Venting A LIFE UPDATE: the good and the bad.

[OliverTreeLver]

The Good and The Bad
A Life Update by OliverTreeLver​

Hello people of SaSu! It has been almost two weeks since I last spoke, which might seem pointless in the span of a lifetime but a lot has changed since then. I'll get into it all down below when it comes time for it, but first I want to have a little word on some things I want to be working on over the free time I have found myself having lately. First, I plan on writing a lot more on here like I did in the past. I had a thread for some of my writing tad bits, but I will admit that I had help with those from outer sources and AI for stuff like grammar and flow. Even though it isn't significant to the meat of the writing, which I did by both hand and text, I still feel guilty over it. This time however, I plan to have it all done by me since my writing skills have improved since then. I have gotten better at grammar, being able to proof-read easier now due to the said free time. I don't exactly have a plan for what I will be creating, but I will find it out eventually. If you are at all interested in that, I'd appreciate a follow to stay up to date on such :)

Now that we got through that, let's hop into the new (and some old I failed to mention last post) stuff that has been happening.

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The Good
"Eventually, after you push through the brambles and thicket, you find a nice clearing to stay for a while"
​

Where to begin? How about we start with the huge change that happened recently. I have moved out of my college dorms finally after living there for the past year. I got a decent apartment with a few roommates to help me feel safe. It is a nice size, with it's own kitchen and I get a room to myself finally. I honestly feel spoiled over it, since I've been stuck in a room the size of a walk-in closet for the past year. I can get privacy, which I do value a lot. The cost is decent. It is almost this is a reward from some outer being getting blessed down on me. No more do I have to worry about a roommate who goes to bed hours before I even feel tired. That also means that I am out of school, probably forever with how things are looking. I have a decent job that is enough to afford the rent, and (at least for now) I am getting along with the other roommates within the apartment. I really hope that they don't get tired of my late-night antics though, always a worry of mine since I tend to stay up until ungodly hours of the night. The move-out was stressful, but I had someone help me most of the way through it between packing my things and driving them over to the new place (more on them later). One thing I wish I could change about it is that it is still an on-campus apartment. That means I can't possess most of the drugs I would usually prefer to have at hand. I've been sober for over two weeks now and it is hell. Great as a tolerance break, but my life without weed is starting to bring me down as each day goes by. It is almost like I have an addiction .

In other news, I am seeing someone new. They aren't perfect, having their own struggles with suicidal ideation and dysphoria, but they are sweet. I really like them, they helped me move out of my last place and into here. The past few days, they have been staying with me at my new place while I get accumulated to the new surroundings. I don't exactly share a lot with them on how I am doing mentally right now, but I feel like that shouldn't be a problem yet since the "relationship" just started recently. They are really helping me get over my ex, "John". We do cute couple things lately, binging anime and playing games together. There were only a few instances where things were a problem between us, but for now it is going smooth. I really hope this one will stick, at least long enough where I am mentally stable enough to withstand basic adult needs. Speaking of needs, let's move over to the bad.

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The Bad
"We are forlorn like children, and experienced like old men, we are crude and sorrowful and superficial—I believe we are lost."
All Quiet on the Western Front​

Let's talk hunger. Hunger for success, hunger for hope, hunger for food. These are three things I am strong in right now. The food one is quite simple to explain, I barely have enough money left over between my expenses to even pay for a half-decent meal for myself lately. Living on an empty bank account has been hard over the past few months, but I never struggled with food during the school year due to my college's meal plan. Now that I am on my own, I have barely eaten over the past few days. I need the food I currently have stretch over the next week and a half until I get my paycheck, but it is barely enough to even last a normal human a few days. I have a can of spam and a loaf of bread that I have been turning into sandwiches over the past few days, eating only a half a spam sandwich a day to make sure I won't die of starvation. As of right now, I am doing okay, but the future looks grim. Since it was my responsibility to feed both me and the person I am seeing while they are here, it has been double the rations from the collection to make sure I don't let them suffer with me. I am okay with going hungry all day, it doesn't hurt as bad to me as it does to other people since it isn't my first rodeo. Alas, it has still gotten me down over the whole situation. I don't know where to turn to for when I eventually run out this Sunday, as I have already tried my parents who seem to not have a single care in the world. My paycheck doesn't come in for a while, and I have no idea how I am going to make it stretch until the next one comes in between other expenses I need to have. I barely make enough already from my job, since I barely get scheduled for shifts. I am starting to lose hope on finding food, and I might resort to not eating everyday like I have been. It is going to suck for a while, I really hope I am strong enough to tough it out through this rough patch. Between my sobriety and starvation I have been going through, I am growing weak. It worries me.

I have also been spiraling as of lately too. Mostly about my ex, due to some information I have discovered about his latest activities. I will admit it has caused me to S/H a few times due to the sheer thoughts of it. We (my ex and I) made a playlist together during our relationship that is supposed to symbolize the feeling of guilt. It is probably the best playlist I have ever made, and I was always beyond proud of it. It would take you through a journey, starting easy at the top with music that anyone could listen to and leave only feeling slightly off. As the playlist continues however, it starts to destroy itself audibly with the tracks growing longer and losing the fabrics of being music. It is almost surreal when you listen to the whole thing (4 hours 45 minutes) in one sitting, doing nothing but just purely listening. We have always been proud of it, but my ex had a different idea for the purpose of the playlist. Whenever I would do something he didn't like, maybe let's say argue back with him, he would always leave whatever we were doing and listen to the playlist. Since we were always active on discord, I would see his status as it rolled through the playlist, causing me to feel a wave of emotions and guilt wash over me. This is textbook emotional abuse, and I recently caught him doing it again to his new partner. We have went no-contact after a few months of the break-up, but I still have his spotify.stats added on my account. I was scrolling through my account the other day, and noticed that he had updated his profile. I checked it out of course, since he had blocked me on everything (including Spotify itself), and I realized that he still listens to the playlist. In fact, they were some of his top tracks. No matter what way he uses the playlist, it makes me beyond upset that he even still listens to it at all. It is a super personal playlist, one that he would use to manipulate me. It caused me to sort of spiral over the past few days, which is why the person I am seeing stayed here. I have since made all my playlists private, but it still won't let the sinking feeling inside my chest lift. I want to delete it. I want to rid the world of the playlist forever knowing what it meant for him. How he used it, how it made me feel. It is one of my biggest musical regrets ever. Despite that, I can't bring myself to get rid of it. I don't know what to do, and I feel so silly for being this fucked up over someone listening to music. It makes me feel invalid for these feelings. Is it valid to spiral from your ex doing something like this? I could care less what the answer is anyways since it will probably affect me negatively either way.

There has been more that has been going on, but my stomach hurts to much to stay awake right now. I am going to finish this in the morning.