niron
New Member
- May 11, 2026
- 1
Wasn't sure if should be posting this here or in off topic so my apologies if it's off, can remove it if it is ive visited here a lot but first time posting. Just figured I would post my scrambled thoughts.
I know this will be most likely long, im simply writing what thoughts I've been holding onto for so long. I wont go into detail of every little thing, but I wanted to post here to just say first of all this forum has helped me a lot over the years, just reading about so many others going through similar emotions from varying struggles, its almost warming to see in a tragic way although that is not the right word I can't think of anything else.
My views on suicide have always been I believe to try every possible other solution even more questionable methods before the final option, however I respect everyone's decision as it is their own. The only reason I haven't ended it yet is I see life as already short so I figured I may as well see what comes of things for now, that is subject to change. I've attempted in my past, earliest being 14 by overdose, I still remember clearly waking up in a hospital and mixed feelings overall. I saw firsthand how they treat even children with these thoughts, it was never about the danger to ourselves but the danger we may pose to others. Over the years I've grown to really see how cruel and helpless this world is, I've seen horrific things from a young age and I've always hated humanity, hated this system we have to follow, hated how this world could be so much more wonderful without the actions of them. I am the type to get extremely obsessive during love, obsessing to the point I forget my needs, and making the person my entire reasoning, the consuming feeling always made me feel alive. However I have learned from these failures, that love is simply not meant for someone like me, as loyalty and honesty seem to be lost traits now, people bending what the true meanings are of them. Since I believe 11 or 12 I have looked at life as meaningless, in a literal sense we are born to just reproduce then die, which is something I always found extremely mediocre, we are cattle to a structure our kind has created.
I feel as if things have only gotten worse and more fake than ever in recent years, in this corrupt society. Everything is tribalism, from politics to religion, our species cannot ever co exist and instead blame everything on whichever opposing side they aren't on. I've always been seen as nihilistic, however when I've pushed for anyone to give me real genuine reasons to counter my views they would always give false narratives, clearly blinding themselves to function which by all means if that is what they wish to do I won't stop them.
Part of me does want to live, not because I believe life will get getter but because there are still small things that could bring me a little bit of joy, even if its drowned out by sorrows. That being said urges and memories cloud me like a hurricane, my mind made of webs never being untangled and this world where happiness is for fools who can trick themselves into believing a false worldview that I must say I do envy, I envy the ignorance. Recently I have gotten out of a relationship where it was a bit over two years on constant torment, my obsession made me fail to see the flags and I continued to suffer in hell until I reached a point where I saw the love die before my eyes. Its funny how when you help save someone from their own trauma, and give them everything you are left as the one with those very same things in the end. This life is an unending cycle of madness, where our agony is the fuel to the cogs made from the cries of those forgotten and I am simply another onlooker.
I know this will be most likely long, im simply writing what thoughts I've been holding onto for so long. I wont go into detail of every little thing, but I wanted to post here to just say first of all this forum has helped me a lot over the years, just reading about so many others going through similar emotions from varying struggles, its almost warming to see in a tragic way although that is not the right word I can't think of anything else.
My views on suicide have always been I believe to try every possible other solution even more questionable methods before the final option, however I respect everyone's decision as it is their own. The only reason I haven't ended it yet is I see life as already short so I figured I may as well see what comes of things for now, that is subject to change. I've attempted in my past, earliest being 14 by overdose, I still remember clearly waking up in a hospital and mixed feelings overall. I saw firsthand how they treat even children with these thoughts, it was never about the danger to ourselves but the danger we may pose to others. Over the years I've grown to really see how cruel and helpless this world is, I've seen horrific things from a young age and I've always hated humanity, hated this system we have to follow, hated how this world could be so much more wonderful without the actions of them. I am the type to get extremely obsessive during love, obsessing to the point I forget my needs, and making the person my entire reasoning, the consuming feeling always made me feel alive. However I have learned from these failures, that love is simply not meant for someone like me, as loyalty and honesty seem to be lost traits now, people bending what the true meanings are of them. Since I believe 11 or 12 I have looked at life as meaningless, in a literal sense we are born to just reproduce then die, which is something I always found extremely mediocre, we are cattle to a structure our kind has created.
I feel as if things have only gotten worse and more fake than ever in recent years, in this corrupt society. Everything is tribalism, from politics to religion, our species cannot ever co exist and instead blame everything on whichever opposing side they aren't on. I've always been seen as nihilistic, however when I've pushed for anyone to give me real genuine reasons to counter my views they would always give false narratives, clearly blinding themselves to function which by all means if that is what they wish to do I won't stop them.
Part of me does want to live, not because I believe life will get getter but because there are still small things that could bring me a little bit of joy, even if its drowned out by sorrows. That being said urges and memories cloud me like a hurricane, my mind made of webs never being untangled and this world where happiness is for fools who can trick themselves into believing a false worldview that I must say I do envy, I envy the ignorance. Recently I have gotten out of a relationship where it was a bit over two years on constant torment, my obsession made me fail to see the flags and I continued to suffer in hell until I reached a point where I saw the love die before my eyes. Its funny how when you help save someone from their own trauma, and give them everything you are left as the one with those very same things in the end. This life is an unending cycle of madness, where our agony is the fuel to the cogs made from the cries of those forgotten and I am simply another onlooker.
