i was thrown a bit of a curveball recently. i haven't wished i were dead for like, two whole days now. pretty sweet i guess? i mean, i'm sure i'll be back to it soon, but until then i'll enjoy it. i actually smiled yesterday- but the thing is it wasn't of laughter, i smiled because some way, somehow i felt joy. i'm not on any meds currently so i have no clue how that happened. i'm sure life is just picking me up so it can push me right back down though. so, enough of that, here's my question: do you ever think about your future? do you ever make plans? personally, i don't, at least not often at all. i just sort of drag myself through the day and i accept whatever happens.
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15dec
ember in the dark
- Dec 7, 2018
- 1,550
Glad you've felt better even if it's just for a few days.
I have plans for the future so if I don't ctb I don't find myself stuck not knowing what to do with my life. It's also good for me to be able to tell people I have plans so they don't get suspicious or give me grief for not having any.
I have plans for the future so if I don't ctb I don't find myself stuck not knowing what to do with my life. It's also good for me to be able to tell people I have plans so they don't get suspicious or give me grief for not having any.
Redt2go
flower child
- Jan 5, 2019
- 1,643
:D this is all good! Don't think about it too much
you're feeling a lil better
DownInaHole
Not so wise
- Jan 4, 2019
- 216
Angst Filled Fuck Up
Visionary
- Sep 9, 2018
- 2,835
I suppose I've always felt powerless to determine my own future given all my issues. When you're at the mercy of things like mental illness the mere act of surviving is difficult.
My life has been going massively downhill for years. No job, no education, new and scary health problems. I can't seem to force anything good to happen. Whatever I try is sort of naively entrepreneurial in nature so the chance of success is always pretty slim. I would like to just have something basic to look forward to, like a vacation for instance. I haven't been anywhere for 5 years now.
I feel pretty godawful physically and mentally every day. About the only time I don't feel like feeding myself through a wood chipper is when I'm laying in bed with a pizza watching Netflix. I hate how small my world has become but feel totally unable to change it.
I guess I'll just sort of flow with the tide like I usually do.
My life has been going massively downhill for years. No job, no education, new and scary health problems. I can't seem to force anything good to happen. Whatever I try is sort of naively entrepreneurial in nature so the chance of success is always pretty slim. I would like to just have something basic to look forward to, like a vacation for instance. I haven't been anywhere for 5 years now.
I feel pretty godawful physically and mentally every day. About the only time I don't feel like feeding myself through a wood chipper is when I'm laying in bed with a pizza watching Netflix. I hate how small my world has become but feel totally unable to change it.
I guess I'll just sort of flow with the tide like I usually do.
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deflagrat
¡Si hablas español mándame un mensaje privado!
- Apr 9, 2018
- 360
I don't have a future, it's better that way. Disability benefits will have to be enough if my parents die. Until then I am with my computer all day long.
StillWaiting
Need cats to comfort me
- Jul 28, 2018
- 550
To be honest, nothing to me feels real anymore.
Everything just seems like a dream to me.
I cant plan for my future because I cant seems to see what will happen tomorrow (Not sure if it make sense)
Everything just seems like a dream to me.
I cant plan for my future because I cant seems to see what will happen tomorrow (Not sure if it make sense)
21Neberg
Enlightened
- Dec 17, 2018
- 1,624
I am still working on my future. I'm currently in the application process for studying psychology at a couple of universities. I don't want to give up since I still want to have a future if I fail suicide and decide to give life another try.
Redt2go
flower child
- Jan 5, 2019
- 1,643
I think psych is a dope major
littlelady774
running on empty
- Dec 20, 2018
- 708
Idk :(
People always ask me what I wanna do.. I just make something up cause plan to ctb
People always ask me what I wanna do.. I just make something up cause plan to ctb
waived
I am a sunrise
- Jan 5, 2019
- 974
I continued to push towards activities and learning despite everything else. I don't think I'm ever going to make it materially (the idea of owning a house doesn't even exist in my mind), but I've built a solid base in understanding the world around me, and I've participated in activities pertaining to that, both to a fairly high level by other people's standards. In my late teens that was a decision I made and was one of the few I followed through on. It was a day by day thing.
21Neberg
Enlightened
- Dec 17, 2018
- 1,624
yeah I must admit I'm kind of looking forward to it.
Redt2go
flower child
- Jan 5, 2019
- 1,643
WhiteRabbit
I'm late, i'm late. For a very important date.
- Feb 12, 2019
- 1,293
I can totally relate to this. My world has become pratically microscopic.
Always have plans. All depend on specific variants. my life always was a web of possibilities and taking the shots. 90% of all variants make me wanna kill myself. in 20% of these 90% i will do it.
The other 9% i will leave and forget the person that drives me to this all the time, meet someone new and start over.
0.9999999999% will stick to that person and waste my life.
0.0000000001% our relationship can be fixed and can go on.
0.0000000000% will kill myself before my crazy to-do list.
The other 9% i will leave and forget the person that drives me to this all the time, meet someone new and start over.
0.9999999999% will stick to that person and waste my life.
0.0000000001% our relationship can be fixed and can go on.
0.0000000000% will kill myself before my crazy to-do list.
stellabelle
ethereal
- Dec 14, 2018
- 3,919
I'm glad you're feeling a bit better. I hope it lasts.
As for me, yes, sometimes I ponder the future or what it could be. I'm just so damn fucked up and sad, it seems like it's all unattainable or not worth it.
I have a "plan" in theory but it entails a lot of effort to obtain and will not be without challenges unfortunately.
As for me, yes, sometimes I ponder the future or what it could be. I'm just so damn fucked up and sad, it seems like it's all unattainable or not worth it.
I have a "plan" in theory but it entails a lot of effort to obtain and will not be without challenges unfortunately.
Pulpit2018
Experienced
- Oct 8, 2018
- 287
I look forward to ctb, but I don't have any viable way to have future that I'm aware of. I don't even have a present because I'm already dead on so many levels. I feel like I'm on life support in a way.
BaconCheeseburger
Comfort-eating
- Aug 4, 2018
- 693
I go through phases of envisioning a future. When I'm 'well' I consider moving up the ranks with my job and moving out.
Currently my job is shit to the point where I want to go off on sick leave (having not even worked here three months yet) and everything feels bleak. Death would be most welcome. I'm just living in the moment right now because I can't bring myself to think of anything else.
Currently my job is shit to the point where I want to go off on sick leave (having not even worked here three months yet) and everything feels bleak. Death would be most welcome. I'm just living in the moment right now because I can't bring myself to think of anything else.
Beyondajoke
Member
- Jul 18, 2018
- 29
I don't know what on earth my future holds seeing as I've found a new way of disabling myself and can't even work, study or do much of anything. I just spoke to my father who's still working aged 75 in order to provide monetarily for the family (we are a bit weird in this way) and he reassured me that I don't have to worry about it but I still feel absolutely stuffed and of course like a burden.
This is a family that gave me every opportunity and support but still I'm an absolute disaster.
The whole above paragraph sounds like lunacy but I'm going to post it anyway
This is a family that gave me every opportunity and support but still I'm an absolute disaster.
The whole above paragraph sounds like lunacy but I'm going to post it anyway
It's not weird these days. People used to be able to retire when they could accurately plan for it but we no longer live in a free market economy where you have sound money, no inflation, no gov meddling in the economy, ever rising cost of living. Next they want to phase out cash and the government will then be allowed to shut off your card or chip if u failed to comply with something. You will be basically a total slave. We have been like more free range serfs until now but they want to end the freedoms we've had, no car, living tightly with other people. I'm truly scared what our gov has in store, I want to be dead before it's full tyranny and concentration camps again when too many people are homeless and they have to hide it somehow. Totalitarianism is not goin to be a fun situation. I know I sound a bit paranoid but it's happened before. When the government grows too powerful, they will start exterminating people they don't like or who oppose this shit.I don't know what on earth my future holds seeing as I've found a new way of disabling myself and can't even work, study or do much of anything. I just spoke to my father who's still working aged 75 in order to provide monetarily for the family (we are a bit weird in this way) and he reassured me that I don't have to worry about it but I still feel absolutely stuffed and of course like a burden.
This is a family that gave me every opportunity and support but still I'm an absolute disaster.
The whole above paragraph sounds like lunacy but I'm going to post it anyway
agreement
Mage
- Mar 26, 2018
- 544
I can relate, sometimes I can even understand what the numbers after "best before" on groceries mean.
on my bad days (pretty much all of them) I feel like I have no future. Then at times I have glimmers of hope and supportive words from SS members make me determined to beat this depression but I have no idea what that future will look like.
I have no future. Being abused and raped has destroyed me. I am no longer a human being. All i do is lay in bed and barely move because im also in pain. I have nothing left I lost everything there is not quality of life for me...ctb is inevitable for me
Grey-zone
Student
- Feb 2, 2019
- 147
Have lived with my parents my entire life, 28 year old male, only child, "homeschooled" reject (although I did college), with minimal job experience. I was never raised to function in this society, and neither do I wish to--although I wished that I did, but wishing doesn't make it so. Even with the improvements I've made behaviorally and psychologically over the past 2 years of my life, I've come to realize that it is "too little, too late", and I am no closer to functioning as an independent, confident adult in the US of A. I hope to save enough money over the next year or two, and see some of the world before departing, and maybe lose some of my fear before doing it.
ab_
"I'd feel trapped if I couldn't CTB at any time."
- Feb 15, 2019
- 276
Probably locked up in a psych ward or spending the rest of my life bouncing in and out of one every year.
It's my greatest fear because once it happens, you become accustomed to it and eventually accept and be content with it.
It's my greatest fear because once it happens, you become accustomed to it and eventually accept and be content with it.
CFLoser
I fcking hate myself
- Dec 5, 2018
- 611
Hero falls timeline: I CTB
Hero wins timeline: I fall later and ctb
Hero wins timeline: I fall later and ctb
Wallflower
Member
- Feb 10, 2019
- 23
Mark Edward
Member
- Jan 19, 2019
- 62
Othermind
-
- Dec 26, 2018
- 301
Glad you're feeling better OP.
As for me I'm still pursuing my education, though it's becoming harder and harder to do every day. The self-loathing, self-harm, lack of decent sleep, drinking, tip-toeing around people trying not to traumatize them revealing too much etc., all of this is taking a massive toll on me and honestly, though I still function (and with very good grades to boot), I can't see myself going forward much longer.
As for me I'm still pursuing my education, though it's becoming harder and harder to do every day. The self-loathing, self-harm, lack of decent sleep, drinking, tip-toeing around people trying not to traumatize them revealing too much etc., all of this is taking a massive toll on me and honestly, though I still function (and with very good grades to boot), I can't see myself going forward much longer.
