A Lifetime of Relentless Pain

[Lilit]

I see TikTok videos asking, "What's the most painful thing you've ever been told or dealt with?" and people often say something like losing a friend or loved one.
When I reflect on my life, pain hasn't been a single event. It has been constant. Since childhood, I've dealt with bullying, isolation, rejection, unrequited love, selective mutism, domestic violence, emotional neglect, and having a narcissistic parent. Life didn't get better. It slowly got worse.
I've lost people I loved along the way. I'm unemployed. I've never had someone love me back. Now I'm being technologically trafficked, reliving trauma daily, both sexual and emotional. I experience extreme dissociation that makes it painful just to exist for even a second.
I've wished for my life to end for over a decade, but I've never been able to go through with it. I keep losing friends, people I thought were close and dear to me. I'm certain life will get worse, yet I can't push myself to end it.

 

[FuneralCry]

It truly is so terrible, cruel and dreadful to me how there's all this torture and suffering in existing with no limit as to how much one can suffer, I'm sorry you've been tortured so much, it truly is horrific how existence causes all this pain.

 

[LetMeOut67]

Yeah I consider my existence to have been a fate much much worse than death.

 

[violetforever]

When I reflect on my life, pain hasn't been a single event. It has been constant.

I've always thought about when we are told to "go to our happy place" in our mind, most people have a nice memory to go back on. I have none of those. I have to make one up. I don't have entirely happy memories in life and if I do have some moments with people, they are the same people who have hurt me so that's all i can associate them with. I can't look at my past and present without being reminded that things have never been good.