Venting You really don't want to see what actual CTB looks like...

[Sleeper System]

There are many methods of comitting suicide...

There was a time not too long ago when I was so depressed that I actually embodied the image of what you'd think
that someone in that state of mind would look like. I starved myself for days. I forced myself to drink water.
I didn't go outside. I didn't speak to anyone. I didn't even shower. I just laid in bed sobbing and writhing in my misery.
I was so stuck in this deep depression that I literally looked to the internet for answers in any form that it would take.
I was certain that if my life didn't show me a glimmer of some hope that I would CTB no questions asked.

I had the thought that I should desensitize myself about suicide and that led me to a dark corner of the web.
I watched. You know what i'm talking about. It doesn't need to be said. I thought It was a good idea. I was wrong.
It didn't help me get over SI. It didn't help me find clarity. It just made me so deeply sad and even more depressed.
The world is eating itself alive... but it's so vast... that it's only happening in small sections at certain moments.
People are suffering beyond imagination and are taking their own lives. You can't help but feel sorry for them.

The worst ones are those that take the approach of "death by any means". The blood... the disfiguration... the self harm...
It will make you sick. Even more so to imagine that being you. Many of us don't really get the chance to see a dead body in RL...
There is something so heart breaking and empty about CTB. It's almost a sick joke how a lifeless corpse presents itself. Void of a soul.

I think it's better to not imagine what happens after or have any ideas about what it will look like.
Just find your path and see it through if you are really going to CTB. Don't do it to your mind to try to look passed that moment.

I want to close my eyes and never wake up. I know it wont be that simple for me. I'm scared I wont ever hit rock bottom so hard that
i'll have no better options. Even more afraid of having to keep living and feeling this way with no remedy but to WAIT to die naturally.

I apologize for this rant but it was weighing on my mind. The lengths I went through to try to make myself better understand the collateral damage of ctb has only been a detriment to my psyche and I hope that maybe I can spare someone from doing that to themselves.
It's really not worth.

 

[F@#$]

I've found two different friends that have killed themselves. One in high school and the other about five years ago.

 

[Sleeper System]

I've found two different friends that have killed themselves. One in high school and the other about five years ago.

What did that do to you?

 

[ForgottenAgain]

I didn't know one could watch someone doing it...that sounds nightmare inducing and soul crushing...
Thanks for sharing, I will make sure to not go down that path, I don't think I could recover.

I'm sorry you were scarred by that...is horrible...

 

[DeadManLiving]

I've found two different friends that have killed themselves. One in high school and the other about five years ago.

How did the impression affect you? Or you perspective on death?

 

[Zelda2000]

It is certainly a strange perspective wanting to CTB, but not wanting to hear of others close to me doing it before me and it has changed my perspective on death a bit. I sometimes feel a duty to keep going, while other times, I want to join friends who have crossed.

 

[Argo]

I stared into the abyss for years as well, it seemed like this helped in managing well for a while, but now I'm just ready to go. There is something rewarding about being in touch with reality, even if that reality is a nightmare. There's less to fear because the thing is right there in front of you, finally.

I had negative emotions when I would look at the worst stories of things that happened on this planet, but always valued at least an effort of not being traumatized by those stories. I feel like I owe those who had it worse than me to at least witness what happened-- to the people who were tortured but also the animals who regularly get eaten alive.

No one will help them because the most advanced species on this planet is functionally sociopathic. This has been the norm on this planet for a span of time that can technically be put into words, however, those words don't register very well for us.

The point of this is, I don't really distinguish between the horrors of suicide and the horrors of this world in a broad sense. The big picture is what truly reveals reality, and it's all just horror which then gets obscured. There's always more of it than we can imagine, it's a feature rather than a bug, and so it's not something that will get fixed. Progress is an illusion, evil only becomes harder to see and more subtle. And that's simply because it's more powerful that way.

 

[F@#$]

How did the impression affect you? Or you perspective on death?

I don't really know how it affected me. It was fucked up,shocking. My second friend was actually found by his seven year old son. See him all upset was really hard to experience. He came running from his dad's bedroom crying and screaming " my dad won't wake up.". That was horrible.

What did that do to you?

The first time me and another friend had snuck out and went to our buddies house. He didn't come to the window. We looked in an saw him. He'd used a shotgun. We just split and went home. Second time it was actually his seven year old son that found him. He came out of his dad's room crying and screaming " my dad won't wake up." I tried to calm him down, called his mom to come pick him up. Next thing I know the cops,paramedics, and his whole family was there. I had to help load my best friend into the coroner's van. Bad fuckin day,both of them.

 

[Captive_Mind515]

I really DO want to see it.

I prefer reality over fantasy or curated images of our existence.

The living are far more scary and disturbing than the dead could ever be. You stand no chance of understanding something, if you run away in fear when confronted with said subject matter.

Death is a passive state, so it's very well suited to passive observance - if one is so inclined towards this.

 

[cold_severance]

not really, I've seen my share of corpses, human and animal, so i dont care. also watching people cbt or get executed on shock site doesn't do it either.