TAW122
Emissary of the right to die.
- Aug 30, 2018
- 6,856
As someone who has Aspergers was formally diagnosed with Aspergers during my mid teens, just getting around (not even considering relationships and dating) in society and day to day life is hell. There is no cure or solution for this condition, disorder or whatever you call it. Throughout my entire life, I have always struggled with social situations (knowing how to respond, body language, what to say, react, etc.) while most others take it for granted (usually the people who aren't socially inept or are able to pick up on cues and respond appropriately). Even putting aside Aspergers for a moment, society, social interactions, and the way people treat me makes me ever so much more wanting to suicide. Let's suppose that I decide to change the aspects needed to be accepted (which isn't likely or possible given my situation), people would still not accept me for it so there really is no point in trying. They already see TAW122 as what they decide to see and nothing I do would change their mind or get them to treat me the way I want to be treated. I know some would claim, but "you didn't look for the right people", which might be true if those people were the only ones that I have met. However, I have encountered many different groups of people and none of them fit my criteria nor are they willing to accept me. Therefore, I have simply given up on trying to better that aspect of life. It's the same with just about every group, if they don't ignore and ghost me, then they treat me like a child, without agency or respect (not like when you accomplish something they give you a compliment - because that's just a 'compliment', not actual respect - where they treat me like an adult, like they treat their fellow peers.).
Here is an real life situation where I've simply written off that people suck in general. After graduating from high school (over a decade ago) and going to college, I have made a conscious decision that I do wish to improve my life and want to try to fit in and be accepted, be treated like the way others treat others (in other words, treated fairly and with respect, not being lectured to, treated like a child, etc.). However, that all came crashing down and quickly became evident that people just don't like me. I either don't belong (ghosted and ignored like I don't exist), ridiculed and shamed behind my back, or just (rare, not as common during college) openly scolded or shamed such as in a confrontation. So in 2008, I have made a hypothesis that what people don't or won't likely say in person, they would do behind a screen or even outside of face to face contact. The hypothesis is that what people do on social media would reveal their true nature (which of course is antithetical to what the other claim is - that social media != IRL, though I disagree with that hypothesis based on my findings). So for instance, I was generally on good terms with said person, we will call him "R" so TAW122 and R are on good terms, but then someday, out of the blue, "R" decided to ghost TAW122 and quietly delete him from social media. R hopes that I don't know (including most of the people who know me and ghosted me and/or turned on me), but I am not stupid. I might be socially dumb, but not that dumb that I don't what happened. Just because I am not good with people doesn't mean that I don't know if something has changed or something isn't right. As someone with Aspergers, I not only think rationally and logically, but I can see patterns and what not. In other words, I see there is a problem, but I just don't know "WHY" it is or what caused it, let alone a solution for it.
Another scenario is here and this one is real suicide fuel. On an online MMO game [game redacted] that I have played for well over a decade, I had thought some of similar minded people to be pretty friendly and accepting. However, I could not be further from the truth. While these people are benign and friendly, they suddenly just ghosted me for no reason and even one of them just abruptly kicked me from their group/server on Discord (I won't say who it is for safety and privacy reasons). In other words, the people who I thought were cool and was going to be friendly with, just quietly and without provocation, kicked me and left me. I have done nothing wrong against them nor said anything. Meanwhile, the other people didn't get treated like that. I never confronted them afterwards because I didn't want to cause trouble and also it's unlikely people will ever be honest to say the real reason/cause for their behavior. At best, one would either plausibly deny having done that (feign ignorance), make up some bullshit reason (whether founded or unfounded), and/or just downright be nasty.
Therapy is useless because it never addresses the actual status quo (e.g. society, or the group that was wrong), but rather finds fault and blame on the patient (yes I know NOT all therapists, therapy is like that, but that's irrelevant because it doesn't help me at all). It would rather make me as the 'problem' rather than accept reality for what it is. Then it also puts the onus on the patient to find the solution while ignoring the actual root cause or addressing it in the first place. The similar thing goes with religion, but the only difference is that it is more cult-like and aggressive in it's approach (speaking mainly to modern Christianity in the US; though other religions are guilty of it as well). I have made other threads on this and explained in detail why I don't consider these solutions so I won't go off tangent on here and repeat everything I said again here.
In conclusion, this is an extension of my Aspergers' reason and ailment for which pushes me closer to want to suicide. I simply am not compatible with this clown world and it's lunacy. I can do fuck all to change how society is and how people treat me (remember, I can't control the actions of others). Sadly, even from the like-minded individuals, it simply just isn't enough, and even then, there are still differences and troubles between me and them (not all people who are on the spectrum even get along to begin with!). There simply is no help for people like me and there is no solution. If these grievances were brought up, the best I could expect is either to be ignored, shamed, guilted, treated worse, and/or even ridiculed. It's not just the condition alone of Aspergers that pushes me to want to suicide, but the things that result from it - not being compatible with the world, life long social difficulties, poor/inappropriate treatment from others (treated not the way I wish to be treated), and more. But of course, as long as the world continues to feign ignorance, be superficial, treat me like shit, it's no surprise when the day comes that I decide to end it all (which will come sooner than I expect). On one final note, I want to say it would be naive to assume that I only ever wanted to CTB simply because of Aspergers and poor social experiences, this is merely one major reason on top of many other major reasons, factors contributing to my wanting to CTB.
Here is an real life situation where I've simply written off that people suck in general. After graduating from high school (over a decade ago) and going to college, I have made a conscious decision that I do wish to improve my life and want to try to fit in and be accepted, be treated like the way others treat others (in other words, treated fairly and with respect, not being lectured to, treated like a child, etc.). However, that all came crashing down and quickly became evident that people just don't like me. I either don't belong (ghosted and ignored like I don't exist), ridiculed and shamed behind my back, or just (rare, not as common during college) openly scolded or shamed such as in a confrontation. So in 2008, I have made a hypothesis that what people don't or won't likely say in person, they would do behind a screen or even outside of face to face contact. The hypothesis is that what people do on social media would reveal their true nature (which of course is antithetical to what the other claim is - that social media != IRL, though I disagree with that hypothesis based on my findings). So for instance, I was generally on good terms with said person, we will call him "R" so TAW122 and R are on good terms, but then someday, out of the blue, "R" decided to ghost TAW122 and quietly delete him from social media. R hopes that I don't know (including most of the people who know me and ghosted me and/or turned on me), but I am not stupid. I might be socially dumb, but not that dumb that I don't what happened. Just because I am not good with people doesn't mean that I don't know if something has changed or something isn't right. As someone with Aspergers, I not only think rationally and logically, but I can see patterns and what not. In other words, I see there is a problem, but I just don't know "WHY" it is or what caused it, let alone a solution for it.
Another scenario is here and this one is real suicide fuel. On an online MMO game [game redacted] that I have played for well over a decade, I had thought some of similar minded people to be pretty friendly and accepting. However, I could not be further from the truth. While these people are benign and friendly, they suddenly just ghosted me for no reason and even one of them just abruptly kicked me from their group/server on Discord (I won't say who it is for safety and privacy reasons). In other words, the people who I thought were cool and was going to be friendly with, just quietly and without provocation, kicked me and left me. I have done nothing wrong against them nor said anything. Meanwhile, the other people didn't get treated like that. I never confronted them afterwards because I didn't want to cause trouble and also it's unlikely people will ever be honest to say the real reason/cause for their behavior. At best, one would either plausibly deny having done that (feign ignorance), make up some bullshit reason (whether founded or unfounded), and/or just downright be nasty.
Therapy is useless because it never addresses the actual status quo (e.g. society, or the group that was wrong), but rather finds fault and blame on the patient (yes I know NOT all therapists, therapy is like that, but that's irrelevant because it doesn't help me at all). It would rather make me as the 'problem' rather than accept reality for what it is. Then it also puts the onus on the patient to find the solution while ignoring the actual root cause or addressing it in the first place. The similar thing goes with religion, but the only difference is that it is more cult-like and aggressive in it's approach (speaking mainly to modern Christianity in the US; though other religions are guilty of it as well). I have made other threads on this and explained in detail why I don't consider these solutions so I won't go off tangent on here and repeat everything I said again here.
In conclusion, this is an extension of my Aspergers' reason and ailment for which pushes me closer to want to suicide. I simply am not compatible with this clown world and it's lunacy. I can do fuck all to change how society is and how people treat me (remember, I can't control the actions of others). Sadly, even from the like-minded individuals, it simply just isn't enough, and even then, there are still differences and troubles between me and them (not all people who are on the spectrum even get along to begin with!). There simply is no help for people like me and there is no solution. If these grievances were brought up, the best I could expect is either to be ignored, shamed, guilted, treated worse, and/or even ridiculed. It's not just the condition alone of Aspergers that pushes me to want to suicide, but the things that result from it - not being compatible with the world, life long social difficulties, poor/inappropriate treatment from others (treated not the way I wish to be treated), and more. But of course, as long as the world continues to feign ignorance, be superficial, treat me like shit, it's no surprise when the day comes that I decide to end it all (which will come sooner than I expect). On one final note, I want to say it would be naive to assume that I only ever wanted to CTB simply because of Aspergers and poor social experiences, this is merely one major reason on top of many other major reasons, factors contributing to my wanting to CTB.
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