I previously had a mental breakdown and withdrew from life for years. But since mid July I've been messaging one friend on whatsapp every day and another friend several times a week. I have also been leaving the house once a week and hanging out with mostly one friend but sometimes the other. I started to see them as a way out of my shit. But in early August, the friend I contact less frequently fell out with me over REALLY MINOR things and he won't reply to my messages - I think we might resolve the situation at some point but he said its too much to deal with rn but I also have a feeling he has "the ick" with me because I have not worked or left the house in years and he says I am overly neurotic, all doom and gloom and I have insane views about the world. I feel like he used to like me but now he sees me as a loser and so weird he is repulsed by me. We used to be really close but now he seems to be much closer to many other friends and it hurts that he doesn't love and value me as much as I do him. The stress of this situation has been weighing me down every day. Idk whether thats because I'm isolated and only have 3 friends and none of them seem to be close to me like I am them. Then this week the main friend I speak to daily has fallen out with me as well. She hasn't actually told me this but I know her quite well and I can tell shes mad at me but shes not saying anything because she has always said it takes her a while to realise she is mad at someone. I know why she is mad at me and it is understandable but I feel like its more of a "you should not have said this, don't do it again," type of thing but its now day 3 of her not speaking to me and I just know shes pissed because I know what shes like.
I'm so stressed. When the first friend fell out with me, I was so stressed I wasn't functioning that much for 3 days but then I was functioning after that but carrying the stress around with me like a ball of stress and anxiety in the pit of my stomach all the time. Now this friend has fallen out with me and I'm SO STRESSED. I'm stressed, I'm anxious, I can't get anything done because I keep checking her online status and rereading our messages and googling what to do and I'm just so stressed rn. I think its the not knowing that is driving me crazy. Idk whether things will ever be resolved between me and the first friend. I'm scared the second friend is going to do something dramatic like cut me out or distance from me or something like that. Idk whats going to happen and its stressing me out.
These friendships were flawed before all of this started but they are all I have. I am long term unemployed, socially isolated, I think I would like to get my life together although even saying that scares me. But I'm stressed. I'm 29, almost 30, my last few friendships are failing, I accidentally fucked over my true best friend in life 5 years ago and she will never take me back, I have no partner and I've never had a partner, I feel sick, stressed and anxious, I feel deeply ashamed that I haven't worked or left the house in 4 years and I'm scared anyone I see from my past now will think I am a pathetic weak loser. I feel sick and a pang of pain every time I think of the man I was supposed to end up with but didn't. He is very happy and in love with his gf who is perfect for him and they post on social media all the time. It hurts. I miss my ex best friend who I fucked over. I miss the man I was supposed to be with. I'm deeply upset my friends have fallen out with me and aren't talking to me. I'm also angry and furious they would do this to me - that they would stop talking to me over some careless but not malicious words said. Honestly I just want REAL friends and a REAL partner. I'm so tired of the constant battle against social isolation and loneliness that feels impossible to beat. Rn I feel sick and like I can't function because my friend won't speak to me.
Tbf the friendship with the second friend was DEEPLY flawed and she makes me want to bang my head against a wall when things are going well between us like we are very different people and we disagree about fundamental things. But I think its the uncertainty of not knowing how we are doing. I just want her to speak to me normally again or break up with me - not this ignoring my messages and being cold with me shit. And same with the first friend. I want him to be in my life and there for me or I want him to break up with me. My friendship with him is DEEPLY flawed too. I told him about my problems that were making me suicidal back in 2025 and he said he won't speak to me about it with me even though he knew I was suicidal about it. He also told me I was selfish for talking about suicide all the time. It also seems like he often rolls his eyes at me, dismisses me, talks down to me and puts me down. But I don't have anyone in my life. I really wish I had friends in my life. A partner too. But atm friends rn would be so nice but good ones are so hard to find and in my case, even the good ones seem to go bad in the end. Or in some cases, I was the one who fucked up. And in many cases, they found "better" people and left me behind. I'm lonely, alone and I'm so stressed, anxious and feeling sick all the time, checking my phone again and again waiting for someone to message me so I can know where we stand but they aren't messaging me. Idk how to concentrate on applying for jobs and doing my shit when I'm so stressed, anxious and feeling sick about these friends (and are they even my friends idk? and should I even want them as friends idk?) not resolving our issues and not telling me where I stand. And who the fuck am I going to spend once a week with now? I could join a group or something maybe...its long though like I crave deep connections where we just click with each other and can be our full selves around each other and feel safe together. I miss having REAL friends and a REAL connection with a man as well.
Edit: she keeps reading my messages and not replying. This isn't like her. I know shes pissed. I strongly suspect I know why shes pissed. I am SO STRESSED. Idk what to do. Do I wait a little longer? Do I wait til tomorrow? The next day? The day after that? I feel sick. I feel like I should give her room to process it and tell me. I feel so sick I can't think clearly. When do I just straight up ask her whats wrong? Should I tell her I miss her? Its only been 3 days but thats a long time for me and her. And when shes sick, busy or when things are really bad for her she always tells me. But now nothing. I think shes being ridiculous. I'm pissed at her for not communicating openly and maturely. Why doesn't she just fucking say something? Why do I care so much? What do I do? Do I do something else? Do I say something? Do I wait for her? Its only been 3 days but I KNOW shes pissed at me. And I'm pretty sure I know why as well.
I'm so stressed. When the first friend fell out with me, I was so stressed I wasn't functioning that much for 3 days but then I was functioning after that but carrying the stress around with me like a ball of stress and anxiety in the pit of my stomach all the time. Now this friend has fallen out with me and I'm SO STRESSED. I'm stressed, I'm anxious, I can't get anything done because I keep checking her online status and rereading our messages and googling what to do and I'm just so stressed rn. I think its the not knowing that is driving me crazy. Idk whether things will ever be resolved between me and the first friend. I'm scared the second friend is going to do something dramatic like cut me out or distance from me or something like that. Idk whats going to happen and its stressing me out.
These friendships were flawed before all of this started but they are all I have. I am long term unemployed, socially isolated, I think I would like to get my life together although even saying that scares me. But I'm stressed. I'm 29, almost 30, my last few friendships are failing, I accidentally fucked over my true best friend in life 5 years ago and she will never take me back, I have no partner and I've never had a partner, I feel sick, stressed and anxious, I feel deeply ashamed that I haven't worked or left the house in 4 years and I'm scared anyone I see from my past now will think I am a pathetic weak loser. I feel sick and a pang of pain every time I think of the man I was supposed to end up with but didn't. He is very happy and in love with his gf who is perfect for him and they post on social media all the time. It hurts. I miss my ex best friend who I fucked over. I miss the man I was supposed to be with. I'm deeply upset my friends have fallen out with me and aren't talking to me. I'm also angry and furious they would do this to me - that they would stop talking to me over some careless but not malicious words said. Honestly I just want REAL friends and a REAL partner. I'm so tired of the constant battle against social isolation and loneliness that feels impossible to beat. Rn I feel sick and like I can't function because my friend won't speak to me.
Tbf the friendship with the second friend was DEEPLY flawed and she makes me want to bang my head against a wall when things are going well between us like we are very different people and we disagree about fundamental things. But I think its the uncertainty of not knowing how we are doing. I just want her to speak to me normally again or break up with me - not this ignoring my messages and being cold with me shit. And same with the first friend. I want him to be in my life and there for me or I want him to break up with me. My friendship with him is DEEPLY flawed too. I told him about my problems that were making me suicidal back in 2025 and he said he won't speak to me about it with me even though he knew I was suicidal about it. He also told me I was selfish for talking about suicide all the time. It also seems like he often rolls his eyes at me, dismisses me, talks down to me and puts me down. But I don't have anyone in my life. I really wish I had friends in my life. A partner too. But atm friends rn would be so nice but good ones are so hard to find and in my case, even the good ones seem to go bad in the end. Or in some cases, I was the one who fucked up. And in many cases, they found "better" people and left me behind. I'm lonely, alone and I'm so stressed, anxious and feeling sick all the time, checking my phone again and again waiting for someone to message me so I can know where we stand but they aren't messaging me. Idk how to concentrate on applying for jobs and doing my shit when I'm so stressed, anxious and feeling sick about these friends (and are they even my friends idk? and should I even want them as friends idk?) not resolving our issues and not telling me where I stand. And who the fuck am I going to spend once a week with now? I could join a group or something maybe...its long though like I crave deep connections where we just click with each other and can be our full selves around each other and feel safe together. I miss having REAL friends and a REAL connection with a man as well.
Edit: she keeps reading my messages and not replying. This isn't like her. I know shes pissed. I strongly suspect I know why shes pissed. I am SO STRESSED. Idk what to do. Do I wait a little longer? Do I wait til tomorrow? The next day? The day after that? I feel sick. I feel like I should give her room to process it and tell me. I feel so sick I can't think clearly. When do I just straight up ask her whats wrong? Should I tell her I miss her? Its only been 3 days but thats a long time for me and her. And when shes sick, busy or when things are really bad for her she always tells me. But now nothing. I think shes being ridiculous. I'm pissed at her for not communicating openly and maturely. Why doesn't she just fucking say something? Why do I care so much? What do I do? Do I do something else? Do I say something? Do I wait for her? Its only been 3 days but I KNOW shes pissed at me. And I'm pretty sure I know why as well.
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