Context this incident made me think more of my suicide. "My mom just told me last night she felt really really bad. She thought she had an heart attack. My mom already had two strokes. Honestly, I think it was a pretty bad idea to now own a dog. I don't have the feeling they have enough time for him. I am really no expert in the behavior of pets. But some behavior of this dog doesn't seem to be that healthy. I think he needed more space and more time outside. Nobody asked me about my opinion when the decision was on the table. So if my mom dies this could speed up my suicide massively. Honestly, my suicidality became better within the last weeks. But this new information....if my mom dies I am out of here. I would hope this happened maybe in a couple of years. But maybe my time is running out. It could be over faster than I expected it. I tend to catastrophize but new news like that seem really scary."
Concerning vegetative state. I think the notion of a vegetative state can be different. Maybe a better term would be a minmally conscious state.
I am talking about a state where I am unable to move my body but there is still some consciousness. Maybe not all the time. But maybe a few hours or minutes per day. I think for many such a state would be a worstcase scenario. I wonder whether posting this thread has a preventive character for me. I think venting on here and sharing my thoughts really helps me to cope. I think it would mean real anguish being in similar or worse pain but unable to share my experience.
There is a lot of uncertainty in imagining such a scenario. But for me the most likely situation would be surviving a suicide attempt with permanent damage. I think I am someone who really tortures himself even for minor mistakes. I think if I had brain damage this would fuck me up pretty much because I am obsessed of being perceived as smart, being eloquent and so on. Even though this is probably not the worst when having brain damage.
I am not sure whether being fully aware or coming back to full conscious would be even worse then remaining in a minimally conscious state for the rest of my life. Actually I think it could makea different if others were aware about my state. If they consider me brain dead. I am not sure. I am actually not sure whether it would be better than they consider me minimally conscious. Maybe friends and family would come to visit me one a year. Family more frequently. But being cut from other people I think this would hurt.
Something I imagine horrible. If you had to experience that nurses showed disgust of your body when cleaning you. I imagine this to be so humiliating. There was a story about a young British school girl who attempted suicide by hanging because she was bullied. She survived with severe permanent damage and her bullies came to the hospital to make fun of her. Honestly, stories like that make me disgusted about humans and the state of the world.
Maybe I would repeat over and over that I fucked it up to kill myself. I am not sure whether I would be able to come to peace with it. There was a long time I anguished myself over the stigma of psychosis. Or that I experienced so much child abuse. But I have become more distanced and numb over the years. But it took like a decade.
I am not sure what a decade of a minimally conscious state turns someone into. I wonder whether I would become an empty shell of a human being obsessed by the extreme mental pain every second I am conscious. Or whether I could find at least some peace with this condition. Something I am really obsessed with the last years. To make my situation worse and to make mistakes. But when I am in a minmally conscious state maybe there is no more hope. And I could say I tried it, it didn't work out I can go let go of my goals and desires. Honestly, this seems to a little bit of overthinking and sugercoating of such a state. Thinking about it only makes sense because I am scared that my life gets worse. And no matter how bad the state is it can get worse. So worrying would probably not stop. But maybe I would think it isn't anymore in my hands to change the situation. I am really not sure. I think not all of my threads should devolved in long essays.
What do you think?
Concerning vegetative state. I think the notion of a vegetative state can be different. Maybe a better term would be a minmally conscious state.
I am talking about a state where I am unable to move my body but there is still some consciousness. Maybe not all the time. But maybe a few hours or minutes per day. I think for many such a state would be a worstcase scenario. I wonder whether posting this thread has a preventive character for me. I think venting on here and sharing my thoughts really helps me to cope. I think it would mean real anguish being in similar or worse pain but unable to share my experience.
There is a lot of uncertainty in imagining such a scenario. But for me the most likely situation would be surviving a suicide attempt with permanent damage. I think I am someone who really tortures himself even for minor mistakes. I think if I had brain damage this would fuck me up pretty much because I am obsessed of being perceived as smart, being eloquent and so on. Even though this is probably not the worst when having brain damage.
I am not sure whether being fully aware or coming back to full conscious would be even worse then remaining in a minimally conscious state for the rest of my life. Actually I think it could makea different if others were aware about my state. If they consider me brain dead. I am not sure. I am actually not sure whether it would be better than they consider me minimally conscious. Maybe friends and family would come to visit me one a year. Family more frequently. But being cut from other people I think this would hurt.
Something I imagine horrible. If you had to experience that nurses showed disgust of your body when cleaning you. I imagine this to be so humiliating. There was a story about a young British school girl who attempted suicide by hanging because she was bullied. She survived with severe permanent damage and her bullies came to the hospital to make fun of her. Honestly, stories like that make me disgusted about humans and the state of the world.
Maybe I would repeat over and over that I fucked it up to kill myself. I am not sure whether I would be able to come to peace with it. There was a long time I anguished myself over the stigma of psychosis. Or that I experienced so much child abuse. But I have become more distanced and numb over the years. But it took like a decade.
I am not sure what a decade of a minimally conscious state turns someone into. I wonder whether I would become an empty shell of a human being obsessed by the extreme mental pain every second I am conscious. Or whether I could find at least some peace with this condition. Something I am really obsessed with the last years. To make my situation worse and to make mistakes. But when I am in a minmally conscious state maybe there is no more hope. And I could say I tried it, it didn't work out I can go let go of my goals and desires. Honestly, this seems to a little bit of overthinking and sugercoating of such a state. Thinking about it only makes sense because I am scared that my life gets worse. And no matter how bad the state is it can get worse. So worrying would probably not stop. But maybe I would think it isn't anymore in my hands to change the situation. I am really not sure. I think not all of my threads should devolved in long essays.
What do you think?
