endme
tides
- Nov 22, 2021
- 39
oh boi tonight is a special night and im gonna share it all with you since i dont care anyway hah.
for whoever cares let me tell you my story, my last post was about family. today things got worse.
since im a person who is very straight forward and pretty manipulative i didnt even think much about telling the truth too people.
first i told my ex love, which i still live with together. not really a good thing but it helped me to hate myself even more and get worse feelings and thoughts. she is actually prostituting herself now which drives me so insane that i cant even describe... but at the end it doesnt really matter since were apart anyway. she was the love of my live a beautiful smart lady, very emotional and emphatic just as me.
we broke up around 4 months ago after a 2 year relationship, im 25 had a pretty decent live except a rough childhood. the breakup was my fault i fucked up cant lie about it. since i got in my depression, which i lead to corona since it fucked my social live but whatever.
i always managed to get a lot of friends without any problems since im very social. people just like spending time with me, i can listen and give good advice. i was studying health management in my 5th semestre. i had to do an internship for that which went good. i didnt get a lot of money but i still enjoyed the work.
than we broke up, first 2 months were ok i was still working and functioning as usual. than i found out what shes doing to herself, the prostitute thing. she always needed a lot of sexual attention and only could enjoy herself in this time so im not to surprised, also shes beautiful which makes things pretty easy for her.
so i was devasted even though i shouldnt care about it but it still got to me, i mean if you really love a person you dont just let go. or at least i cant. well im trapped in this appartment now watching this for 2 more months so 4 in total. in this time i spent a lot of time here, researching methods and ways to end the pain. i have access to uni portals so i can read almost everything full text which helped. i studied a lot of methods, tried partital hanging, drowning with weights, stopped eating and drinking almost completetly for a long time. dont have enough money to buy N which would be my first choice, since i just want it to be peacefull. when i tried these hardcore methods i always felt to lonely to pull through, to much pain.
i probably didnt drink pure water since 2 months, didnt eat properly since than and also didnt sleep a lot. just to weaken my body to the extreme.
i always enjoyed suffering and even before this whole thing i was thinking about ending my weird life. even tho i had everything, i never felt complete. i never found my place in this world at the current time. i never understood people getting satisfaction from instagram likes and posts. i never understood why i have to study to get a decent income, at least in my country. i never understood why i have to work 8 hours a day in a job i dont like to life my life and have money. i never understood why people who do the same job as others get paid twice as much. i never understood why people are so angry and selfish. i never could place a foot in this world and feel satisfied. the only satisfaction i found in life was travelling. i met many different people and just felt complete. but for travelling you need a lot of money and time which you basically dont have if you work and need to manage your life. what i want to say here is that i really just couldnt enjoy the life how it is in this time on this world. i didnt feel home anywhere, i didnt feel family or protection. other people would say i had it but i just never felt good about living in this century. everything is supposed to move so fast and just function. people dont even care about anyone else apart from themselves because they dont even have time. no one is allowed to feel bad or express their emotions, even more on the male side. i met so many people who never thought outside the box. everyone seems to be trapped in their little hamster wheel and just is supposed to function. but what if this is just not for me? well im gonna be homeless i guess.
i waited for long enough for it to happen. at the end of the month im gonna get kicked out hopefully, which should give me enough power to suceed, at least i hope, its my last horizon.
but tonight is still a special night. well since im doing this since a couple months already, and my ex still "loves" me she told my parents. so they know whats happening here, that im not working or basically doing anything and yea came to visit me. first my mum, than my uncle, than him again with my dad. well they all wanted to tell me good things and cheer me up and make me happy and invited me to their place and stuff. but i dont want to. i dont want to keep going. i have no energy and no willpower. nothing that drives me. no goals or things i would think about. and that since a long time already. well i told them, which IS STUPID!!! dont do it.
even before my parents show up my girl called the cops once since i passed out for a long as time and yea i managed to talk my way out of it just told the cops i had a bad day blabla. they couldnt do anything about it.
today, after i told my mom how i really feel, well they here again. a little more harsh but if you act serious and well beeing, even tho you are not. nothing they can do about it. at least here.
now i have so much power inside me. i didnt have so much power since months. now i feel the time is shredding and that i need to make a move.
im drinking a lot right now, which im not used to at all. i will feel very bad soon, sad music will keep fueling my engine. also i hope my girl is gonna go with the train to her new "work" which will give me even more fuel to hate myself.
if i can pull through im gonna do something insanely crazy and stupid, but i really think its the only thing i can do to myself which is lethal.
when im drunk enough im gonna take some painkillers. im gonna go in the bathtub or maybe not but i think it might help speeding up the process.
im actually gonna stab me. hoodie on. full energy 3 stabs as hard as i can, not even gonna look and just see what happens. i know for a fact no matter what pain i feel.
im not gonna call anyone for help.
now i want to ask you guys, is there anything i should consider. is there any place good to stab? i cant stab my neck probably cause i cant do that, same with hanging.
but in my stomach, chest, where would i roughly aim at? im not gonna look and make clear stab, i just hope i dont need to do more than 3-4 since im not sure if i will be able to do this.
how long could it take maximum for me to bleed out / cough on blood / drown in bathub. would the bathtub be a good idea or no?
im really serious, and i know its not a good method but its the only thing i can follow through at this point i feel like.
im not sure if i can jump, i just found a place couple days ago when i wanted to hypothermia. but couldnt find a secluded enough place where i also could chill and make some noise.
oh i forgot the most important part, which kind of knife would be good? i have sharp knifes but which size would be optimal?
is smaller better? longer? im not sure...
for whoever cares let me tell you my story, my last post was about family. today things got worse.
since im a person who is very straight forward and pretty manipulative i didnt even think much about telling the truth too people.
first i told my ex love, which i still live with together. not really a good thing but it helped me to hate myself even more and get worse feelings and thoughts. she is actually prostituting herself now which drives me so insane that i cant even describe... but at the end it doesnt really matter since were apart anyway. she was the love of my live a beautiful smart lady, very emotional and emphatic just as me.
we broke up around 4 months ago after a 2 year relationship, im 25 had a pretty decent live except a rough childhood. the breakup was my fault i fucked up cant lie about it. since i got in my depression, which i lead to corona since it fucked my social live but whatever.
i always managed to get a lot of friends without any problems since im very social. people just like spending time with me, i can listen and give good advice. i was studying health management in my 5th semestre. i had to do an internship for that which went good. i didnt get a lot of money but i still enjoyed the work.
than we broke up, first 2 months were ok i was still working and functioning as usual. than i found out what shes doing to herself, the prostitute thing. she always needed a lot of sexual attention and only could enjoy herself in this time so im not to surprised, also shes beautiful which makes things pretty easy for her.
so i was devasted even though i shouldnt care about it but it still got to me, i mean if you really love a person you dont just let go. or at least i cant. well im trapped in this appartment now watching this for 2 more months so 4 in total. in this time i spent a lot of time here, researching methods and ways to end the pain. i have access to uni portals so i can read almost everything full text which helped. i studied a lot of methods, tried partital hanging, drowning with weights, stopped eating and drinking almost completetly for a long time. dont have enough money to buy N which would be my first choice, since i just want it to be peacefull. when i tried these hardcore methods i always felt to lonely to pull through, to much pain.
i probably didnt drink pure water since 2 months, didnt eat properly since than and also didnt sleep a lot. just to weaken my body to the extreme.
i always enjoyed suffering and even before this whole thing i was thinking about ending my weird life. even tho i had everything, i never felt complete. i never found my place in this world at the current time. i never understood people getting satisfaction from instagram likes and posts. i never understood why i have to study to get a decent income, at least in my country. i never understood why i have to work 8 hours a day in a job i dont like to life my life and have money. i never understood why people who do the same job as others get paid twice as much. i never understood why people are so angry and selfish. i never could place a foot in this world and feel satisfied. the only satisfaction i found in life was travelling. i met many different people and just felt complete. but for travelling you need a lot of money and time which you basically dont have if you work and need to manage your life. what i want to say here is that i really just couldnt enjoy the life how it is in this time on this world. i didnt feel home anywhere, i didnt feel family or protection. other people would say i had it but i just never felt good about living in this century. everything is supposed to move so fast and just function. people dont even care about anyone else apart from themselves because they dont even have time. no one is allowed to feel bad or express their emotions, even more on the male side. i met so many people who never thought outside the box. everyone seems to be trapped in their little hamster wheel and just is supposed to function. but what if this is just not for me? well im gonna be homeless i guess.
i waited for long enough for it to happen. at the end of the month im gonna get kicked out hopefully, which should give me enough power to suceed, at least i hope, its my last horizon.
but tonight is still a special night. well since im doing this since a couple months already, and my ex still "loves" me she told my parents. so they know whats happening here, that im not working or basically doing anything and yea came to visit me. first my mum, than my uncle, than him again with my dad. well they all wanted to tell me good things and cheer me up and make me happy and invited me to their place and stuff. but i dont want to. i dont want to keep going. i have no energy and no willpower. nothing that drives me. no goals or things i would think about. and that since a long time already. well i told them, which IS STUPID!!! dont do it.
even before my parents show up my girl called the cops once since i passed out for a long as time and yea i managed to talk my way out of it just told the cops i had a bad day blabla. they couldnt do anything about it.
today, after i told my mom how i really feel, well they here again. a little more harsh but if you act serious and well beeing, even tho you are not. nothing they can do about it. at least here.
now i have so much power inside me. i didnt have so much power since months. now i feel the time is shredding and that i need to make a move.
im drinking a lot right now, which im not used to at all. i will feel very bad soon, sad music will keep fueling my engine. also i hope my girl is gonna go with the train to her new "work" which will give me even more fuel to hate myself.
if i can pull through im gonna do something insanely crazy and stupid, but i really think its the only thing i can do to myself which is lethal.
when im drunk enough im gonna take some painkillers. im gonna go in the bathtub or maybe not but i think it might help speeding up the process.
im actually gonna stab me. hoodie on. full energy 3 stabs as hard as i can, not even gonna look and just see what happens. i know for a fact no matter what pain i feel.
im not gonna call anyone for help.
now i want to ask you guys, is there anything i should consider. is there any place good to stab? i cant stab my neck probably cause i cant do that, same with hanging.
but in my stomach, chest, where would i roughly aim at? im not gonna look and make clear stab, i just hope i dont need to do more than 3-4 since im not sure if i will be able to do this.
how long could it take maximum for me to bleed out / cough on blood / drown in bathub. would the bathtub be a good idea or no?
im really serious, and i know its not a good method but its the only thing i can follow through at this point i feel like.
im not sure if i can jump, i just found a place couple days ago when i wanted to hypothermia. but couldnt find a secluded enough place where i also could chill and make some noise.
oh i forgot the most important part, which kind of knife would be good? i have sharp knifes but which size would be optimal?
is smaller better? longer? im not sure...
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