NSFW A farewell from a former Psycopath

[Jjabrams5095]

Hello fine people of Sasu,

Nice to meet you.
This is my first post on here.
I haven't been too active on this site.
But I have been planning my death ever since I registered.

Im here just to confirm some details about my method and make sure everything checks out. My aim is for it to be as quick and painless as possible.

So first I guess I'll tell you about myself and why I want to do this.
I'm gonna be asking for help so its only fair right?
You can assess whether you want to help or not, which I belive most won't, even here.
And I think its your right not to help someone like me.

Most people on here theyre genuinely good, not the type of people I'd say deserve to die, though I could never conceive their pain so I could never force them to live.

I think we all deserve a peaceful way out no matter what to be honest.

Even people like police who are like modern day nazis, at the end of the day they were still a baby once and were trained to be that way. They would deserve peace.
Every single human being does, even Ted bundy or Dahmer. They didn't choose to be born that way either you know.

Anyways..

Well let's rewind back to 2017.
I would've been 11.
I think this was the year I started to go insane.
Something started happening to me.
But I was a kid and I didn't really have a moral framework.
My moral framework at that time was basically whatever was taught to me.
The things that weren't. I guess I didn't really get it.

I mean I should have, mabye I did get it to an extent logically. But I didn't really feel it.
So yeah I think I was born a psycopath.
I didn't really have much empathy.
I could just do things because I wanted to and it didn't bother me soul level.
I didn't really have the ability to put myself in others shoes.
But then I could show empathy other times like in school and with my sister sometimes if I took my cruelty too far.
So yeah here's some examples of what I'd did as that 11 year old child.

For one.
My sister yeah she was a bit annoying. But my response was to get back at her so I wpuld call her names and amke fun of her for fun. And only after she started crying I started to feel really bad and tried fo make it up to her.
But what kind of psycho makes their little sister cry.
And then theres the time I went to my aunts house for my cousin's birthday.
And I poisoned her aquarium I even told everyone I was gonna do it. I did it and then I literally forgot I did.
Until after I got Into trouble. Then I realized it sucked but only because I was caught.

And then theres the big thing..
You're all going to tell me to go to hell after this.
Believe me I want to go there more than anything.
That's why I'm here.
Trust me I'd rather be raped everyday since birth till the day I die than ever be this person.
I have fantasies of killing my younger self because of what he did.
Some literal fucking demon.
I didn't choose to be born like this.
Its a miracle I even somehow adapted and ended up developing empathy and a moral code.
I never had therapy and I never really thought of what I was doing as harmful at the time of the incident.
And I care about the person with every fibre of my being.

So here's goes..
I made a deal with my sister to let me touch her inappropriately in exchange for me playing a game with her.
Sick I know.
I told you true psycopath.
I hate it more than you can ever imagine.
I still wonder if it really happened or its fake it seems like a different person.
To me it feels like I swapped bodies with Ted buddies except I have all his memories with me and now I have to face life as .. him.

The me you're speaking to is not that boy anymore ok.
I want to finally find peace separate from the demon I was born as.
Hate me all you want.
But if you were born as me, unfortunately you'd do the same thing.

My past few years I have been making it up to my sister.
We have a good relationship she never ever talked about it neither do I.
I dont know what she remembers about it.
She would've been 8 when I was 12. Which is when it happened.
Now she's 15.

But yeah we have a good relationship today.
And I get her nice gifts ever since I started working.
I even got a hug from her on Christmas and she will bring me snacks sometimes.
She's such a pure and beautiful soul.
She's almost like my twin just without the demon and the psycopathy.
We listen to the same music we have the same habits.
I think we are some sort of cosmic twin.

Oh and yea my mom did catch me back when it happened back in 2018 but for some reason she blamed my sister, so I ended up rolling with it to save myself.
I did feel really bad though but I had to.
Even psycho me felt bad that's how awful it was.
And I didn't get caught so it wasn't feeling bad for myself for once.
But that memory sticks in my head forevermore.

Anyway that's not even the present day drama.
But this is more or less normal severe depression.
And we'll I'm extremely sensitive.
If you're mean to me I might just run into the highway or something.
Im the opposite of what I was 7 years ago.
Not sure what happened.
I just wanna go back to wherever i came from.
I want a refund.
Im leaving my sister all my savings.
Its a decent amount and we'll I'm gonna leave a really big teddy bear.
I know its weird, but I always liked teddy bears and I know she's similar to me so she'll like it too. Just something to remember me by.

And well my mom, I am mad about not believing my sister but..
I still love her more than anything in this world and her devotion to me, is something I'll always cherish.
I'll always remember her voice. And her hug.
I still have her old blackberry, she has recordings of when she sang to me as a baby, and they bring me to tears.
I like to listen to it.
Because I could never choose another mom in the world and I will look after her from wherever I end up even if its hell.

Well ..
If you think I'm a scumbag I assure you I agree so here's why I'm here.
I want to hang myself on Monday which is the 19th.
Its the only method I can really conceive that I could access and likely work I have a long strong rope, I just wanna know how to tie it properly.
I'm using a balcony. It has a pretty strong banister that can handle the weight.
I'm around 120ibs
5'5
I reckon theres 10 feet or more I can drop while still being suspended.
So yeah can anyone walk me through how to tie it or recommend another method.
Even if you think I'm awful you must agree with the right to die if you're even on here, and I assure I did not want to be born at all much less a psycopath.
So if you can find it in your hear to help me.
I'd really appreciate you and ill keep you in my heart.
Or not if you dont want me to.

I have to start writing my goodbye letters,
So I hope someone on here can help me.

Anyway if you actually even read all that I want to graciously thank you for your precious time.

I just had to get it all out before Ieave.
I'm not trying to minimize anything.
I'm just trying to give you the fill picture so forgive me if it seems a bit overbearing or like I'm unserious.

Thanks again for your time..
-Jjabrams5095.
The misfortunate Demonic Child who defected from its ways.

 

[darksouls]

good luck,
I hope everything goes well for you
and you find the peace you desire

 

[Seaghost]

Well I make it short because my mental power is not that good at the moment. So it has nothing to do with the things you wrote :).

Depends on where you living you should see a therapist. Hopefully the insurance will pay!
To skip the whole thing would mean you try jump directly to the last step which I don't recommend because you would give up your chances to get some help before you even tried it. But if you really want to do what you wanna do I won't stand in your way.

Many childs are doing some kind of "doctor games". YES siblings too!
That is what I read out of your description when you were talking about "touch her inappropriately". The question would be what the word "inappropriately" means exactly when it happend. If you want to talke about that.

Btw. I recommend to make an NSFW Sign to your Thread. Some useres can be triggerd easily even when a small amount of sexual stuff is written. Sometimes it don't take much if you have a trauma.

Edit: As far as I know Psychopaths can't be "healed". So when you now feeling more sensitiv like it's in your description you are not a Psychopath. Maybe there was/is some kind of developmental disorder or something similar.
OR
It's just nothing in that way because children can be sometimes little assholes too ;). Everyone here will have done something as a child that was really really shitty.

 

[leloyon]

"Psychopaths" (if psychopathy is even a thing that can be distinguished from AsPD) don't feel remorse like you seem to. What you've done is bad, sure, but decrying yourself as some psychopath who was born messed up doesn't really track.
Regardless, I hope you find peace. Godspeed.

 

[soul2realm]

Okay, first of all, you are not a psychopath or someone even close to that. You made a mistake when you were 12, of "an inappropriate touch" as described by you. And now you are sorry for it or have been for quite some time. Correct?
Do you know why is that happening? Because when you were doing it you were ignorant, a baby bird who just gave into its impulses. And now you are enlightened with the knowledge and light, so you can see it was not right. Your mother might have not reacted because try to see from her point of view. How would you've handled the situation if you were in her shoes? I am sure she must have taken it as a factor of adolescence. The fact she never brought it up shows her love and maturity for you.
Kids do all sorts of experimentations to understand the changes they are going through. Please for heaven's sake do not compare yourself with the real psychopaths you have named here. Go to any therapist and I bet they will acknowledge my readings.
The fact that you have taken up employment and are taking care of your sister's happiness, says a lot about you.
And now for a blunt response - You want to end it, it's all but your choice. Just remember you are enlightened now and any decision you take solely resides with you.
No size of teddy would be able to wipe the tears off of your sister's face when you are gone and that will most definitely ignite self-doubt in her, not to mention a streak of old memories.
You acted on the most primitive human impulse when you had hardly popped from the egg.
Again, I am not telling you to not to do anything you want to. That's why we all are on this site right. But if CTBing right now seems important to you than when some scumbag tries to take advantage of that pure soul and she'll be looking up and asking for you and you won't be there to protect her from real psychopaths, then by all means.
Please note: My comment may have sounded hypocritical and crude, but I don't want innocent kids to lose their angels.

 

[DeathSweetDeath]

I have to agree with the others, there are ways to move forward from this. I've known a psychopath or two in my life, and they were completely incapable of any self reflection or remorse. I wish you peace one way or another, but I hope you can give your childhood self some grace, forgive yourself for your past mistakes, and find a way to move on from them without having to CTB.

 

[rs929]

A true psychopath wouldn't give a shit about what happened with your sister.

Now I'm not saying you're a saint but you don't yet qualify as a demon based on what you've told us.

If you did this being 20 years old and your sister 8 then I'd be truly scandalized, but 12 years old children do that kind of stupid things. I think you should forgive yourself

 

[violetforever]

Even people like police who are like modern day nazis, at the end of the day they were still a baby once and were trained to be that way. They would deserve peace.
Every single human being does, even Ted bundy or Dahmer. They didn't choose to be born that way either you know.

no one chose to be born firstly and no one is born evil like you're basically saying here. these people you listed were adults who chose to be that way. they're responsible for their actions. i'm not sure why you're defending them? do you feel guilty and similar to them? although what you did was horribly wrong, you were a child. there's no comparison. no one here is agreeing that you are a psychopath based on things you did as a child because we all know children are growing and learning about the world. you're still responsible for your actions but you show remorse and development from what you did.

this is a delicate matter and i'm reluctant to say this but…if you really care about your sister and feel bad for what you did why are you ctb and leaving your mother to believe that it was your sister's fault? doesn't your sister deserve for you to say the truth and show your regret? you say neither of you have ever brought up what happened but that doesn't mean she forgot or won't possibly remember in the future. it's a heavy topic no one wants to talk about. 8 is an age most people have memories of. i remember questionable things from as early as 5-7 years old. i'm happy you guys get along now and i don't think you should ctb but what you did can cause serious trauma, to both of you, and it looks like it already has been for you. i'm not sure that you can make up for what you did with just money and gifts and letting time pass. sorry this situation is so grim and i'm trying to look at it from all angles.

 

[InevitableDeath]

Psychopaths mass murder innocents with no remorse. Most political leaders and billionaires are psychopaths.

If what you've posted is the whole story, especially as she doesn't seem to care, its a shit reason to ctb.