50 years old... Existence is pointless

[unhappycamper80]

I'm 50 and my life has been an abject failure. It started from childhood, and I never was able to cope with setbacks.

I feel like I'm just going through the motions at this point, I know I don't want to be alive but at the same time I don't have the guts to ever CTB.

To be clear I will NEVER do it. However I'm fascinated with the idea of it, and I'm looking to meet people close to my age you also feel like they are also are a failure and just to connect with.

What makes me even more hopeless is that I unfortunately associate myself with very high functioning people... All of my friends and for the most part family members are highly functioning, with great jobs, families, and overall happiness. I've been the black sheep who can't get it together.

 

[Zaphkiel]

All of my friends and for the most part family members are highly functioning, with great jobs, families, and overall happiness.

That's what you see on the outside.
There are high chance that in private they are not that happy.
That's how it is very often, sadly.

All in all dont other too much with others, think about yourself.

 

[rustcohle4life]

Sometimes the saddest people wear the biggest smiles. I'm not that way, i can't fake it, but others are that way. You can't tell if a person is happy because they have all the societal milestones met. Some of these great big mcmansions house some of the saddest people ever. I know a lot of them. But i definitely get what you're saying.

I'm about two decades younger than you and i think i may actually be ballsy enough to catch a ride out of this shit hole early.

 

[U. A.]

welcome, sadly.
only about a third of users here are over thirty, but there's a chatroom specifically for 40+. it's the speech bubble with a number icon likely in the top right of whatever you're using.
good luck

 

[stardewwindceres]

I'm 50 and my life has been an abject failure. It started from childhood, and I never was able to cope with setbacks.

I feel like I'm just going through the motions at this point, I know I don't want to be alive but at the same time I don't have the guts to ever CTB.

To be clear I will NEVER do it. However I'm fascinated with the idea of it, and I'm looking to meet people close to my age you also feel like they are also are a failure and just to connect with.

What makes me even more hopeless is that I unfortunately associate myself with very high functioning people... All of my friends and for the most part family members are highly functioning, with great jobs, families, and overall happiness. I've been the black sheep who can't get it together.

I just turned 40 a few weeks ago and I am a complete mess of a human being. I do have a plan to CTB and am currently trying to gather what I need. But I'm not sure when I will do it. I just don't know how much longer I can keep going. I've tried before in my early and late 20s, almost succeeded. I was never supposed to go on this long and I have long since passed my expiration date, as far as I should have been dead already. I feel now like I'm just rotting away.

As for other people IRL, I associate myself with them as little as possible. Plus, I really don't care what they are doing with their lives. Most people I've ever met, I've never really liked. I had a group of close friends when I was younger. But as I got sicker and sicker, I lost friends and have always had trouble keeping them. Like @rustcohle4life, I can't fake it either. (Excellent, I loved Rust sooo much) Anyway, I can't pretend and I'm always too much.

 

[rustcohle4life]

I just turned 40 a few weeks ago and I am a complete mess of a human being. I do have a plan to CTB and am currently trying to gather what I need. But I'm not sure when I will do it. I just don't know how much longer I can keep going. I've tried before in my early and late 20s, almost succeeded. I was never supposed to go on this long and I have long since passed my expiration date, as far as I should have been dead already. I feel now like I'm just rotting away.

As for other people IRL, I associate myself with them as little as possible. Plus, I really don't care what they are doing with their lives. Most people I've ever met, I've never really liked. I had a group of close friends when I was younger. But as I got sicker and sicker, I lost friends and have always had trouble keeping them. Like @rustcohle4life, I can't fake it either. (Excellent, I loved Rust sooo much) Anyway, I can't pretend and I'm always too much.

True detective season 1 was epic. I hope it gave you some solace on this shitty planet. Yep, my social life is completely zero to. I just can't care about anything worldly anymore. I don't think whatever i have can be fixed, so i guess i will look forward to CTB, because there's nothing else i can look forward to anymore. At least there's some wonder and excitement in it. Peace out.

 

[stardewwindceres]

True detective season 1 was epic. I hope it gave you some solace on this shitty planet. Yep, my social life is completely zero to. I just can't care about anything worldly anymore. I don't think whatever i have can be fixed, so i guess i will look forward to CTB, because there's nothing else i can look forward to anymore. At least there's some wonder and excitement in it. Peace out.

"I think human consciousness is a tragic misstep in human evolution. We became too self aware; nature created an aspect of nature separate from itself. We are creatures that should not exist by natural law. We are things that labor under the illusion of having a self, a secretion of sensory experience and feeling, programmed with total assurance that we are each somebody, when in fact everybody's nobody. I think the honorable thing for our species to do is deny our programming, stop reproducing, walk hand in hand into extinction, one last midnight, brothers and sisters opting out of a raw deal."

One of my favorite Rust quotes

 

[vig919]

I'm 50 and my life has been an abject failure. It started from childhood, and I never was able to cope with setbacks.

I feel like I'm just going through the motions at this point, I know I don't want to be alive but at the same time I don't have the guts to ever CTB.

To be clear I will NEVER do it. However I'm fascinated with the idea of it, and I'm looking to meet people close to my age you also feel like they are also are a failure and just to connect with.

What makes me even more hopeless is that I unfortunately associate myself with very high functioning people... All of my friends and for the most part family members are highly functioning, with great jobs, families, and overall happiness. I've been the black sheep who can't get it together.

So relatable

 

[Throwawaysoul]

Same, late 40s. Everyone around me has a career, some type of skill. I can't even hold a basic job. Even if it didn't want to CTB there's nothing here for me. I contribute nothing to society.

 

[dearlydeparted44]

I'm 50 and my life has been an abject failure. It started from childhood, and I never was able to cope with setbacks.

I feel like I'm just going through the motions at this point, I know I don't want to be alive but at the same time I don't have the guts to ever CTB.

To be clear I will NEVER do it. However I'm fascinated with the idea of it, and I'm looking to meet people close to my age you also feel like they are also are a failure and just to connect with.

What makes me even more hopeless is that I unfortunately associate myself with very high functioning people... All of my friends and for the most part family members are highly functioning, with great jobs, families, and overall happiness. I've been the black sheep who can't get it together.

I'm 45. This resonates with me in some ways. I plan on logging out soon. Just getting some final affairs taken care of. I feel you on the childhood part. I feel my life was doomed from "Go." I will say that while your friends/family may seem happy, that often is a front. I learned that from experience. Even right now. My best friend is about to marry "the woman of his dreams." Yet, she doesn't respect him, the relationship is very lopsided. She still wants to party in her mid-40's. Almost ALL of the financial burden is on him. It's a mess, and he's not happy. But, his comeback to all of that is, "at least I'm not alone." I'm at the point where I'd rather be alone than unhappy.

I wish you peace and clarity in your journey, no matter what you do.

 

[Macedonian1987]

I'm 38 years old and I don't know how I made it up to 38. During these 38 years on this earth I achieved nothing. I didn't finished any meaningful education, barely had any jobs at all, never had a family or a meaningfull relationships, heck I never even had a true friend in my whole life.

To the OP I will say this: you are not a failure. Making it all the way to a 50 years of age is a achievement on it's own. An achievement will I will never accomplish as I will be dead well before 50. My health is already like the one of a 70 year old, when i reach 50.... i don't even want to imagine in what horrible condition my health would be if I don't ctb.

 

[itsgone2]

What makes me even more hopeless is that I unfortunately associate myself with very high functioning people... All of my friends and for the most part family members are highly functioning, with great jobs, families, and overall happiness. I've been the black sheep who can't get it together.

Same. Same to it all, but this in particular. It's embarrassing and I didn't really realize it until now.

 

[_Gollum_]

"I think human consciousness is a tragic misstep in human evolution. We became too self aware; nature created an aspect of nature separate from itself. We are creatures that should not exist by natural law. We are things that labor under the illusion of having a self, a secretion of sensory experience and feeling, programmed with total assurance that we are each somebody, when in fact everybody's nobody. I think the honorable thing for our species to do is deny our programming, stop reproducing, walk hand in hand into extinction, one last midnight, brothers and sisters opting out of a raw deal."

One of my favorite Rust quotes

Thank you for sharing this quote. It reminds me of an essay I recently read along these same lines:

"What had happened? A breach within the unity of life itself, a biological paradox, a monstrosity, an absurdity, a hypertrophy of catastrophic nature. Life had overshot its target and blown itself apart. A species had been too heavily armed — its genius made it not only all-powerful in the external world, but equally dangerous to its own well-being. Its weapon was like a sword without grip and safeguard, a double-edged blade cleaving everything; anyone who wished to wield such a sword must first take hold of the blade and thus turn one of its edges against himself.

Despite his new eyes, man was still rooted in matter, his soul was woven into it and subordinated to its blind laws. And yet he could look upon matter as a stranger, position himself amongst other phenomena, comprehend and locate his own vital processes. He comes to nature as an unwanted guest; stretching his arms out in vain, pleading to be reunited with what created him. But nature no longer responds — it had performed a miracle with man but ever since disowned him. He has lost his citizenship in the universe; he has eaten from the tree of knowledge and been expelled from paradise. Man is powerful in his immediate world but curses this power bought in exchange for his soul's harmony, his state of innocence, his peaceful existence within life's embrace."

 

[stardewwindceres]

Thank you for sharing this quote. It reminds me of an essay I recently read along these same lines:

"What had happened? A breach within the unity of life itself, a biological paradox, a monstrosity, an absurdity, a hypertrophy of catastrophic nature. Life had overshot its target and blown itself apart. A species had been too heavily armed — its genius made it not only all-powerful in the external world, but equally dangerous to its own well-being. Its weapon was like a sword without grip and safeguard, a double-edged blade cleaving everything; anyone who wished to wield such a sword must first take hold of the blade and thus turn one of its edges against himself.

Despite his new eyes, man was still rooted in matter, his soul was woven into it and subordinated to its blind laws. And yet he could look upon matter as a stranger, position himself amongst other phenomena, comprehend and locate his own vital processes. He comes to nature as an unwanted guest; stretching his arms out in vain, pleading to be reunited with what created him. But nature no longer responds — it had performed a miracle with man but ever since disowned him. He has lost his citizenship in the universe; he has eaten from the tree of knowledge and been expelled from paradise. Man is powerful in his immediate world but curses this power bought in exchange for his soul's harmony, his state of innocence, his peaceful existence within life's embrace."

Nice I like that. I am going to read more later when I wake up. Thanks for posting that!

 

[FadingSnowFake]

Turned 50 last month, and it feels so weird to even say it, wait I haven't in real life, so nobody in my new country knows about my birthday, and my family far away did not even mention the big number. I guess that says a bit about my non-existent social life and lack of anything to celebrate. Since I became suicidal a year ago, everything feels unreal, and to think that there can't be many more years left, and the little that I could have left (if I wasn't suicidal), may very well be more empty years. To think that at this age, this is where I ended up? With nobody, no assets, no kids, just a lost person with a body that is not getting younger. At this age, I would've expected to have had my sh*t together and made something of me and/or be of value somehow and to someone. Guess that didn't happen, so you are not alone in feeling like a failure.

I had every intention to ctb when I joined this forum but stayed longer than expected. I now have my ticket, but it's almost like the death wish turned into a dark depression, being already dead inside. Some days there is light at the top of the dark pit, but I don't know for sure now, if this is the light of life or death that I'm seeing. I wish you only the best on your journey.

 

[metfan647]

37 and feel like a big fucking loser. Struggled all my life with friendships, relationships, career. I can't drive nor do I own a house. I have no kids or purpose. I have had suicidal thoughts since I was a child.

I have always worked but bounce from job to job. Energy levels were still high until a couple of years ago but I noticed a rapid change and now embracing the ideation and accepting my fate. I actually gave myself a few expiry dates but something would always come by to deceive me that I ought to go on. I have a few affairs to get in order first but it'll be soon for me. I'll say within the next couple of years. If my physical health gets any worse though, it could be any day.

 

[indianachrome]

45 and also a big waste of space. I had the world by the balls in my 20's but then bad divorce and a nervous break down. Considered CTB for years after that. Then I got everything put back together better than before! Was traveling the world and enjoying my beautiful gf and then out of nowhere BAM! now i'm disabled and no idea when i will regain function. Probably never. I promise you I will not be in this bed years from now - i will CTB