57f My Lifestory of being cursed with EVERY type of Depression. Maybe it will help someone.

[dust-in-the-wind]

I am an older 57f and have suffered on and off depression my entire adult life, often severe enough to want to kill myself. Hence, why I belong to this group. I am also an empath, which makes life even harder tolerate. Over the decades, I have read SO many books on the psychology of depression to try and help myself. Problem is there are so many different types of depression and I have experienced just about all of them. There is not a one size fits all solution. Situational depression is very common now because of how difficult it is just to make ends meet in today's society. Also, loneliness is huge now in the digital age. Some young people only have online friends and no real life friends. This is so sad to me because growing up in the 70's and 80's we all had lots of real friends and online didn't exist. I agree meds won't help and we need good solutions to help these situations. You can always message me if you are in a situational depression and maybe I can give some advice based on experience or words of wisdom. Another common situational depression is a breakup. I have wanted to kill myself in my 20's over a break up. Meds can help with this one in regulating your emotions better to be able to handle it. Regardless, it usually takes about 2 years to fully get over the loss, but at least there is hope of an end in sight. Then there is existential depression, this one is tough. When I hit 30. I checked all my boxes. I had the good job, house and husband, everything I worked towards in my 20's. I never wanted children, so now what? I felt I had nothing left to strive for. This led me down the rabbit hole of what is the purpose and meaning of life. I came up empty handed and concluded life IS inherently meaningless with no purpose which is very depressing to live with this mindset. We will all eventually die so nothing we do actually matters and even if it does for a little while, the human race will someday end and the earth will be burned up by the sun unless humans destroy it first. Once you fully process this, there is no coming back from it and meds don't help. You just have to figure out a way to live for each moment even while knowing it ultimately doesn't matter. One thing I did for a decade in my life was I volunteered at an animal shelter from about age 35-45. I adopted out over 1000 cats during that time period. Now at age 57, most of those cats I found homes for are dead. See how my brain works :( Now the most deadly depression of all is chemical depression. There is no reason why you are depressed. Therapy won't work because there is nothing to talk about. Meds sometimes work but not always and if they do, they can become ineffective over time. Sometimes meds make you worse and push you even closer to the edge of suicide! The last 3 years of my Iife was in a severe bedridden chemical depression. I tried no less than 25+meds, ECT and Ketamine infusions and was hospitalized (not willingly) 3 times by my psychiatrist for fear I would kill myself. I lost my business and had to go on disability. I was and still am humiliated. Finally on a last ditch effort I started hormone replacement therapy as I am in menopause with no hormones. OMG it has been 3.5 months now and I am back to functioning and seeing friends. It is a fucking miracle. I still very much have existential depression. That will never go away but the chemical depression is the worst hell I ever experienced and no one thought it could be a hormonal issue. The brain needs Estrogen and obviously my brain needs it more than most women, for whatever reason I will never know. And men with lower testosterone levels are also vulnerable to depression. Anyway, I had to figure this out for myself and I am lucky I am still even alive to tell my story. You can even go back and look at posts I made on here over the last couple of years to see how severe my depression really was. I still may ultimately end my life one day but at least for now I am not thinking about it 24/7 and now finding some joy again in life. If you made it to the end, ty for reading my story and hope maybe it helped or inspired you in someway. My inbox is always open for others struggling from severe depression.

 

[explosiveKai99]

I know very little about hormones. Are you saying women could experience depression from not enough estrogen in their body, and men from deficiency of testosteron?

 

[dust-in-the-wind]

I am an older 57f and have suffered on and off depression my entire adult life, often severe enough to want to kill myself. Hence, why I belong to this group. I am also an empath, which makes life even harder tolerate. Over the decades, I have read SO many books on the psychology of depression to try and help myself. Problem is there are so many different types of depression and I have experienced just about all of them. There is not a one size fits all solution. Situational depression is very common now because of how difficult it is just to make ends meet in today's society. Also, loneliness is huge now in the digital age. Some young people only have online friends and no real life friends. This is so sad to me because growing up in the 70's and 80's we all had lots of real friends and online didn't exist. I agree meds won't help and we need good solutions to help these situations. You can always message me if you are in a situational depression and maybe I can give some advice based on experience or words of wisdom. Another common situational depression is a breakup. I have wanted to kill myself in my 20's over a break up. Meds can help with this one in regulating your emotions better to be able to handle it. Regardless, it usually takes about 2 years to fully get over the loss, but at least there is hope of an end in sight. Then there is existential depression, this one is tough. When I hit 30. I checked all my boxes. I had the good job, house and husband, everything I worked towards in my 20's. I never wanted children, so now what? I felt I had nothing left to strive for. This led me down the rabbit hole of what is the purpose and meaning of life. I came up empty handed and concluded life IS inherently meaningless with no purpose which is very depressing to live with this mindset. We will all eventually die so nothing we do actually matters and even if it does for a little while, the human race will someday end and the earth will be burned up by the sun unless humans destroy it first. Once you fully process this, there is no coming back from it and meds don't help. You just have to figure out a way to live for each moment even while knowing it ultimately doesn't matter. One thing I did for a decade in my life was I volunteered at an animal shelter from about age 35-45. I adopted out over 1000 cats during that time period. Now at age 57, most of those cats I found homes for are dead. See how my brain works :( Now the most deadly depression of all is chemical depression. There is no reason why you are depressed. Therapy won't work because there is nothing to talk about. Meds sometimes work but not always and if they do, they can become ineffective over time. Sometimes meds make you worse and push you even closer to the edge of suicide! The last 3 years of my Iife was in a severe bedridden chemical depression. I tried no less than 25+meds, ECT and Ketamine infusions and was hospitalized (not willingly) 3 times by my psychiatrist for fear I would kill myself. I lost my business and had to go on disability. I was and still am humiliated. Finally on a last ditch effort I started hormone replacement therapy as I am in menopause with no hormones. OMG it has been 3.5 months now and I am back to functioning and seeing friends. It is a fucking miracle. I still very much have existential depression. That will never go away but the chemical depression is the worst hell I ever experienced and no one thought it could be a hormonal issue. The brain needs Estrogen and obviously my brain needs it more than most women, for whatever reason I will never know. And men with lower testosterone levels are also vulnerable to depression. Anyway, I had to figure this out for myself and I am lucky I am still even alive to tell my story. You can even go back and look at posts I made on here over the last couple of years to see how severe my depression really was. I still may end my life someday, but for now I am at least not thinking about it 24/7. If you made it to the end, ty for reading my story and hope maybe it helped or inspired you in someway. My inbox is always open for others struggling from severe depression.

I know very little about hormones. Are you saying women could experience depression from not enough estrogen in their body, and men from deficiency of testosteron?

Yes this is exactly what I am saying. Women are especially vulnerable to anxiety and depression as their hormones start to decline, usually somewhere in your 40's. You can Google as there is much info on this. Also, low testosterone has also been shown to cause depression in some men as well.

 

[hevnsfall]

Hello! 34F bariatric patient here with severe depression.

The hormone subject really makes me think also about vitamin deficiency and maybe i should do some digging about B12, iron, folic acid and vitamin D infusions.

 

[dust-in-the-wind]

Hello! 34F bariatric patient here with severe depression.

The hormone subject really makes me think also about vitamin deficiency and maybe i should do some digging about B12, iron, folic acid and vitamin D infusions.

Absolutely all those things are important too and low levels can cause depression. I had them all checked and I wasn't low on any of them because I take already take a lot of supplements. I know when you have bariatric surgery your body has a harder time absorbing nutrients. So definitely get the blood tests done. I would hope whatever Dr you have would check those things first before just putting you on an antidepressant?

 

[hevnsfall]

Absolutely all those things are important too and low levels can cause depression. I had them all checked and I wasn't low on any of them because I take already take a lot of supplements. I know when you have bariatric surgery your body has a harder time absorbing nutrients. So definitely get the blood tests done. I would hope whatever Dr you have would check those things first before just putting you on an antidepressant?

Nah he just gave me the most frequent scheme available and hoped for the best. I have been on psychiatric treatment for 11 years now. I have also self medicated and had better results.

At 34 i am not sure if i should start checking my hormones or not but the vitamin defficiencies definitely.

I frequently read your posts throughout the forum. You seem to be stayin strong and holding on pretty well despite all what you have been through *hugs*

 

[dust-in-the-wind]

At 34 your hormones should be good but I don't know if bariatric surgery can affect them prematurely. Maybe Google that too Very disappointing about your doctor, especially since you had bariatric surgery which you may not be absorbing enough nutrients! We really have to our own advocate regarding physical and mental health.

 

[PeaceSeeker83]

Thanks for sharing. Pretty much an older version of myself in many respects (43). I assume you are somewhat conflicted in reaching 57? A battling mind debating resilience versus pointlessness?

Either way you are here and I think your post may help some people extend their life with the potential correct treatment.