Help A great experience and I've never wanted to die more

[LonelyTurkey]

I had an excellent experience at my current internship. This is my last day and I have been here 14 weeks. In these 14 weeks I have thought about suicide daily. Never in my life have I wanted to die so badly. I am so lonely, I can't even imagine another person ever being happy to be with me. My co-workers said they liked me, said they hope I come back. I don't think I will come back because I don't think I'll live long enough. I can't stand this feeling, no one can help with it, I don't feel anyone's love. What's even the point. My aunt even flew here to drive back with me so I wasn't alone. She has to love me but it doesn't change how I feel, I can't feel her love. Am I just ungrateful? I feel so alone, I don't know what to do anymore. How much longer can I handle this? What's even the point when I know my future only has suffering. It's not like I'll ever find a person to love, or who makes me feel loved. Nobody even cares enough to notice I'm hurting, I even tell people I'm not doing well and they don't seem to care. I'm trying to hang in there, I really am, it's just so hard and feels so pointless. It's like I'm fighting a war just to feel more pain, no happiness.

I just want to feel happy.

 

[HAKMKS]

Your aunt obviously loves you or she wouldn't have flown there to drive back with you.

You sound young as this is an internship. Give it time. You will find someone.

 

[LonelyTurkey]

Your aunt obviously loves you or she wouldn't have flown there to drive back with you.

You sound young as this is an internship. Give it time. You will find someone.

I'm 23, I know she does. I just wish it made me feel better knowing she does. I don't know why it doesn't. I know how young I am and that I'll find someone in the future. It's just surviving till then is the hard part. I'm going to start therapy later this month hopefully. I hope that helps me.

 

[Hollowman]

I can't feel love either it's horrible. I hope you can find some happiness, I've almost forgotten what it's like.

 

[LonelyTurkey]

I just can't see myself deserving someone's love. Even if someone told me they loved me idk if I'd actually believe them. I'm in college; I should be social but I'm almost finished and I have no friends. I see people talk about how hard it is to socialize once their out of college and working a real job. If that's the case then I'm hopeless, I'll never find friends. Much less someone whom loves me. I'm getting so tired of trying. I hear people I thought were friends making plans with each other and they never invite me. Even when I say that sounds fun or I'd like to do that. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I don't know if I even want to try anymore. It's almost easier to accept the darkness then it is to try to see the light in it.

 

[whywere]

I totally agree with @HAKMKSthat your aunt really loves you. I truly hope that therapy works for you as you are a loving and kind person, your aunt sees these wonderful qualities in you.

You will find the one who will click with you, it takes a little bit of time. With all your great qualities, you will do great. I am 67, reference point, just in the case that I can look back to like the 1970's and say yes to my previous thoughts.

Lots of well wishes and lovely sunny blue skies and awesome ocean views to/for you, my good friend.

Walter

 

[LonelyTurkey]

I totally agree with @HAKMKSthat your aunt really loves you. I truly hope that therapy works for you as you are a loving and kind person, your aunt sees these wonderful qualities in you.

You will find the one who will click with you, it takes a little bit of time. With all your great qualities, you will do great. I am 67, reference point, just in the case that I can look back to like the 1970's and say yes to my previous thoughts.

Lots of well wishes and lovely sunny blue skies and awesome ocean views to/for you, my good friend.

Walter

Thank you for your kind words, I have seen you posting elsewhere and I think you've responded to previous posts of mine with kindness aswell. It's always helpful and reading this helped me get to sleep last night.

 

[HAKMKS]

I'm 23, I know she does. I just wish it made me feel better knowing she does. I don't know why it doesn't. I know how young I am and that I'll find someone in the future. It's just surviving till then is the hard part. I'm going to start therapy later this month hopefully. I hope that helps me.

My advice is no psych meds. From personal experience

I just can't see myself deserving someone's love. Even if someone told me they loved me idk if I'd actually believe them. I'm in college; I should be social but I'm almost finished and I have no friends. I see people talk about how hard it is to socialize once their out of college and working a real job. If that's the case then I'm hopeless, I'll never find friends. Much less someone whom loves me. I'm getting so tired of trying. I hear people I thought were friends making plans with each other and they never invite me. Even when I say that sounds fun or I'd like to do that. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I don't know if I even want to try anymore. It's almost easier to accept the darkness then it is to try to see the light in it.

I think therapy may help. Have you tried to join clubs in school? How about asking others to do things?

 

[lonelywander]

I hate my psych meds, but they have helped me. When I first started taking them, I felt better. I no longer thought about ways to CTB every day. I stopped scratching my head. The bald spots grew in. And over the years, because of the side effects of two different psych meds, I gained over 200lbs. There is such a thing as happiness in a pill, just please be sure to research the side effects of the meds before you start taking them.
You're not the only one who can't feel loved by others, even when they sincerely show it. You're okay. There may be something off physiologically. Try to find doctors you can trust.

 

[HighFlight]

Have you tried to join clubs in school? How about asking others to do things?

These are some great ideas in concept, but can be hard to put into practice. My guess is even harder at the graduate level. However look for activities that you are genuinely interested in and plan to attend with no motive other than to do something you want to do, and have some fun doing it. The rest will happen naturally.

 

[quiet.rabbit]

Have you looked into emotional neglect?