irregularreconcile
i'm such a coward; these wretched things i do
- Jun 15, 2023
- 65
Figured I'd date stuff now.
Since being in a situation where I am safely being cared for, fed, kept warm, and being able to spend my time with my best friend in person, I have been doing great in certain areas and worse in others. Namely, my physical self care is a smidge better than when I was in my previous situation/street homeless [Gender dysphoria and depression be damned,] and I'm making more art, but my mind feels worse.
Namely, I am self sabotaging like fucking crazy, but my OCD has gotten far worse; And I am still waiting to get treated for it.
I namely have sexual OCD. I remember it being quite apparent when I was very young, but as soon as I suffered CSA, it became horrid. I thought it couldn't get worse until 2021(?), when another altercation happened that I thought I could have stopped.
Now, to put it simply, anyone I care about, I am terrified of A) they will be SA'd, and regardless of whether it's realistic or not as to where I was, I feel like I'm supposed to save them. If I can't, I can only think about CTBing.
B) That I will "lose control" and SA someone.
I had kept this a secret for a very long time. Despite this, around a month ago the damn finally broke, and I told my therapist. Which, yes, it was important to do that despite screaming and crying and rocking in my car, but it happened again with my best friend. Yesterday I "punished" myself for having an intrusive thought about them and leaned into the idea in my mind while they were at work, just for a little bit, and felt like I was becoming my thoughts.
Spent yesterday confessing to my best friend (who also has chronic OCD,) and was thankful they understood and supported me/didn't feel ant different about me. Today however, I still feel like a monster, and I'm so exhausted. I haven't cried that hard in ages.
I'll do some art and stuff to keep my mind off of it if I can. At some point when I find my computer charger, I'll work on a resource/info forum about the topic of surviving homelessness, which is something I inquired about previously.
Just thought I'd vent/give a story here. I feel beyond a monster, and nothing else. Happy I can voice about it here, though. Hope you all are doing as ok as possible today.
Since being in a situation where I am safely being cared for, fed, kept warm, and being able to spend my time with my best friend in person, I have been doing great in certain areas and worse in others. Namely, my physical self care is a smidge better than when I was in my previous situation/street homeless [Gender dysphoria and depression be damned,] and I'm making more art, but my mind feels worse.
Namely, I am self sabotaging like fucking crazy, but my OCD has gotten far worse; And I am still waiting to get treated for it.
I namely have sexual OCD. I remember it being quite apparent when I was very young, but as soon as I suffered CSA, it became horrid. I thought it couldn't get worse until 2021(?), when another altercation happened that I thought I could have stopped.
Now, to put it simply, anyone I care about, I am terrified of A) they will be SA'd, and regardless of whether it's realistic or not as to where I was, I feel like I'm supposed to save them. If I can't, I can only think about CTBing.
B) That I will "lose control" and SA someone.
I had kept this a secret for a very long time. Despite this, around a month ago the damn finally broke, and I told my therapist. Which, yes, it was important to do that despite screaming and crying and rocking in my car, but it happened again with my best friend. Yesterday I "punished" myself for having an intrusive thought about them and leaned into the idea in my mind while they were at work, just for a little bit, and felt like I was becoming my thoughts.
Spent yesterday confessing to my best friend (who also has chronic OCD,) and was thankful they understood and supported me/didn't feel ant different about me. Today however, I still feel like a monster, and I'm so exhausted. I haven't cried that hard in ages.
I'll do some art and stuff to keep my mind off of it if I can. At some point when I find my computer charger, I'll work on a resource/info forum about the topic of surviving homelessness, which is something I inquired about previously.
Just thought I'd vent/give a story here. I feel beyond a monster, and nothing else. Happy I can voice about it here, though. Hope you all are doing as ok as possible today.
