Your inner child

[Deadlyroses]

Does anyone else get really sad when they see baby/toddler/child photos of themselves? I do. Because I think about how I was bright eyed and babbling just like any other baby. I'll look at the photo and think about how this child (who never asked to be born) ended up struggling immensely with a myriad of mental health issues that she couldn't even begin to comprehend. And that the world relentlessly beat her with reckless abandon- and continues to do so. I see an innocent child who will never find any sense of happiness or fulfillment. An innocent child who is destined to be an utterly broken shell of a person. It brings tears to my eyes sometimes. The world is ugly and I wish I had never been born in the first place.

 

[Alwaysbadtime]

Yes, thankfully I have no photos. I feel bad for my mom having them...and having to eventually throw out mass photo albums. I'm sad if my comment makes you feel sadder.

You sum up things really well.

 

[wait.what]

I really don't like seeing most photos of myself, period, and that includes ones of me as a child.

 

[FTL.Wanderer]

that the world relentlessly beat her with reckless abandon

I don't have any pics of myself period. But I hear ya. I regret most, though, having been born in the first place. I think it's criminal that people who aren't reasonably confident they can provide a safe, nurturing childhood to their future kids are still entitled to bring kids into this horror show. A hug to you.

 

[A_miStake_of_NATURE]

I absolutely understand what you mean. I feel the same way. Exactly the same way. My mom should've gone for abortion. Just like my dad was suggesting……

 

[iftheworldwasending]

i actually started sobbing the other night thinking about the day i was born. how happy everyone was, and how they had no idea my life would end up like this.

 

[motel rooms]

Got rid of all my childhood photos

 

[Everybody_yells]

I wouldnt even need pictures for such pain. My memories are so strong that I am almost everyday reminded of one or the other cause of pain in my life. For instance the smell of a delicacy from a nearby store would remind me of my childhood when I had them and in turn remind me how things have turned out to be. Or a song I hear on the radio might remind me that my ex and I have danced to it and it would again bring back those lovely memories. Paints me black!

I wish I had a clean slate program for my memory part of brain!

But yeah, I'm sorry to hear life did not turn out to be so good on you when you imagine those nice times from the past, but I hope you get better, even if it is momentarily.

 

[Deadlyroses]

Got rid of all my childhood photos

I don't blame you. I really ought to do the same. They do me no favors as far as ruminating goes.

But yeah, I'm sorry to hear life did not turn out to be so good on you when you imagine those nice times from the past, but I hope you get better, even if it is momentarily.

That's the funny thing, they weren't even "happy times". I remember being depressed and wanting to die even as a kid. I just never understood it. Understanding it now makes me mourn for the happinesses that the "child" never got to experience.

I really don't like seeing most photos of myself, period, and that includes ones of me as a child.

Neither do I. I really should stop doing this to myself.

I absolutely understand what you mean. I feel the same way. Exactly the same way. My mom should've gone for abortion. Just like my dad was suggesting……

My parents first met at a restaurant. Sometimes I imagine a time traveler going back to the 90s to that restaurant and stopping them from meeting altogether. Wiping me out of existence.

 

[Regen]

I like your text very much. It seems like you have a very strong feeling for your inner little child. There is so much sadness, but also so much compassion for your little child. You seem to have a connection to your inner child. Maybe that sounds very stupid, but I admire that. I don't manage to feel this child even after years. The connection to my true inner self is completely closed. This may sound like a good thing because you sound like so much sadness and deep pain, but being cut off from your inner child also makes you sad because it is still locked up somewhere deep inside and not seen or heard.

I am so sorry that your life is so hard and that you have lost your innocence and your "happy baby babble". I wish you that you find a small, protected corner in which you can do something good for yourself and your inner child.

 

[Seiba]

I have little attachment to myself when I was younger. I don't really look at photos of myself either, alongside poor memories in general.

 

[Dear Agony]

I feel nothing looking at pictures of me as a baby. Just knowing that picture is me makes me have no empathy for the child in the photo, just disgust. Pictures of myself make me want to vomit. My self hate is so strong I have to vomit for 5 people everyday, just to make me feel a little less terrified of my human form/existence and not immediately jump out my window seeing my own reflection and feeling my pulse, my rotten beating heart.
The only pity I will ever feel for myself is when I put a noose around my neck and end this terrible, agonizing torture and this pathetic excuse of a life. Otherwise, I feel no sympathy towards myself at any moment in my existence.

 

[Makko]

I make no memories and have no past. Just like a movie character that only exists while the movie is shown.

 

[FuneralCry]

I feel disconnected to photos of myself when I was a young child. I have no memories of those times, so it does not feel like it is me in the photos. I just feel empty when I see them. I also wish I was never born, my existence is a mistake.

 

[UseItOrLoseIt]

I make no memories and have no past. Just like a movie character that only exists while the movie is shown.

Such a beauty. I could never express myselfs so lightly. But I see your point. On some level. You already used that analogy somewhere in the past (of you having many faces, but none of them belonging to you, of being a great actress nonetheless - something along those lines).
Anyway, I feel like I don't make memories. I don't even dream anymore. It's true. And on the rare occaisions that I do, it's just another scripted scene of this movie that just keeps rolling and I'm thrown in the midst of it. As an actor, I'm not really a master-class. But I would describe my whole life as method acting. And it's excruciating to be something you're not all the time.
The only thing I'm not is a man with no past. Not yet anyway. My past left me so many scars, both literally and figuratively, that, even if I don't remember them all, the feeling that accompanied them will stay with me forever. My past is not even a memory. It's a feeling.

 

[EOL4ME]

It's why I hate having photos around

 

[Pisceslilith]

I hate my photos and I haven't looked at them in years and never will. I wanna burn them so bad.

 

[eryu]

Something that just occurred to me is how oppressive it must feel for people living with abusive family to see photos of themselves with strained smiles (or maybe real smiles at points when they were happy to play along during a temporary reprieve) all over the house. Things that should make a home feel warm and happy would become another tool of the abuse. Must be awful.
My hoarded household never had any photos on the wall and the albums were never accessible (and digital wasn't a thing) so I very rarely saw pictures of myself when I was young.
It's been years at this point.
But I think the last few times I saw photos, I didn't feel much of anything.
I just realized when I saw this thread how completely I have lost any connection to my younger self. I remember a few prominent details but any feeling of value and nostalgia has been obliterated.
I think and write about things that happened to my younger self but it kind of doesn't feel like I'm writing about me or any real person.

 

[wait.what]

My parents first met at a restaurant. Sometimes I imagine a time traveler going back to the 90s to that restaurant and stopping them from meeting altogether. Wiping me out of existence.

My parents met on a blind date…that would be so easy to disrupt. Everyone hates going on those anyway. If that theory about multiple universes existing is true, then I bet in most of them my parents never even met, much less had kids together. There's a line of an E. E. Cummings poem that comes to mind: "listen: there's a hell of a good universe next door; let's go."

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

I was an adorable little kid who deserved so much more love and attention. Something was broken very early and never quite recovered. Terror and anxiety and magical thinking ruined my life. No future.

 

[Foresight]

I do know this feeling. It can be creepy. I threw out most pictures.

I have a favorite baby picture. I love it because I look so angry and I like to imagine I knew from the beginning somehow. I know in reality I was probably just tired or gassy or had some other baby problem.

 

[needforvoid_]

I depersonalise, just looking at some kid's photo, not me.
I feel like my inner child is dead.