I've made quite a few attempts over the years, most of which were (admittedly) impulsive and largely triggered by extreme emotional pain of my BPD and/or PTSD, but also by severe physical pain that made me want to rip my skin off even more so than usual... so I'd be an absolute wreck leading up to the attempt, but as I was actually right on the edge of carrying it out (such as making a noose, or getting the pills and alcohol ready), I was extremely calm. I think this is due to feeling an immense amount of comfort and security in the mere idea that I was so close to potentially eternal relief, and sometimes just remembering the fact that I *could* control my fate at any time was enough to make me halt the attempt entirely... but even during the times where I truly believed that I was not going to wake up, I was very calm – again, because I believed that I was finally going to be at peace very soon.
Even when the attempts and/or plans were well thought-out and not at all impulsive, such as when I intended to off myself in a hotel room a few years ago (which I fully intended to go through with, but cancelled after I met my now-husband shortly beforehand), I wasn't too emotional about it, other than feeling a strong sense of comfort, which was, again, due to me truly believing that I was finally going to be free.
The next time I attempt (whenever that may be), it will be lethal, hence why I've been planning everything down to the last miniscule detail to ensure that it will work. I obviously don't have a crystal ball so I can't say anything for sure regarding the emotional aspect, but just based on my history, I don't think that I will be too emotional when the time comes for me to get the hell off this planet for good and finally get the peace I've craved for so long. I think that my lack of anxiety about the actual act lies in, yet again, the mere idea of finally not suffering anymore, but also slightly due to the fact that I'm pretty desensitized to the whole thing by now, simply because of how many times I've been on the edge.
I'm so sick of, and quite honestly embarrassed by having so many unsuccessful attempts to my name, partly because of survival instinct, for sure, but also largely due to a lack of proper planning or generally just not knowing any better (at the time) about the lethality/general mechanisms of the methods I went with... but that's a whole other can of worms.