Venting Zero friends is a huge factor for why I’m suicidal.

[anonbpdgirl]

I have no in real life friends.

Like, I'm not exaggerating. I have zero.

I'm in my mid-twenties and currently work in a small environment. Most of my co-workers are over 40. We're not ever going to cross the boundary and go into friendship. Not that you can't be friends with people outside your age group, but this is a small circle and I know already that I don't have anything in common with any of them besides the fact we work together.

I also am completing an MA at the moment. I have one more year, but I've made zero friends there either. It sucks. I don't know why. I am shy, but I do genuinely try to talk to people. It just never seems to go to anything more than just talking in class. I also make (what feels like) awkward comments all the time. I, like, can't carry a conversation at all. It feels like I've lost the ability to. I never used to be like this. Maybe my worsening BPD is a factor in this, but I've no clue... All I know is I'm friendless and so, so lonely.

I just want to make friends. It's even harder to try to join groups around me (I've been on Facebook and looked at reading groups, because I enjoy books and writing a lot), but everything's still fucked up because of COVID-19. Even if these varying groups were on, what's not to say that it will just end up like every other interaction I have? Awkwardly, full of stilted conversation and ending up being left out by everyone.

God, I want to fucking kill myself. I'm never going to get anywhere in life. I want to work in publishing or within writing so badly but I probably won't ever be able to get into the industry. Life wouldn't be so bad if I could at least work some other shitty-but-comfy job (general office, maybe?) and have some friends.

I can't even remember what it feels like to have friends. It's so sad. I am so alone.

- anonbpdgirl
x

 

[Dcap1]

same with me, I'm not even trying for friends anymore. It's just not worth the letdown that follows. Im not good with people and im not good when im alone..

 

[Deathbydemo]

I'm sorry. Life is cruel for so many good people.

 

[anonbpdgirl]

same with me, I'm not even trying for friends anymore. It's just not worth the letdown that follows. Im not good with people and im not good when im alone..

*Sigh*. What do we do? Do we just end it? I can't imagine a life without friends. I have a partner... they're amazing... but it's not enough. I miss friendship and the specific joy and laughter it gives you. I miss it so much, but I can't find it.

Is suicide the only option?

 

[Squiddy]

Since you're in college, can you join a club?

 

[Wayfaerer]

Why not just join a club or something?

 

[Squiddy]

Why not just join a club or something?

We said it at the same time lol

 

[Wayfaerer]

We said it at the same time lol

The exact same time lol

good minds think alike

 

[Squiddy]

The exact same time lol

good minds think alike

That's right

 

[anonbpdgirl]

Since you're in college, can you join a club?

Why not just join a club or something?

I mean, my post literally says that I've a) been trying to make friends at university and it has failed, and b) I've tried to recently join clubs but everything is down because of COVID-19.

 

[Squiddy]

I mean, my post literally says that I've a) been trying to make friends at university and it has failed, and b) I've tried to recently join clubs but everything is down because of COVID-19.

I would say why not join Meetup and try that, but I'm not sure because of covid

 

[ZardozOmega]

I don't have any either. I'm not particularly interesting and I don't have the will to put effort into a friendship.

 

[MrAsclepius]

A lot of us here have the same issues. I understand that online friends don't really cut it, especially when the people you meet already have IRL friends that come first. I pushed everyone away long ago and am just recently beginning to feel the full effect of loneliness. It's weird- so many people in a city and yet we are just alone in our miserable existence. I wish there was an answer or such, I've even been told to go outpatient just to meet people 'like me', obviously just a scheme to get me roped up into a hospital. I'd even considered reaching out to people I knew in the past, but it feels unfair to them for me to come and go seemingly as I please.

I'm with you in this..I'm sorry

 

[AwokenToReality]

This is my main reason for sure, and I resonate with how you feel. Have no friends outside, but luckily one good online friend, but it just doesn't cut it as @MrAsclepius mentioned above. It's just not the same, as if it was an IRL connection. I've been lonely for a long time now; I'm kind of at peace that that's how I'll be until my time comes though as times gone on.

 

[onlyeverexisting]

To echo OP, just joining a club doesn't mean you'll automatically make friends, even if you share interests. I definitely think it's still worth trying cause you never know, but it's not a guarantee. Both times I was in college, I joined a bunch of clubs and genuinely tried to connect and it made me feel even lonelier. I mean, how do you even find the energy to stay present when your brain is screaming at you to kill yourself while people around you are talking about the weather or some shit? Imo, it's so much worse to feel alone in a group of people than physically alone. You can actively feel yourself not belonging and being unable to share what you desperately need to share because:

1. The walls you've put up around yourself are almost impossible to tear down.

2. You can't start friendships by saying, "Hi, my name is onlyeverexisting. I'm genuinely interested in you as a person, but I've been severely depressed pretty much my entire life and I sabotage any chance I have at genuine connection because letting people in is absolutely terrifying- as I'm well aware my issues are incredibly taxing to deal with- while I simultaneously desperately need another human being to recognize my struggle, and this is really a last ditch effort to improve my existence since my brain never seems to stop telling me to kill myself no matter what I try. Nice to meet you. Real fine weather we're having. I'll probably have to be alone for 5 hours after this small interaction. Want to get coffee sometime?"

 

[Mort]

I have no in real life friends.

Like, I'm not exaggerating. I have zero.

I'm in my mid-twenties and currently work in a small environment. Most of my co-workers are over 40. We're not ever going to cross the boundary and go into friendship. Not that you can't be friends with people outside your age group, but this is a small circle and I know already that I don't have anything in common with any of them besides the fact we work together.

I also am completing an MA at the moment. I have one more year, but I've made zero friends there either. It sucks. I don't know why. I am shy, but I do genuinely try to talk to people. It just never seems to go to anything more than just talking in class. I also make (what feels like) awkward comments all the time. I, like, can't carry a conversation at all. It feels like I've lost the ability to. I never used to be like this. Maybe my worsening BPD is a factor in this, but I've no clue... All I know is I'm friendless and so, so lonely.

I just want to make friends. It's even harder to try to join groups around me (I've been on Facebook and looked at reading groups, because I enjoy books and writing a lot), but everything's still fucked up because of COVID-19. Even if these varying groups were on, what's not to say that it will just end up like every other interaction I have? Awkwardly, full of stilted conversation and ending up being left out by everyone.

God, I want to fucking kill myself. I'm never going to get anywhere in life. I want to work in publishing or within writing so badly but I probably won't ever be able to get into the industry. Life wouldn't be so bad if I could at least work some other shitty-but-comfy job (general office, maybe?) and have some friends.

I can't even remember what it feels like to have friends. It's so sad. I am so alone.

- anonbpdgirl
x

I found out for me any way i am better off without having any friends. Bin stabbed in the back so many now by so called friends that i know longer trust any one. Better of being of on my own to hell with other people o i apologise if i up set any one with that statement. Its just how i am with folks these days just ant got the time for them. Sad to say most guys cant be bother with them and sorry to say got even less time for women . They can rip you hart rite out and not give a dam and just lafe in your face for telling them that you love them and would do any thing for them . And they just stopped talking to you and not tell you why so your left with what the hell did i do wrong. In the end i just gave up on them just want nothing to do with people . Sorry if i made your depression worse.

 

[Nofuture0628]

I have no in real life friends.

Like, I'm not exaggerating. I have zero.

I'm in my mid-twenties and currently work in a small environment. Most of my co-workers are over 40. We're not ever going to cross the boundary and go into friendship. Not that you can't be friends with people outside your age group, but this is a small circle and I know already that I don't have anything in common with any of them besides the fact we work together.

I also am completing an MA at the moment. I have one more year, but I've made zero friends there either. It sucks. I don't know why. I am shy, but I do genuinely try to talk to people. It just never seems to go to anything more than just talking in class. I also make (what feels like) awkward comments all the time. I, like, can't carry a conversation at all. It feels like I've lost the ability to. I never used to be like this. Maybe my worsening BPD is a factor in this, but I've no clue... All I know is I'm friendless and so, so lonely.

I just want to make friends. It's even harder to try to join groups around me (I've been on Facebook and looked at reading groups, because I enjoy books and writing a lot), but everything's still fucked up because of COVID-19. Even if these varying groups were on, what's not to say that it will just end up like every other interaction I have? Awkwardly, full of stilted conversation and ending up being left out by everyone.

God, I want to fucking kill myself. I'm never going to get anywhere in life. I want to work in publishing or within writing so badly but I probably won't ever be able to get into the industry. Life wouldn't be so bad if I could at least work some other shitty-but-comfy job (general office, maybe?) and have some friends.

I can't even remember what it feels like to have friends. It's so sad. I am so alone.

- anonbpdgirl
x

i'm the same way. i have 0 friends. no one likes me because i'm worthless

 

[Deleted member 14386]

The only 'friends' I have are the occasional drunk homeless people who'll play while I'm juggling (trying to busk), but then they just steal most of the money :/
So yeah I have no friends either, apart from here

 

[Meditation guide]

got even less time for women .

Sounds like it's mutual.

 

[Mort]

Sounds like it's mutual.

I was tort to be nice and polite to people and be respectful to the ladys . I never ever hit any one in my life no matter how bad it got . I just use to walk away from them but no matter how polite and respectful you wereto folks i never ever got it back . They either take the mick out of you to your face . Or more likely the be nice to you face the go running of to they friends and take the mick out of you behind your back. Like they say nice guys dont get any were in life infact you mite as well have WELCOME tattoo to your forehead as people are just going to walk over you like a doormat. Took me a long time to work out the most people sooner crap on you than be nice to you . Now they just annoyens to me when i out and about just sum thing to get in my way when i am trying to do my shopping. Dam cant remember when i last whent out at the moment doing my shopping on line . I think its around six months ago dam long time haha one good thing about this bug thats going round keeping a lot of folks of the streets not so my folks to bump into now . Thats another thing i am not a small guy 6ft4 and 18 stone and people still walk into me what hell is with that and when they do bump into me they look up at me and make out its my fault for them walking into me .

 

[Meditation guide]

Thats another thing i am not a small guy 6ft4 and 18 stone and people still walk into me what hell is with that and when they do bump into me they look up at me and make out its my fault for them walking into me .

Thanks for making me laugh. I know exactly what you mean.

 

[feast or famine]

Friends? What are those? I share your pain with this.

 

[asani]

The same experience. I have no friends at all, no one to even play games with. My family doesn't notice me like I'm invisible, and when I'm telling my mom that I'm going to end my life she is just casually changing the topic to something like "so what did you eat?"
I'm absolutely alone in this world. All my attempts to have someone to just talk with have failed. I just don't try anymore because I know it's not gonna work out.

You're not alone. I'm with you in this.

 

[Romeo]

Same with me, sometimes I think I'm destined to live my entire life in solitude.

 

[After The End]

I am sorry to hear that. I also have no friends. As in literally zero, and only one living, present family member (though we seldom spend any time with one another)

You'd think with so many friendless people on SS making friends would be easy.

Oddly enough, I've found the opposite is true.

So apologies for offering nothing more than sympathy, but spending my finite emotional resources reaching out to people here has only left me feeling more alienated than ever.

Of course if anyone wants to reach out to me I won't ignore them. Either way. Best of luck finding people you can relate to.

 

[Fedrea]

I have no in real life friends.

Like, I'm not exaggerating. I have zero.

I'm in my mid-twenties and currently work in a small environment. Most of my co-workers are over 40. We're not ever going to cross the boundary and go into friendship. Not that you can't be friends with people outside your age group, but this is a small circle and I know already that I don't have anything in common with any of them besides the fact we work together.

I also am completing an MA at the moment. I have one more year, but I've made zero friends there either. It sucks. I don't know why. I am shy, but I do genuinely try to talk to people. It just never seems to go to anything more than just talking in class. I also make (what feels like) awkward comments all the time. I, like, can't carry a conversation at all. It feels like I've lost the ability to. I never used to be like this. Maybe my worsening BPD is a factor in this, but I've no clue... All I know is I'm friendless and so, so lonely.

I just want to make friends. It's even harder to try to join groups around me (I've been on Facebook and looked at reading groups, because I enjoy books and writing a lot), but everything's still fucked up because of COVID-19. Even if these varying groups were on, what's not to say that it will just end up like every other interaction I have? Awkwardly, full of stilted conversation and ending up being left out by everyone.

God, I want to fucking kill myself. I'm never going to get anywhere in life. I want to work in publishing or within writing so badly but I probably won't ever be able to get into the industry. Life wouldn't be so bad if I could at least work some other shitty-but-comfy job (general office, maybe?) and have some friends.

I can't even remember what it feels like to have friends. It's so sad. I am so alone.

- anonbpdgirl
x

Please please don't kill yourself over not having friends. This can absolutely change. I remember being quite socially awkward in my teens and 20s, I seemed to find it hard to make friends. For some reason, in my 30s it completely changed and even although I am very unwell now I have some very good friends. You will find it extremely cathartic when you eventually do make friends. I'm sure.

 

[Sinkinshyp]

To be honest you could have a social circle of 100 people and none are a friend all you need is 1 true friend to make a huge difference. Since covid has halted so many social activities maybe make a small reading group? I know you mentioned conversation is awkward. Think up what you would want on a poster to start a book group. Reach out to one of your classmates good on a computer to design it. Start with 4 people- that way it's safer with covid. Post it up with an email made for that group. You may find more people in the same situation as you. We didn't have computers and social media in my day I can't imagine how hard it is for younger people to make friends in this day and age. As above Please dont CTB for lack of friends, not that I'm invalidating your feelings. It's a situation that can and most likely will get better!

 

[flowerpetalashtray]

Im so sorry. I can relate to this so much. I never really had friends to begin with, and I just keep isolating myself more and more nowadays, cutting off contact with everyone.

 

[Life_is_comedy]

I have no in real life friends.

Like, I'm not exaggerating. I have zero.

I know how that feels. I literally have nothing left in my life, not even friends. The final straw was my ex leaving me. She was literally the only ONE left and I find out she has been cheating for weeks. Sad part is we were about to be engaged. Sad, cruel world. I want to take revenge but figured out it's pointless. Might as well end it all.

 

[Ghost2211]

I can empathize with you. I also have literally zero friends. People usually find me likable to interact with, but I never have friends. I don't know what I will do when the kids move out... I will be completely alone in life because I can't make friends for some reason.

I wish I could do more for you than be a name on the internet, but I can relate. Love and best wishes to you.