Venting 2 weeks on from my attempt

[waistcoat]

a little over 2 weeks ago i made an attempt with sn and somehow survived

another failed attempt (last night)

just posting this here so the people in chat last night know i'm alive last night i tried to ctb, mixed out everything and drunk it, i used sn w/o any ae's or benzos but did take a very very high dose of my insomnia medication anyway, i ended up passing out around 30m after drinking it, i woke...

sanctioned-suicide.net

i've kinda been on autopilot since.
i've been keeping myself busy with work, study, interviews, and travel.
i'm stopping myself from thinking and processing it.
i've been avoiding this site because of it.

i've found i've kinda reclused from social life the past month and am trying to change that.
i'm also not putting effort into my studies, which is bad as my visa depends on them.
i'm hoping the next few days i'll be able to get my life back on track and try living again.
i've just been freely floating the past few weeks with no real plan.
midterms are soon, i'm worried about them. i'm also worried about my job interview on friday.
if i manage to land the job my life will be objectively so so much better. i really hope i can.

my health issues have been playing up all week.
legs are in pain, blood pressure keeps tanking, heart rate keeps being unstable and my gi tract is on the verge of giving up.
there's also other things like light sensitivity that is bothering me, but eh no reason to detail everything here.

i'm not sure where to go from here.
i threw the rest of my sn away (again).
i could order more but i think i'm gonna try let life play out for a little bit longer to see where things are heading.
it's starting to get interesting. idk how much longer my body will let me continue but i think fuck it we ball.

i'm indifferent on death at the moment.
i'm not actively thinking about killing myself, but if a car were to run me over i wouldn't get worked up about it.
i think i'm actually starting to look after myself more actually.
i've cooked a few meals this week rather than just starving myself.
i'm proud of me. i'm trying and i'm happy about that.

my friend visited me last week, so did my girlfriend the week before.
i ended up visiting a lot more people over a long weekend and have just got back.
my mother is visiting next week, and another friend is too.
i'm surrounded by people, which is forcing me to stay safe.
i think that's good, albeit a bit overwhelming.

oh, i also had a call with another therapist (i think this is number 5? probably more)
she declined to help me as my case is too servere.
she recommended i get "professional psychiatric help and medication", and provided me with relevant resources on how to do that.
i guess i truly am mentally broken x3

i'm not sure what the point of this post is.
i guess i'm just... spouting my thoughts.
i hope you guys are all okay.
i think i'm gonna try get some sleep now.

love you all, thank you ~<3

 

[woofwag]

Hey, I'm so sorry you had that attempt. It seems like it's causing a lot of dissociation. But that's not necessarily a bad thing. I'm glad you're making some progress despite your health issues and passive suicidality. It sounds like for the moment, things are relatively ok :) funny how the brain and body are so insistent on being alive while still having health issues (I have POTS I'm allowed to say that lol). I'm glad you'll get to ride shit out a little longer. I hope things can continue to be alright for you <3

 

[Kurwenal]

I'm sorry you had to make the attempt. But reading your post here, I'm also glad that there are things you have that you can enjoy in the moment and even look forward to.

Well done on cooking. I hope so sincerely that you can land the job that you say will objectively improve your life so much. That's huge. I really, really hope you can achieve that. The fact that you can recognize that there is that hope is beautiful.

I'm sorry for your physical ailments. They never make one's mental state any better, that's for sure. You need to find what is right for you to do, and not what others decide is right for you to do. For some on this forum, to CTB is what is right for them as an individual in their own situation. Sometimes we're told we do need to reflect on things and process them. I'm much more a repress and try to forget person. Do what works for you to help you do what you want to do. Be it taking time away from here, or travelling, or cooking some more, whatever gives you internal peace is what you need to do.

I hope you get a good night's sleep and that the rest can prepare you for being the best you can be at that job interview. I wish you well.