Discussion A CTB Method Where I Get To Live

[Ociv]

I don't really know whether I should be posting this here or in the Suicide Discussion forum as, philosophically speaking, It IS a sort of suicide method.

One of my really (really) good friends moved away recently. in the week before she moved, we tried to hang out as much as we can, and I ended up taking some anxiety medicine over the week to help me cope. Taking that medicine made me think of a conversation we had a long time ago. We were talking about her time in a mental institution, how they made her take various medications to stabilize her mood. I felt that I would never want to take any drugs like that, because I felt that if I used a substance to change the way my brain works, I wouldn't even be me anymore, and that scared me. it felt like a violation. I felt that no amount of suffering would make me want to give up my pride and change into someone else.

Since then my outlook on life has gotten worse. I wanted to find a way to kill myself, but I couldnt bare to leave my family behind in such a state. my mom would be destroyed to hear that I comitted suicide. Ive been thinking for a while on a way that we can both be happy, and I realized something. Wouldnt taking mind-altering drugs be kind of like dying? If I stuck to my gut about what I thought earlier, then restructuring the way my brain works with medicine could be like dying, in a philosophical sense.

In the past, I have had what I would call an identity crisis. I went into a deep spiral of depression for several months, and when I came out the other side, My personality had completely changed. I was a completely different person from before, even opposites in many respects. It felt as though the old me was a different person, one who had died and been replaced by me.

Do you think I could induce such a thing to happen again?

If I took a medicine that completely changed my personality like before, to the point that I felt like a different person, then I could get exactly what I want. "I" could "die" and the "new me" could take my place. He would go on living as a happier version of me. My friends and family would be overjoyed, like I turned a new leaf and started finally enjoying life, where I, as my current pattern of brain-functions, would cease to exist, just as I wanted.

What do you guys think of this idea?
Do drugs like that Exist?
If they do, do you think that would work?
How would I get them?
Does this count as suicide?
Does this sound completely crazy?
Am I completely Crazy?

 

[Young.Werther]

I don't think this is crazy. I think of standard meds as something like this and they seem to work for some people. I don't know if they quite have the full effect that you are laying out or that they're what you're looking for, but I've always thought of them as altering your identity. It might be worth a shot to find out? I'd be interested to know what you think if you try that out (assuming the new copy of you would still frequent this site in a non-suicidal capacity).

I will say that this is a really interesting take. Normally when I see people write out philosophical thoughts on this site they're typically ideas that I've come up with separately and thought about extensively. I hadn't thought of drugs in that way.