Venting 1st CTB attempt anniversary

[3FailedAttemptss]

So today marks the one-year anniversary of my first suicide attempt, and I have mixed feelings. It feels weird having lived one year longer than what I intended on, and I just feel like a fraud, an imposter, I feel like a phony, I feel like a wannabe, I feel like I should be dead, but I'm not. I've lived an entire extra year. Its frustrating knowing the method I chose a year ago was suboptimal, and if I knew then what I know now, things would have been different. I wouldn't be sitting here with my anniversary of a suicide attempt, I would just be dead, except now I have the pleasure of celebrating that damn anniversary in a psychiatric ward exactly because of suicidality. I suppose the only 'good' thing that's come out of this prolonging of my death is that I've learned a lot about myself in the past year, and I've been diagnosed with a severe schizophrenia spectrum mental illness. But in the end, it doesn't matter. I still want to die, and I intend on killing myself once I get the opportunity.

I just felt like sharing this. It felt like such a weird milestone to sit alone with in my room. One year since my first suicide attempt. I just feel so pathetic because of it. I really, really feel pathetic.

 

[melonpan]

Same here, except mine was a month ago
I just haven't attempted again because I don't want to fail. It honestly feels surreal too because you're just thinking "how and why am I still alive? All these other people succeed yet I'm just existing."

Well, at the very least, despite anything I say and despite all my suicide delusions, I know that you shouldn't feel pathetic for not dying but be more proud of the fact you kept this up (living) for so long.