12 hours time until ctb by SN (goodbye thread)

[peacecomingsoon]

hey everyone again. Just posting my final thread here, 12 hours before my planned ctb time (12am, located in Australia). I'll be going by SN >99% purity and in a hotel in a different city. I should be leaving for the hotel shortly, have already packed my bag and things. About to change into my chosen clothes now and have printed my note to family already too. Feeling nervous now, but also so relieved that today is finally the day. It's a difficult decision, but it's looking like things will work out and everything is going to plan so far.

My protocol (previously posted too) is here:
- 20 SN 99% purity (10g each cup, I'm light, sensitive to substances and don't mind it taking a bit longer)
- Mylanta/antacid (double dose of what is recommended on label)
- Paracetamol 1000mg

1. Fast for 8-12 hours (likely 12 hrs, from 12pm onward)
2. Two hours before, stop drinking liquids (10pm)
3. One hour before, 1000mg paracetamol (11pm)
4. Forty minutes before, begin dissolving SN into both cups in 50-100ml water (10g per cup, two cups)
5. Fifteen minutes before, antacid double dose (11:45pm)
6. Put note outside hotel room door to 'call police if I don't answer the door at checkout time, do not enter' (11:50pm)
7. Lock hotel room door and barricade with chairs/desk/furniture (police will be looking for me and could find me - is this required, to barricade?)
8. Listen to final chosen songs and drink SN solution, lay back on chair or bed and relax (12am)
9. Potentially chew on gum afterward and bring mouthwash to reduce the aftertaste

I begin fasting in 25 minutes approximately and it's starting to all feel real. This is really happening, I can hardly believe it actually. I feel so calm though. Sometimes, my heart starts to beat a little fast, realising what's about to come into action, but mostly I'm clear-headed. Honestly even though I'm quite young (19), I feel I've lived for too long already. Like I have nothing in common with others my age and wasn't made for this world. This makes me even more certain that the only way out of all this pain is death. Because even when I'm well mentally and not depressed, I don't have meaning or a purpose or feel any fulfillment in my life. Right now, I am depressed and it has become even more obvious that my suicide was always inevitable and the only permanent solution to all this. I'm so glad that I get to choose and have the ability to end this relentless cycle of yearly depressive episodes and pain. The treatments, medications, therapy, it all doesn't help and if you actually want 'real' help, it's expensive and inaccessible. Along with taking so much effort, energy and motivation which I do not have. The forced hospital admissions and forced medications certainly don't help either and I'm tired of it all and this broken system. I just can't go on like this anymore and I want it to stop. I want everything to stop and can't take it any longer.

So, I want to thank everyone once more here at SaSu, it's been really special, being part of this community before ctb and has meant a lot. This community is so kind, helpful and accepting. The wealth of resources and knowledge here provide people in pain the information to be able to pass peacefully and I appreciate this very much. I hope this has meant something to someone or any of my contributions here really, and will continue to post updates about my journey over the next 12 hours here too. Hopefully I will be at peace soon. :)

 

[39hatsune]

i hope you will find peace whether you follow through with ctb or reconsidering and giving life another shot, im sure you are more loved than you know

 

[NearlyIrrelevantCake]

Godspeed.

 

[peacecomingsoon]

Leaving home now, time to catch the bus (literally!) soon :)

 

[JassieDusk]

I felt everything you wrote, as if I was the one experiencing all of this. I felt heartbroken that life didn't offer you the peace you were searching for so you had to look for it in death, yet I still feel so damn happy for you and others who managed to escape this never ending cycle of hellish nightmares.
I hope me and others searching for peace will join you soon too.
We love and support you in whatever decision you make

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

Wishing you peace and happiness away from this horrible planet.

 

[crazyotterkelly]

hey op :) wishing you peace. curious to ask if you could drop your source for sn? trying to look for a decent source in AUS that doesn't check for licencing. even if its by dm to not expose and keep it safe? thanks :) if not thats fine

 

[peacecomingsoon]

Just providing an update: have now caught my first buses and am waiting at the train station to catch my train. The train journey will take over an hour and then one more bus to reach the hotel!

hoping to walk on the beach one last time before ctb too. thank you so much everyone for your support, it really means a lot.

 

[Realog11]

hey everyone again. Just posting my final thread here, 12 hours before my planned ctb time (12am, located in Australia). I'll be going by SN >99% purity and in a hotel in a different city. I should be leaving for the hotel shortly, have already packed my bag and things. About to change into my chosen clothes now and have printed my note to family already too. Feeling nervous now, but also so relieved that today is finally the day. It's a difficult decision, but it's looking like things will work out and everything is going to plan so far.

My protocol (previously posted too) is here:
- 20 SN 99% purity (10g each cup, I'm light, sensitive to substances and don't mind it taking a bit longer)
- Mylanta/antacid (double dose of what is recommended on label)
- Paracetamol 1000mg

1. Fast for 8-12 hours (likely 12 hrs, from 12pm onward)
2. Two hours before, stop drinking liquids (10pm)
3. One hour before, 1000mg paracetamol (11pm)
4. Forty minutes before, begin dissolving SN into both cups in 50-100ml water (10g per cup, two cups)
5. Fifteen minutes before, antacid double dose (11:45pm)
6. Put note outside hotel room door to 'call police if I don't answer the door at checkout time, do not enter' (11:50pm)
7. Lock hotel room door and barricade with chairs/desk/furniture (police will be looking for me and could find me - is this required, to barricade?)
8. Listen to final chosen songs and drink SN solution, lay back on chair or bed and relax (12am)
9. Potentially chew on gum afterward and bring mouthwash to reduce the aftertaste

I begin fasting in 25 minutes approximately and it's starting to all feel real. This is really happening, I can hardly believe it actually. I feel so calm though. Sometimes, my heart starts to beat a little fast, realising what's about to come into action, but mostly I'm clear-headed. Honestly even though I'm quite young (19), I feel I've lived for too long already. Like I have nothing in common with others my age and wasn't made for this world. This makes me even more certain that the only way out of all this pain is death. Because even when I'm well mentally and not depressed, I don't have meaning or a purpose or feel any fulfillment in my life. Right now, I am depressed and it has become even more obvious that my suicide was always inevitable and the only permanent solution to all this. I'm so glad that I get to choose and have the ability to end this relentless cycle of yearly depressive episodes and pain. The treatments, medications, therapy, it all doesn't help and if you actually want 'real' help, it's expensive and inaccessible. Along with taking so much effort, energy and motivation which I do not have. The forced hospital admissions and forced medications certainly don't help either and I'm tired of it all and this broken system. I just can't go on like this anymore and I want it to stop. I want everything to stop and can't take it any longer.

So, I want to thank everyone once more here at SaSu, it's been really special, being part of this community before ctb and has meant a lot. This community is so kind, helpful and accepting. The wealth of resources and knowledge here provide people in pain the information to be able to pass peacefully and I appreciate this very much. I hope this has meant something to someone or any of my contributions here really, and will continue to post updates about my journey over the next 12 hours here too. Hopefully I will be at peace soon. :)

How much do you weight

 

[flying_penguien]

I do wish there was an easier way to ctb, what you described is heavy work involved, I'm sorry that life didn't offer you happiness, I do hope that you can reconsider, you sound like a genuine person who just wants to be happy, I hope you can find happiness and solace in the after life if there is any, I still hope that you reconsider your decisions,

 

[darksouls]

good luck,
I hope everything goes well for you
and you find the peace you deserve

 

[MissAbyss]

️ I wish you eternal peace ️

 

[peacecomingsoon]

How much do you weight

I weigh 60kg.
Made it to the beach! It's beautiful and I'm just walking on it a bit longer before heading to the hotel to check in. I'm so glad I made here.

I believe it's likely my family have already reported me missing… time to be more careful around phone usage and I'll come back on later with more updates :) thank you so much everyone.

 

[peacecomingsoon]

update: made it to my hotel! After so long travelling I feel exhausted and so relieved I made it without interruption. It is now around 6ish hours until I ctb… so I'll probably take a short nap now, relax and post another update when the time is closer.

 

[srilankanbeyotch]

wish you luck and peace!

 

[Realog11]

update: made it to my hotel! After so long travelling I feel exhausted and so relieved I made it without interruption. It is now around 6ish hours until I ctb… so I'll probably take a short nap now, relax and post another update when the time is closer.

Good luck I'm doing it tomorrow too

 

[dalemar]

I wish you all the best.
I hope you can find your peace!

 

[ipmanwc0]

6. Put note outside hotel room door to 'call police if I don't answer the door at checkout time, do not enter' (11:50pm)

Not sure if I would recommend doing this, on one hand it might traumatize someone who walks in, but it also highly jeopardizes your attempt, since any staff and people staying there will probably call the police immediately.

 

[Wishingforadream]

Wish you all the best!

 

[Theresnoescape]

I wish you all the best, good luck.

 

[peacecomingsoon]

Not sure if I would recommend doing this, on one hand it might traumatize someone who walks in, but it also highly jeopardizes your attempt, since any staff and people staying there will probably call the police immediately.

Yeah sorry, I changed this actually in my plan. I just copied and pasted from my previous plan/post on here as I was tired to write it all out again and forgot to edit. Thanks for mentioning though and I agree!

 

[Exhausted546]

Hope you're alright

 

[peacecomingsoon]

Hope you're alright

I am yeah. I just woke from a short nap before. Listening to my last music/songs playlist while I wait.

I did though get contacted by police not long ago, never replied though and ended up blocking the number instead. The officer who contacted me is also in my home city, not the city I'm in currently so I think I'm okay and they probably don't know where I am (fingers crossed)… In about 1 hour or a bit longer I'll begin my water fast (2 hours before ctb) and then 1 hour after that paracetamol. Will keep everyone updated :)

 

[nitrogenous]

hey everyone again. Just posting my final thread here, 12 hours before my planned ctb time (12am, located in Australia). I'll be going by SN >99% purity and in a hotel in a different city. I should be leaving for the hotel shortly, have already packed my bag and things. About to change into my chosen clothes now and have printed my note to family already too. Feeling nervous now, but also so relieved that today is finally the day. It's a difficult decision, but it's looking like things will work out and everything is going to plan so far.

My protocol (previously posted too) is here:
- 20 SN 99% purity (10g each cup, I'm light, sensitive to substances and don't mind it taking a bit longer)
- Mylanta/antacid (double dose of what is recommended on label)
- Paracetamol 1000mg

1. Fast for 8-12 hours (likely 12 hrs, from 12pm onward)
2. Two hours before, stop drinking liquids (10pm)
3. One hour before, 1000mg paracetamol (11pm)
4. Forty minutes before, begin dissolving SN into both cups in 50-100ml water (10g per cup, two cups)
5. Fifteen minutes before, antacid double dose (11:45pm)
6. Put note outside hotel room door to 'call police if I don't answer the door at checkout time, do not enter' (11:50pm)
7. Lock hotel room door and barricade with chairs/desk/furniture (police will be looking for me and could find me - is this required, to barricade?)
8. Listen to final chosen songs and drink SN solution, lay back on chair or bed and relax (12am)
9. Potentially chew on gum afterward and bring mouthwash to reduce the aftertaste

I begin fasting in 25 minutes approximately and it's starting to all feel real. This is really happening, I can hardly believe it actually. I feel so calm though. Sometimes, my heart starts to beat a little fast, realising what's about to come into action, but mostly I'm clear-headed. Honestly even though I'm quite young (19), I feel I've lived for too long already. Like I have nothing in common with others my age and wasn't made for this world. This makes me even more certain that the only way out of all this pain is death. Because even when I'm well mentally and not depressed, I don't have meaning or a purpose or feel any fulfillment in my life. Right now, I am depressed and it has become even more obvious that my suicide was always inevitable and the only permanent solution to all this. I'm so glad that I get to choose and have the ability to end this relentless cycle of yearly depressive episodes and pain. The treatments, medications, therapy, it all doesn't help and if you actually want 'real' help, it's expensive and inaccessible. Along with taking so much effort, energy and motivation which I do not have. The forced hospital admissions and forced medications certainly don't help either and I'm tired of it all and this broken system. I just can't go on like this anymore and I want it to stop. I want everything to stop and can't take it any longer.

So, I want to thank everyone once more here at SaSu, it's been really special, being part of this community before ctb and has meant a lot. This community is so kind, helpful and accepting. The wealth of resources and knowledge here provide people in pain the information to be able to pass peacefully and I appreciate this very much. I hope this has meant something to someone or any of my contributions here really, and will continue to post updates about my journey over the next 12 hours here too. Hopefully I will be at peace soon. :)

Hey mate, I'm from the other post and I just want to say it's nice interacting with you, even briefly. I wish you all the best and I hope you can get the peace you needed

 

[interna]

you sound nice. good luck. how's it going so far? how's your nerves? i could never deal with with so much anticipation, i'd start feeling funny and the doubts would get to me

 

[Macedonian1987]

When you said i was just not born for this world... that stroke a chord with me. I have been living like that for 38 years
Even when i was just 5 or 6 years old i knew thwt somethinf was not right. I felt like im in a wrong place. Every kid saw me as a diferent human being and they avoided me even back then. I spend 38 years without any friends or love life. I stayed so long because of my parents. I wanted to end it all when i was just 16.

I wish all the best. May you finally be free from your suffering. I will ctb by SN too in a year or two. Im prolonging it because of my parents. I dont want to devastate them with my death.

 

[peacecomingsoon]

Hey mate, I'm from the other post and I just want to say it's nice interacting with you, even briefly. I wish you all the best and I hope you can get the peace you needed

Hey! I was going to reply to your reply just before, but have to be honest right now have a headache plus stomach ache and not feeling so good.

I just want to say I'm really sorry for everything you're going through too, the system really needs to change its ways. I'm terrified of police finding me before I ingest the SN and being hospitalised.

also wish you peace. I really appreciate your kind words man :)

 

[nitrogenous]

Hey! I was going to reply to your reply just before, but have to be honest right now have a headache plus stomach ache and not feeling so good.

I just want to say I'm really sorry for everything you're going through too, the system really needs to change its ways. I'm terrified of police finding me before I ingest the SN and being hospitalised.

also wish you peace. I really appreciate your kind words man :)

Thanks mate, these words really matter a lot to me. I'm so sorry you are hurting right now and hopefully it will be over soon so you can at least enjoy the last few moments. Honestly, I don't think the police can really find you that easily. Perhaps the biggest red flag would be in relation to your id when you checked in to the hotel? But other than that it's pretty impossible. With GPS, as far as I'm aware operators are only able to ping where you are to your nearest tower. So it will give an area name and not specifics. If there are lots of hotels around your area it will be harder for them to find you. I knew this is the case from some people who used to work with Lifeline and how they tried to fish information of where people are in relations to 000 by sussing out where they are using the background noise on the phone (so don't pick up the phone call). Hope this helps mate.

 

[peacecomingsoon]

you sound nice. good luck. how's it going so far? how's your nerves? i could never deal with with so much anticipation, i'd start feeling funny and the doubts would get to me

thank you :)

so far I was just feeling really tired, headache, after the long journey and fasting. nerves were pretty good and I was actually pretty happy/relieved just before. I am starting to get a little more nervous now though as the time approaches. I really hope I'll have the courage to push through and drink it all at the time. I imagine SI will kick in pretty badly once I taste the saltiness everyone talks about though lol. The music I'm listening to is calming me down anyways, so for now I'm good :)

I'll keep this thread updated though around my feelings, thoughts and symptoms after ingestion, especially as the time comes closer. Here's a photo of the SN too, I weighed it at home and this is 20g total.

When you said i was just not born for this world... that stroke a chord with me. I have been living like that for 38 years
Even when i was just 5 or 6 years old i knew thwt somethinf was not right. I felt like im in a wrong place. Every kid saw me as a diferent human being and they avoided me even back then. I spend 38 years without any friends or love life. I stayed so long because of my parents. I wanted to end it all when i was just 16.

I wish all the best. May you finally be free from your suffering. I will ctb by SN too in a year or two. Im prolonging it because of my parents. I dont want to devastate them with my death.

I really feel for you, truly. It's so tough and I also wish I had and could've stayed for my parents, but I can't wait several more decades. You are very brave and strong to have waited so long for them, really. It hurts so much that feeling and I guess confirms that there is no other option than ctb further for me. Nothing can fix this feeling for me.

I'm so sorry you're hurting too and also wish you only the very best and freedom from your pain.

Thanks mate, these words really matter a lot to me. I'm so sorry you are hurting right now and hopefully it will be over soon so you can at least enjoy the last few moments. Honestly, I don't think the police can really find you that easily. Perhaps the biggest red flag would be in relation to your id when you checked in to the hotel? But other than that it's pretty impossible. With GPS, as far as I'm aware operators are only able to ping where you are to your nearest tower. So it will give an area name and not specifics. If there are lots of hotels around your area it will be harder for them to find you. I knew this is the case from some people who used to work with Lifeline and how they tried to fish information of where people are in relations to 000 by sussing out where they are using the background noise on the phone (so don't pick up the phone call). Hope this helps mate.

Yeah, I'm just quite worried because I've definitely been reported missing by my family by now and likely high risk type situation due to my past history. I agree though and think it's unlikely they'll find me in time anyways. I did pay with Apple Pay though, the motel a few hours ago at check in, as I didn't have time to go to an ATM and get cash. This was definitely a mistake but still think it's unlikely they'll reach me in time. Thanks so much for all the info too, it means a lot and you seem like a really kind person.

 

[Exhausted546]

Hey! I was going to reply to your reply just before, but have to be honest right now have a headache plus stomach ache and not feeling so good.

I just want to say I'm really sorry for everything you're going through too, the system really needs to change its ways. I'm terrified of police finding me before I ingest the SN and being hospitalised.

also wish you peace. I really appreciate your kind words man :)

I'm sorry to hear this...
How do you think the police knows? Did you send goodbye texts?