50% into living 50 % into dying.

[Busridin'26]

Morning y'all (or whatever time based greeting is appropriate)

Today, I woke up with suicide having less of a chokehold on me. Was at a 90-95% into dying and 10-5% living.

So, doing what I usually do....

I start engaging in life again.

Today my plans are (as im currently lying in bed....):
Eat. Hygiene. Maybe do makeup.

Bus to a music store thats near the store I buy incense from.

Buy guitar capo
Buy incense

Bus back home.

2pm: Writing group. (Really enjoyed it last week. My writing was well received and I was met with gratitude & admiration)

Then therapy at 7pm.

Whatever inbetween doesn't matter. Doesn't particularly matter if I get any of them done today. Feeling pretty low in general. Still lot's of self loathing going on.


I have a lot of mental & physical health issues which is a big reason for feeling suicidal in the first place. I wouldn't mind spending a few days to a week just focusing on some other things for a bit.

But somehow that feels selfish and stupid bc the health issues are not going to go away but tryna to manage them made me feel well where I'm at now soooo...


Anyway... I guess I'm just sharing where I'm at...

If you go into my post history and look at some posts from 2019 and so on you'd see how anytime I came outta suicidality I was still very much alone. Now I am not. I have quite a few people holding space for me.. and supporting me... which is something I'm grateful for but deeply ashamed at the same time.

Living is hard... Dying is hard.. sighs...

 

[SoftWorries]

To me that's a pretty packed day!

What are you writing if you don't mind sharing?

 

[Busridin'26]

To me that's a pretty packed day!

What are you writing if you don't mind sharing?

I don't mind sharing and I won't know until I get there which is a really nice aspect. The group consists of writing prompts and usually has a theme.

I usually write in the form of poetry though.

 

[Water-Lily]

Both living and dying is indeed hard

I admire you choosing to go to therapy and work on yourself regardless though

 

[Vesiira]

Morning y'all (or whatever time based greeting is appropriate)

Today, I woke up with suicide having less of a chokehold on me. Was at a 90-95% into dying and 10-5% living.

So, doing what I usually do....

I start engaging in life again.

Today my plans are (as im currently lying in bed....):
Eat. Hygiene. Maybe do makeup.

Bus to a music store thats near the store I buy incense from.

Buy guitar capo
Buy incense

Bus back home.

2pm: Writing group. (Really enjoyed it last week. My writing was well received and I was met with gratitude & admiration)

Then therapy at 7pm.

Whatever inbetween doesn't matter. Doesn't particularly matter if I get any of them done today. Feeling pretty low in general. Still lot's of self loathing going on.


I have a lot of mental & physical health issues which is a big reason for feeling suicidal in the first place. I wouldn't mind spending a few days to a week just focusing on some other things for a bit.

But somehow that feels selfish and stupid bc the health issues are not going to go away but tryna to manage them made me feel well where I'm at now soooo...


Anyway... I guess I'm just sharing where I'm at...

If you go into my post history and look at some posts from 2019 and so on you'd see how anytime I came outta suicidality I was still very much alone. Now I am not. I have quite a few people holding space for me.. and supporting me... which is something I'm grateful for but deeply ashamed at the same time.

Living is hard... Dying is hard.. sighs...

Thank you for sharing all that. It always does feel conflicting when your suicidal ideations lessen a bit and you start to engage in life more. You can't help but feel guilty for feeling okay, when you feel like you're supposed to STAY depressed. That you can't stray away from it, since you've felt it so long. I feel the same. A couple weeks ago I was at about 90% into dying and now I'm like 20%, because a good thing came into my life suddenly. Living and dying is hard though, especially when you can't figure out which to choose. I hope it stays down for as long as it can. <3

 

[Alwaysdreaming]

I really like the way you put it about % of wanting to die/live. I go through the same and try to do the same with engaging in life. It can be very difficult especially when you have anxiety problems on top of that. Pushing yourself to do something rather than nothing is one of the best things to do. Keep trying to push forward. You seem like an interesting and intelligent person, your post was really well written.

 

[Dangerdonkey333]

Ooo, I love incense. What are some of your favorite?

 

[enough of this]

Ooo, I love incense. What are some of your favorite?

My favorite incense is Nag Champa Agarbatti.

 

[Dangerdonkey333]

My favorite incense is Nag Champa Agarbatti.

Mine is dragons blood.