to make changes to be seen as more masculine, taking notes from butches and other trans men, but a part of me thinks I'm a lost cause.

My goal has never been to pass, I just don't want to get she/her'd all the time. I feel it's something that has been disrupting my life and made it harder for me to bond with people. If a cis guy or a gal is interested in me, I fear they're interested because they perceive me as a cis woman. I've had to cut relationships without a clear explanation because I don't wanna come out as trans to persons whose opinions about trans people I don't know. When I'm with other trans folks, I feel they're not interested in me outside of distant friendships. They tell me I'm a good-looking guy and that I'll find someone, but I don't know if they're being sincere or pity. My masculinity has been treated so weirdly in queer spaces I don't know what to think anymore.

I've avoided going to any sort of doctor for the most part because I'm afraid I won't receive the treatments I need if they know I'm a trans man, or they'll treat me badly. Obgyns especially scare me after having bad experiences pre-transition. I've had mixed experiences with therapists as well. Finding trans-friendly healthcare with someone you feel comfortable with is a long, grueling process.

I don't know how I'll go about going to college or finding a job. It's making me hopeless.

Lately I've been spending most of the time alone in my house, with my pets. Going out has become harder with time, urban overstimulation (sounds, lights, smells, textures, time) and gender dysphoria make it hard for me to feel at ease with the world and myself. Change takes time and I'm afraid I'll never make it. I don't know where to find hope or strength. I'm living, but dissociated to cope with the hardships. I wish I could go to sleep and wake up looking more masc than ever, not afraid of anything in life. I wish.​

 

[Sadsadsad0000]

I feel you. Especially with the part about being scared just to leave the house. Sometimes life is too difficult. I can even relate the the part about being scared to transition because of doctors or finding a job. At my lowest point, I was lucky enough to get on HRT and over the course of a few months, I built up enough confidence to get my first job. I was really happy for a while. I'm not now but my point is that you should create a plan to get your life together. Transition and find purpose whether that be through school or a job. I know you're having a hard time but I think you deserve to live your life a little bit before you do anything more permanent like suicide. Find some purpose and try to be happy before you do anything like take your own life.

 

[Heartaches]

I feel you. Especially with the part about being scared just to leave the house. Sometimes life is too difficult. I can even relate the the part about being scared to transition because of doctors or finding a job. At my lowest point, I was lucky enough to get on HRT and over the course of a few months, I built up enough confidence to get my first job. I was really happy for a while. I'm not now but my point is that you should create a plan to get your life together. Transition and find purpose whether that be through school or a job. I know you're having a hard time but I think you deserve to live your life a little bit before you do anything more permanent like suicide. Find some purpose and try to be happy before you do anything like take your own life.

Thanks, but I don't really know how to make a plan because I feel so hopeless. I'm so scared of working; I feel I'll never be happy again, I'll be abused and I won't have time for anything I want to do because I'll just be tired. I'm trying to finish high school because I dropped out in the final semester. Other than that, I only have a couple of goals, like masculinizing my voice. But a purpose? No. I don't know what I want to do in life; I don't know what I want to study or do for the next 10 years, or even the next year or 2. I feel I'm only living because of other people's expectations, not because I want to. I'm terrified of life.

I'm sorry for the vent and the pessimistic response, I'm super low right now. But thank you for the response, really, I appreciate the intention.