Help I was told to post this here.

[nottinghams]

So I absolutely still do want to die so IDK why I was told to post here but
I am so so so so so so tired of typing this over and over and over.

No its not about ctb and assistance with that. I have that down clean.
It's about the fact I am unable to yet, mentally/medically.

First off ive been suffering from fevers and other conditions for months that tests have come back negative except for a few which I'm due to see specialists in about a month. OK. Fine. Don't care, I want to ctb.
Except about a week ago I have trouble walking, seeing, confusion, memory loss, sensitivity to light, etc. That starts to decline, but what starts up is confusion, fear, panic, and delirium (like the world and me are off. Ever been so high on weed and maybe a few other things that things feel off, like a fever dream? Yeah, that's how I feel all the time now. Sober)

see, I'm on psychiatric meds, but those have been stable for months. I have been stable for months. Hell, I'm functional, can go to school, work part-time at my job, my boss loves me. But try getting people around you to believe your delirium is neurological and not psychiatric.

I see my psychiatric to discuss 'side effects' of my 'meds'. but she believes me. nice! she says she'll try to call for a sooner appointment with neurology.

I knew I was strangely sick but I never expected to be effected by it in this way. I way that makes me not afraid to die, but so delirious I feel weird finally getting what I want for months.

But my fear is: Is it medical? Or something else sadly unavoidable? I do feel quite scared that my heart might break all the time, which indicates medical. But I also didn't think I'd be alive this long. I was chill through the winter getting this. I didn't want to make it to 2024, but I did. It upset me but I got over it. same thing with the springtime which I even enjoyed. but suddenly things got greener and the buds turned into leaves. leaves. Something about the leaves and the rest of the summery april-may climate greatly made me feel even more delirious. I LOVE summer, like most people, but I think there's too many bad memories surrounding it and being stuck, missing stuff and bad memories. If you need me to explain that (or anything else) in greater detail I will.

I suddenly don't feel 'connected' with the reason I want to die (confusion and delirium) and now I'm worried I've been alive too long and I have to force a suicide while feeling sick and scared of the summer like this. Obviously don't want to wait till Autumn.

Why don't I feel excited? I have been for most of the year obtaining my method (with some heartbreaks of course) I know its not suddenly cold feet because I don''t want to be alive any longer. whenever I was upset aboout changing of years or seasons like I said before, I got over myself. This feels abstract and insurmountable.

Which is it? If I go to a doctor how can I convince them to prescribe a helping drug (since how I feel is a non-lifethreatening, non-psychiatric medical emergency). If only I was certain its medical. then I woould just have to hammer my doctors.
I know it must seem silly, wanting to feel better from this to die, but obviously its difficult enough to produce that dilemma.
I really hope its not just the unavoidable change of seasons.
Those are the two reasons I needed help with it on this forum. People who understand I want to get better NOW so I can ctb and for my own reasons. To think with me on how to convince doctors. Or to deal with the possibility the changing seasons was too much. You know?

I'm just so afraid cause I can feel the fear/delirium settling in as maybe a state of mind and it breaks my heart. I want too feel like 'myself' again before I die. It's that bad. It feels like a sickness, but who knows?
I need to know:
1. Is it medical/treatable or not? Just me?
2. if its not medical/no longer treatable I need somebody to help me fix this enough so I feel like I CAN die :( It's impossible to describe.
3. if its medical perhaps someone with some knowledge can help me convince my docs for help.

Please help me here, all I want is help for this, so please be kind. Not many places whereelse I can ask for help and say its because of suicide.

 

[willitpass]

No one online can diagnose an anonymous poster on a forum with anything. Especially when we don't even know what your symptoms are other than fever, delirium, and "other conditions". There is not nearly enough information for someone to take a guess if they wanted to, and again, no one can figure out what's going wrong from a forum post. You will have to continue to see doctors, go to that specialist appointment. If you believe it is medical and not psych, then push your doctors to look further into it. Unfortunately there isn't anything we can do for you here other than offer support.

 

[nottinghams]

No one online can diagnose an anonymous poster on a forum with anything. Especially when we don't even know what your symptoms are other than fever, delirium, and "other conditions". There is not nearly enough information for someone to take a guess if they wanted to, and again, no one can figure out what's going wrong from a forum post. You will have to continue to see doctors, go to that specialist appointment. If you believe it is medical and not psych, then push your doctors to look further into it. Unfortunately there isn't anything we can do for you here other than offer support.

then what is "offer support" what do you mean, pity?
Please read the post in its entirety. I didn't ask anything you say I did. People have brains, I'd assume, on here, and can offer advice without being liscensed. if you're scared to help, or do not know how to, please do not comment. your reply was despairing to read.

1. Is it medical/treatable or not? Just me?
2. if its not medical/no longer treatable I need somebody to help me fix this enough so I feel like I CAN die :( It's impossible to describe.
3. if its medical perhaps someone with some knowledge can help me convince my docs for help.

1. is asking somebody's OPINION on this. If you READ the post, you see me deliberating and suspecting that it may be my own stress. Though I feel I cannot die like this. If it is my own stress I want help figuring out what to do about that. Because I genuinely do not know. A doctor cannot help with that, because I cannot tell a doctor I am going to kill myself.

As for that 'specialist' appointment, here again you did not read, it is a month later, I am in pain now, I want to die now, I cannot. stop creating problems. I have had IMMENSE difficulty getting to see a doctor right now who knows what to do for this flare up. yeah im not dying im in pain. but that's not even primarily what I'm asking on this forum!

I cannot tell a doctor, or a family member, that I am going to kill myself. right now this thing is so bad I feel like I cannot kill myself, though I want to. So I have to ask for help resolving this from people who know more than me, on this forum, because here I can talk about killing myself and not be gagged and straightjacketed.


Is there ANYONE who will help me and NOT be rude??

 

[Ash]

Nobody has been rude. But if you want a medical diagnosis then you need to stick to the path you're already taking and wait for your appointment. I'd suggest writing everything down in bullet points, taking a timeline of symptoms, medications, any supporting letters and documents etc.

But wait for that professional appointment and please do not pin your hopes on a bunch of strangers on the internet, especially you have no way of checking anybody's credentials or references.

 

[willitpass]

then what is "offer support" what do you mean, pity?
Please read the post in its entirety. I didn't ask anything you say I did. People have brains, I'd assume, on here, and can offer advice without being liscensed. if you're scared to help, or do not know how to, please do not comment. your reply was despairing to read.

1. Is it medical/treatable or not? Just me?
2. if its not medical/no longer treatable I need somebody to help me fix this enough so I feel like I CAN die :( It's impossible to describe.
3. if its medical perhaps someone with some knowledge can help me convince my docs for help.

1. is asking somebody's OPINION on this. If you READ the post, you see me deliberating and suspecting that it may be my own stress. Though I feel I cannot die like this. If it is my own stress I want help figuring out what to do about that. Because I genuinely do not know. A doctor cannot help with that, because I cannot tell a doctor I am going to kill myself.

As for that 'specialist' appointment, here again you did not read, it is a month later, I am in pain now, I want to die now, I cannot. stop creating problems. I have had IMMENSE difficulty getting to see a doctor right now who knows what to do for this flare up. yeah im not dying im in pain. but that's not even primarily what I'm asking on this forum!

I cannot tell a doctor, or a family member, that I am going to kill myself. right now this thing is so bad I feel like I cannot kill myself, though I want to. So I have to ask for help resolving this from people who know more than me, on this forum, because here I can talk about killing myself and not be gagged and straightjacketed.


Is there ANYONE who will help me and NOT be rude??

My intention was not at all to be rude, I was answering those three questions with what information you put out. I work in healthcare but ultimately those symptoms could match up with both psychological/stress related issues or a physical condition and there is simply no way to know without further physical testing. I live in pain every single day, I know how awful it is and how waiting for appointments and answers can feel impossible. If you are in this immense of pain and want relief from a doctor see if there is somewhere like an urgent care that you can get into sooner and really push for answers. Or call the specialist who you are seeing and see if they can get you in sooner. You asked for someone's opinion and I was in no way trying to be rude when I said there really isn't too much to do other than we can emotionally support you and be there for you to talk it all out while you sort things with a doctor. You said you suspect it's stress but aren't sure, and the only way to be sure is to push doctors to do more tests. In the meantime people often recommend stretching, meditation, over the counter painkillers, etc. I had no intention of coming off as rude.

 

[nottinghams]

My intention was not at all to be rude, I was answering those three questions with what information you put out. I work in healthcare but ultimately those symptoms could match up with both psychological/stress related issues or a physical condition and there is simply no way to know without further physical testing. I live in pain every single day, I know how awful it is and how waiting for appointments and answers can feel impossible. If you are in this immense of pain and want relief from a doctor see if there is somewhere like an urgent care that you can get into sooner and really push for answers. Or call the specialist who you are seeing and see if they can get you in sooner. You asked for someone's opinion and I was in no way trying to be rude when I said there really isn't too much to do other than we can emotionally support you and be there for you to talk it all out while you sort things with a doctor. You said you suspect it's stress but aren't sure, and the only way to be sure is to push doctors to do more tests. In the meantime people often recommend stretching, meditation, over the counter painkillers, etc. I had no intention of coming off as rude.

It's okay. um, if you're in healthcare, that might partially be why you don't understand what I'm saying so much.
I have done tests after tests, all the results that came back aren't super clear and I have, like I said, specialist appointments too far forward for intense suffering right now.
I said I have had flare ups. This is one, if that's where the symptoms are from. Considering they're matching things like difficulty walking, speaking, and malaise I would say its most likely medical?

but the pain is just really bad right now, and that's been my adventure so far of trying to see doctor's who'll listen. I'm glad you believe me, I'll talk about that if I need but..

if its partially or totally stress from change and seasons and memories and irreversible things, or even if care for this flare up isn't enough at this point, for whatever reason, that is issue I'm asking for help with on this forum. cuz if medicine wont work, then I need to find another way around this terrible feeling since I feel like I can't die right now. And I really don't want to be alive anymore.

Trust me when I say my psychiatric experience is awful and will absolutely not help if it is my own stress. I cannot tell them I want to die, so they'd never treat the true problem. especially since my main stress as I said may be tangible irreversible things. plus the fruitless effort will 100% span years.

So if its the tangible irreversible things, I still feel really too worse off to die right now. And I really do not know what to do. So I'm asking for someone to speak with me, help figure out what to do to get past this. We could start talking about drugs or alcohol to help, whether that will or not, etc...you know?

Nobody has been rude. But if you want a medical diagnosis then you need to stick to the path you're already taking and wait for your appointment. I'd suggest writing everything down in bullet points, taking a timeline of symptoms, medications, any supporting letters and documents etc.

But wait for that professional appointment and please do not pin your hopes on a bunch of strangers on the internet, especially you have no way of checking anybody's credentials or references.

the hopes im pinning are more designated if medicine wont help because im at a loss right now if this state of being isnt going to be helped by medicine..

Do you hear me? maybe i typed way way too much. That's my fault, sorry. what I want this suicide forum to help with is helping me get past this enough so I feel 'good' to die. you know? cause I got no clue if its not medical. But I need to start coming up with a way fast and just in case because its bad. too bad to die. I hope you understand.

 

[willitpass]

It's okay. um, if you're in healthcare, that might partially be why you don't understand what I'm saying so much.
I have done tests after tests, all the results that came back aren't super clear and I have, like I said, specialist appointments too far forward for intense suffering right now.
I said I have had flare ups. This is one, if that's where the symptoms are from. Considering they're matching things like difficulty walking, speaking, and malaise I would say its most likely medical?

but the pain is just really bad right now, and that's been my adventure so far of trying to see doctor's who'll listen. I'm glad you believe me, I'll talk about that if I need but..

if its partially or totally stress from change and seasons and memories and irreversible things, or even if care for this flare up isn't enough at this point, for whatever reason, that is issue I'm asking for help with on this forum. cuz if medicine wont work, then I need to find another way around this terrible feeling since I feel like I can't die right now. And I really don't want to be alive anymore.

Trust me when I say my psychiatric experience is awful and will absolutely not help if it is my own stress. I cannot tell them I want to die, so they'd never treat the true problem. especially since my main stress as I said may be tangible irreversible things. plus the fruitless effort will 100% span years.

So if its the tangible irreversible things, I still feel really too worse off to die right now. And I really do not know what to do. So I'm asking for someone to speak with me, help figure out what to do to get past this. We could start talking about drugs or alcohol to help, whether that will or not, etc...you know?

I work in healthcare and have also been a patient my whole life, so no working in healthcare has not made me not believe you. I am all too familiar with getting test after test after test with no answers or help. I understand what you are saying and I offered some things you may try in the meantime as well as ways to get seen sooner than your future appointments.

 

[Ash]

I am sorry you're struggling. But we can't tell you what to do. We can listen, we can empathise, some may even be able to tell you they've walked that particular road. But we can't make decisions for you or justify them or ease the way, which you seem to be asking in your second post.

If you decide you've reached the end of the road, then have a look at the resource compilation thread:

Suicide Resource Compilation

All the links to threads, videos, audio, downloads, and information found here are being made available only for educational purposes, and have been shared by users; we cannot assure the accuracy of the data. This means the way you use this data is fully your responsibility, that you need to...

sanctioned-suicide.net

 

[ConfusedClouds]

Equally, if it is stress you are potentially concerned about and want to trial addressing, it could be worth considering the resources that have been shared here in the recovery section such as the below. I am sorry you are struggling so much right now and wish you luck in finding ways to help reach your next appointments.

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/thre...booklets-digital-resources-megathread.138817/

Or

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/thre...xiety-attacks-and-emotional-overwhelm.151599/

Or

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/thre...things-i-do-to-lower-my-stress-levels.157181/

 

[nottinghams]

Equally, if it is stress you are potentially concerned about and want to trial addressing, it could be worth considering the resources that have been shared here in the recovery section such as the below. I am sorry you are struggling so much right now and wish you luck in finding ways to help reach your next appointments.

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/thre...booklets-digital-resources-megathread.138817/

Or

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/thre...xiety-attacks-and-emotional-overwhelm.151599/

Or

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/thre...things-i-do-to-lower-my-stress-levels.157181/

Thanks for the BS. I must be incoherent or making sense because nobody seems to be able to do what I ask. If you don't know how to help...say I don't know and point me to the next person. or just say "I hope someone can help you"

I am sorry you're struggling. But we can't tell you what to do. We can listen, we can empathise, some may even be able to tell you they've walked that particular road. But we can't make decisions for you or justify them or ease the way, which you seem to be asking in your second post.

If you decide you've reached the end of the road, then have a look at the resource compilation thread:

Suicide Resource Compilation

All the links to threads, videos, audio, downloads, and information found here are being made available only for educational purposes, and have been shared by users; we cannot assure the accuracy of the data. This means the way you use this data is fully your responsibility, that you need to...

sanctioned-suicide.net

When did I ever say I wanted somebody to tell me what to do? Why I am I so hard to understand? I'm not really even saying much more than what I DO want.

I have said again and again and again and again what it is I'm asking. I see posts here getting ooey-gooey support so surely I must be losing some cognitive function if im this difficult to understand.

I really am at a loss as how to make it clearer, and avoid these depressing responses.

Fuck medical help, I will ask that if I need. What I AM asking is, oh for God's sake, in pms..im asking for someone to help talk to me, about a problem that can only be discussed with people who know I'm suicidal and won't call 911 on me.

I cannot die feeling like this. I am curious if someone WISER than me has an idea, after they have read my post, thus gaining the history...if it seems to belong more to my medical problem or the stress I listed with irreversible things like the seasons, bad memories...
If that's too hard, or such a person and I together decide medicine will no longer reverse the damage, I need some other way to fix this. cause I cant die like this. and I really do not know what to do. and please don't list mental healthcare, that's just insulting on this forum..

If you see this and you want to reply with ACTUAL HELP than please pm me instead. Thank you.

 

[iloverachel]

these people are trying to help you

 

[nottinghams]

these people are trying to help you

If I'm telling them they're not, then they're not. If they don't understand...go away I guess?

 

[Dot]

1. Is it medical/treatable or not? Just me?

Am srry tht u r strgglng bt u hve bn tld alrdy tht ppl on th/ ste r nt qualfied t/ tll u tht

2. if its not medical/no longer treatable I need somebody to help me fix this enough so I feel like I CAN die :( It's impossible to describe.

Fx hw - no1 on th/ ste wll knw hw 2 fx ur symptms & ur currnt 'lack' of ctb urgs

3. if its medical perhaps someone with some knowledge can help me convince my docs for help.

Th/ advce givn 2 trck & note all symptms wth a tme-lne etc & t/ cntinu advoc8tng fr urslf = prbbly th/ bst tht cn b offrd rght nw

what I want this suicide forum to help with is helping me get past this enough so I feel 'good' to die. you know? cause I got no clue if its not medical. But I need to start coming up with a way fast and just in case because its bad. too bad to die. I hope you understand.

Tht = askng membrs t/ emotnlly coach or influnce u in2 a positn whre u cld ctb -- tht = nt allowd on th/ frum

Ppl on frum tlk abt thr feelngs in genrl & ppl empthse wth ech-othr & respct wht decsn a usr arrves @ bt thy wll nt hld ur hnd 2 hlp u reach a stge whre u wn2 ctb

Am srry bt tht = stge ft 2 u reach or nt reach on ur own

Ppl wh/ wnt 2 hlp u cn stll p.m bt am lockng ths thred bcse ths convrsatn travld in circls on prevs thred tht u mde & = goin th/ sme wy hre