Pastel demon
Dec 8, 2018
Today I've realized that I had approximately 4 months without working. First, I got fired in march after 8 months in a company who I put a lot of my hopes of making a professional path, and then cut off because of pandemic. Then, I got a work as an administrative assistant for a contractor company until august. The shareholder who contracted me split up from that company and again, I was without a salary.
That means that, I lived in some tips and charity. And that stimulated a depression who downs me towards CTB. I've tried partial hanging recently.
I mean, nothing makes me concentrated. I've been procrastinating since then. I promoted myself a freelancer narrative: in this hypotetical scenario, I will found any kind of works as a freelancer writer, editor, and future progammer. I paid for a logo for both my "company", and by my writer for a reasonable price. I got the paperwork, open a bank account, buy a personalized gmail account, and try to convince me that "Now I'm independent, I'm a cool freelancer!"
I bought a Bootcamp course that I didn't finished. I bought a domain and a hosting plan to my own website to promote myself as a professional, and I only uploaded one post instead to be consistent. I subscribed into a freelancer marketplace and I didn't win a single project.
The worst part is that I make an marketing agreement with a relative that he paid a half, but I didn't work yet with that! And I'm fully ashamed with him. I don't know what I can talk with him. I made an ebook and stuff but I didn't execute the marketing plan yet. My plan is to ask for a mercy plan and give it into fractions the amount that I owe to him in the rest of 2021 (200 bucks). And why I didn't work? because the fucking procrastination who fulled the depression.
And then, in the last weeks my mental state worsened, because the due dates arrived. The due dates of the credit cards. The due date of the phone plan. The due date of the Internet. And the due date of the room I'm living here. I can't pay a single penny of that bills, my only hope is to get a loan from my family.
My worst depression just exploded in this november. I'm living in desesperation since then. And I always think that suicide was long to me, that after accept me as transgender and that male-fueled negative body image will be get off, my incapacity of trusting myself was overwhelm and exhausting for my complex mind. I had an partial hanging attempt. Surely didn't work, but I was tempted to convert into a full hanging attempt. When I accepted that I was trying to kill myself, I stopped and negotiate with myself a solution. The noose is still attached into the door.
I had an awful 2020, who isn't? But in my case I lost my both parents and an aunt, I lost two jobs, and I can't trust myself anymore...
I need to back to work. I sent a couple of CV this week. But I'm unable to pay the bills, to buy enough food to the cat. I'm still in danger. I'm still want to hang myself, this time in full suspension. I need to talk with a lot of people. Of course I will not talk about my suicidal thoughts or my attempt.
I'm trying to overcome procrastination with a system, with help of a friend with GTD and Pomodoro technique. I hope isn't too late. I'm think my brain can still be functional, because I'm writing in english, who is my second language adquired.
Anyway, not working with a salary mess up with my brain.
I need a rest of myself.
End of venting.
I hope the rope isn't the only destiny for me.
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Mar 22, 2020
I'm sorry you're suffering so much because of not working.

In my case, depression made me quit my job and isolate from the world. It's quite embarrassing but I'm surviving thanks to my dad who pays the bills.

I don't know how long I will continue like this. I'll probably CTB next year before working again.