Story 1st post - silently suffering

[calminorcal]

Hello all,

I'm new here and feeling both saddened and comforted by what I'm reading. I'm in my 40s, first had sucidal thoughts in my late teens, then mostly absent for 2+decades, until the past few years. They've been relatively passive over the years, but have become more active recently. The thoughts were particularly intense about a year ago, intrusive, almost painful, for several days at a time. By external accounts I "should" be very happy -- successful career, physically healthy, wife and 2 young kids. Inside I very often feel like a failure. Failing at my career. Failing as a husband. Failing as a father. I feel most confused as a parent; I was raised by a single teen mom, who turned into an alcoholic during my late childhood into early adulthood, now sober. My dad was never in the picture.
I really don't think I want to die. I want to be a good dad.
grateful to be here, thanks for reading.

 

[Pure]

What have you tried to help with the thoughts?

 

[Rustysoupcan]

Hello, I hope you find some comfort in being here. welcome to the club

 

[eternalmelancholy]

Hello and welcome. It must be extra stressful having to worry about your family on top of everything else. Keeping these feelings secret from everyone else is so draining. But you have nothing to be ashamed of. Suicide is not a crime. Being depressed is not a crime. Even though we are treated as criminals by society. This is a great place to talk about things you could never do anywhere else.

 

[tieiwi]

Hi! Welcome! I recently made an account on here as well and it has helped me a lot. Everyone on here has been very helpful and understanding. I actually came on here to clarify some questions I had about a method I wanted to use. But I have decided to stay because I have been able to post my thoughts on here with no shame or guilt! I'm wishing you the best!

 

[Idontrecognizemyself]

Sending you so much love. It's so hard forging your own path when you never had the role models. I have a similar "I don't think I want to die" mindset. I'll be looking out for your username around the recovery forum, it's been a really healthy place for me since I got here : )

 

[N1KO]

Sometimes we just want to take a break from the life we have. Suicide of course would come to mind, but it is too easy & too permanent. I hope you find a way to express those feelings to those close to you, as they are the ones who can help you by being physically there and connect with you.

 

[calminorcal]

Thanks for understanding.

What have you tried to help with the thoughts?

Over the years when they were infrequent and mostly passive I think I would just tolerate them, stuff them down. In the more recent times when they've been really intense I feel overwhelmed. I cry in the car or bathroom, scream into a pillow, sit in a dark room, isolate, don't eat, clean the house, work more. Longer term I exercise, try to journal, try to connect to a greater purpose, let little pieces out to my wife, and I did tell two friends last year when I felt really terrible. and now ss...

Hello and welcome. It must be extra stressful having to worry about your family on top of everything else. Keeping these feelings secret from everyone else is so draining. But you have nothing to be ashamed of.

thank you. yes, this resonates

Sometimes we just want to take a break from the life we have. Suicide of course would come to mind, but it is too easy & too permanent. I hope you find a way to express those feelings to those close to you, as they are the ones who can help you by being physically there and connect with you.

yes, I agree, this is my hope too

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand it is hard to carry on when you are suffering so much, living really is painful. I'm sorry you are going through this. I wish you the best whatever happens.

 

[Pure]

Longer term I exercise, try to journal, try to connect to a greater purpose, let little pieces out to my wife, and I did tell two friends last year when I felt really terrible. and now ss...

I think you're in a better position than most people are (successful career, marriage, children you love, you don't actually want to die, good support system) so I say with all sincerity that you have a lot of leeway in trying out different things that can help you.

Journaling and exercising are really good so you should continue them on a regular basis. Throw in meditation and yoga too. Also make sure you're eating healthy.

You need to see a therapist as soon as possible which is the first and most important step imo. DBT is the best therapeutic treatment for persistent suicidality. If you and your therapist don't think 1x per week therapy is enough there are more intense treatments like iop, php, and residential treatments. Afterwards I think it's definitely worthwhile to try various medications/drugs to see which works for you.

The bare minimum is trying out some sort of antidepressant. I won't lie and say antidepressants will definitely be a 100% cure and the adjustment period can be a bit difficult but it's definitely something you should try with your pcp/gp (assuming they're an actual phsyician with a medical degree like MD/DO/MBBS) or seek a psychiatrist. Lots of people get benefit from antidepressants so it's worth a shot. Hell there's even blood tests to see which medication works best for your body.

If the antidepressants aren't working there's still other drugs that can be tried. Ketamine treatment (from a clinic) is expensive but majority of people who try it get rapid and long lasting relief from their depression. Last case scenario there's some scientific evidence and lots of anecdotal evidence that psilocybin, lsd, and dmt (ie ayahuasca) can really help with alleviating depression.

I'm not gonna lie and say this whole process is quick and easy but the potential benefits are definitely worth it.

I really hope everything works out good!